Wednesday, December 28, 2011

My Little Bro

This morning I woke up and had those few blissful seconds of not remembering . . . and then I remembered. I wasn't ready to get up yet, but I don't know if I really slept much after. I kind of laid there shaking and not wanting to get up and wishing I could go back to the oblivion that sleep can bring (as long as you don't dream about what you'd rather not think about). I eventually got up, worked on money stuff, and went to lunch with my roommate. After that, my roommate left to hang out with her bff, so I was glad when my little brother called me. I asked him if he could stop by for a little bit, and I really appreciate his doing that because while I talked to him about the hurt I was finally able to break down. And he moved over and held me a little and just listened as I tried to verbally sort through my thoughts. I'm so glad for siblings who are so caring and good to me.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Part of Life

Isn't life so funny sometimes? I was having a hard time wanting the boy again, recently, and being worried that Christmas was going to be hard, but it ended up being alright. Like I wrote in my last post, I enjoyed being with my family. I felt more okay again with not being with the boy, and I thought a little bit about what it is that I want in someone.

Then I found out today that one of my most favorite people from here is dating the boy, and crash goes the progress, and I'm thrown off again. I met this girl here some years back; she's really a terrific girl and a wonderful friend. She's one of those people who's good at loving you, so you just love her back. Anyway, she actually kind of already has a history with the boy, and when he and I started dating, I was a little nervous about how she would feel about it. However, she took it alright. When he broke up with me, she let me talk to her about it, and she helped me understand a little better about how I deal with love because of the way she deals with it. She's listened to me several times since the breakup, and it's been nice to have someone so understanding of my continued feelings for him.

She is away for grad school but came home for Christmas, so I asked her if we could get together sometime before she leaves for next semester. She called to see if we could meet up today, and I was so excited for it and happy that she was making it happen because I guess she's leaving tomorrow. Anyhow, after we'd been making small talk for awhile, she talked to me about how he has started dating her. I really appreciate her courage in telling me - she knows that I still love him, and it's not a comfortable thing to do - and I'm really glad that I know, but ouch! We talked for quite awhile, and I felt like I took it as well as could have been expected, but I felt like I needed to break down, and I couldn't do it after she left because by that time we had some company over. I emailed a former roommate, and she actually stopped by, and I think we are going to do something tomorrow.

I had such plans for working on cleaning my room this week, but earlier tonight the thought of being at home by myself all week was really upsetting. So maybe I will try to fill up the time with friends if I can. Maybe I will feel better about it tomorrow.

And the thing is, I'm not mad at my friend. I really love her, and I'm so glad that she cares about our friendship as much as she does. I also really hope she doesn't end up getting hurt. It's just hard for reasons that definitely have more to do with me than they do with the boy or anyone else.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas

I was concerned that this Christmas would be kind of hard because last Christmas was so happy for me. By the last post I wrote you can see that last week was not going so well. However, going to my parents' and having most of my family here has turned out alright. This has been a lovely Christmas day. We looked at our stockings this morning, then went to church, where there was a nice program. After church we came home and opened our gifts, which was fun with my niece. We had a yummy dinner, and this evening we had a girls vs. boys, best out of three, Catch Phrase tournament.

I hope your Christmas day was also nice. I'm so grateful for the birth of the Savior. I'm grateful for His divine mission and His choice to fulfill it. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sent His son to be our Savior so that we can return to Him.

Saturday, December 17, 2011


The pain hasn't been this bad in a long time, fortunately, but, man, is it frustrating. I went to a reception this evening for a roommate. I wanted to leave before the boy showed up. I told my other roommate that I didn't want to stay long. I've been staying out of touch lately, but I've had several dreams, and last night wasn't so great; today wasn't awesome, either. While at the reception, I saw the first guy that I kind of almost dated. Did that hurt? No. He's married and has a couple of kids, and I'm happy for him, and I'm glad that I got to see his family and him and chat with them a little.

My roommate wasn't rushed to leave; besides my being tired and not wanting to see the boy, etc., I enjoyed seeing lots of friends to say hi to. Now that I'm in a family congregation, I don't see my single friends very much. People who are away at school are getting home for the holidays, too. At any rate, we finally made our way to the hall; a couple of friends came in right before we left. I hugged one of them and was saying something when in came the boy, and my stomach leaped up my throat. I talked to him for a moment and told him about how I saw his signature at the bottom of the birthday card we gave to my niece last year on her birthday. He laughed when I told him a fun story about the same niece. Then I cried on the drive home.


Sunday, December 11, 2011


Do you ever feel like you are all alone in your standards? Yesterday, one of my siblings told me about a choice that said sibling made that didn't jive with how I was raised. It was kind of hard for me to hear; I don't expect everyone to feel the way I do about things, but I usually feel like my siblings understand me because we were raised the same. So it kind of took me aback. I cried - that's normal for that sort of thing for me. I thought about it for awhile and finally asked my sibling to explain the thought process behind the decision that was made. Sibling explained and let me explain my feelings about the subject. I am very grateful that I feel like we were able to listen to each other. I know that we all get to make choices in this life, and we all have to decide where we stand on different issues. It's hard to have certain things mean a lot to me, though, and to feel alone in that. Does it mean I'm just a pharisee and that I care too much about rules (I have at least one family member who I think would say yes.)? If so, does that mean that I need to try to do some personal re-wiring? Or am I in a right place, and I should keep those expectations for myself? Will I be able to find someone to share forever with who will meet me in those decisions that are deeply part of me? Whenever this sort of thing comes up, it makes me think of the Boy, because he actually did mostly meet me in those areas - and that was a big deal to me, obviously.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


Once upon a time I went to the same college as my brother. He had a roommate who became one of my friends. Roommate was nice enough to be my date when I wanted to do something with a date and didn't have one. We saw concerts together, we were a married couple in a murder mystery (I just barely remembered that - that was a really fun time!), etc. My apartment and his apartment did dinner together for a semester or so once, too. I haven't seen him since we graduated about five and a half years ago, and I haven't talked to him for a long time either. Since graduation he has gotten married and gone to and completed dental school. Anyhow, I recently found out that he now lives nearby - in the same city, even. He and his wife invited me over for dinner tonight. It was nice meeting his wife, dinner was delicious (even though it involved shrimp - I had to have Friend explain how to eat it), and his wife had me give my input on where she should put the Christmas lights. It was fun to re-connect, and I'm glad to have a couple more friends in town.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My brother brought this quote to my attention on one website, and then I found it on another

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman (I got it from the Neil Gaiman Wikiquote page. I guess it's from a character in The Sandman)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I can't tell you how annoyed I am that I never posted yesterday - I just didn't think to do it before I went to bed. I posted for 27 days straight, just to lose on the 28th. Uggh. Oh well - there's always next year. The thing I did do, though, is set up an invite for a Christmas party. I told my roommates that this is one final effort to host. We will see what happens. I love Christmas time. I'm looking forward to decorating the house, and I'm hoping people will come and sing and eat things that will wreck my diet and build gingerbread houses and so on. One of my roommates is enough in to having a tree that we (mostly she, if I remember right) buys one each year. I don't know if we'll have it by the party, but I'm definitely looking forward to that, too. This evening I took a little walk in my neighborhood, and I was pleasantly surprised to see as many trees and lights as I did.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Christmas Season

Yesterday, one of the first things my roommate asked me was, "Do you know what day it is?" My answer was incorrect - it was her day to put up Christmas lights. I don't think I've been home when she's put them up before, so yesterday it became my privilege to follow her around with the lights and the clips that hold the strands to the eaves. I also got to climb the ladder for the highest part, as she was nervous. I say that because I am such a fearful person that it feels nice to not be afraid of some things sometimes. This is a great time of year. I was happy to turn on the Christmas music and will enjoy listening to it for the next month. My brother and sister-in-law are going to come watch A Christmas Carol with me tonight - the one with George C Scott. I love that version. I'm thinking of hosting a Christmas party soon - even with my rotten record, as of late (Maybe I need to start identifying more with Charlie Brown.). I was thinking we could decorate gingerbread houses and/or carol and/or have a white-elephant gift exchange and/or do some service. Ideas?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Some of My Favorite Things

I am going to write about two things I am thankful for. First, I am thankful for old movies. I recently learned that one of my co-workers doesn't like to watch anything from before around 1975 - isn't that awful?! My roommate and I watched Guys and Dolls tonight. I love it! I was thinking about how I'm kind of strange, I think, for being into old movies and for having watched many. In high school, TCM was one of my favorite stations. And I also thought about how my children will be strange, too, because they will know who Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Cary Grant, etc. were.

The other thing I wanted to write about was my niece, who you've heard a lot about over the last 2 1/2 years. I got to take her to the park for about an hour today. We fed the ducks. We rode the little train that drives around. And she went down a couple of slides. Her dad texted and called for me to bring her back so that they could go eat lunch with her mother, who was working today. When I told my niece, she replied something like, "No, not today," or something that was supposed to mean that she wanted to stay at the park. However, she let me take her back. During the car ride back, she asked me if I was going to come eat lunch with her at the doctor's office (her mom is a nurse). I would have loved to have done that, especially since I didn't get much time with the family this weekend, but I explained that I wasn't invited. "Okay. You have to go home, Jamie." "That's right. I have to go home." It was sure fun spending that brief hour with her - she loves me, and I love her, and I don't have to worry about her hurting me (at least not for a few years yet).

Friday, November 25, 2011

The Muppets

This evening, I am thankful for the Muppets (Really, I am thankful for my family, but I'm going to write about the muppets.). My brother, sister-in-law, and I went to watch the new movie this evening. I feel guilty because I shouldn't be spending money on movies, but I LOVE the muppets. Maybe it stems from my uncle giving me a Kermit the Frog when I was a baby. Whatever the reason, I adore them. So, this evening we went, and I LOVED it! I am kind of surprised that they didn't have more cameos than they did; however, they did have several, including Mickey Rooney (who, I just learned, is 91 years old!). I think I identified a little too much with some of the songs, and I came close to crying, but I think I made it through without actually shedding a tear. One of the fun things about the movie was being in an audience with lots of other "grown-ups" and listening to people enjoy the movie; there was a lot of laughter, which was great. It was awesome, and I hope there are more good Muppet times to come.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving 2011

Today I am thankful for a place to go to spend Thanksgiving. My parents went out of state this year, and I didn't have someone special to spend it with. However, I my brother's in-laws invited me to their dinner, and I was able to go and enjoy that. I was a little nervous about how comfortable I would feel because I only know my sister-in-law's immediate family, and the dinner was at an uncle's house, so there were going to be many people I don't know. They were nice, though, and I felt alright. Grandma talked to me a little, which was fun. And my sister-in-law's father and uncle reminisced on their events from their childhood. It was a really nice dinner with yummy food and good people. Earlier, I saw a man selling newspapers in the median, which made me sad. I'm so thankful to be blessed with my needs and many wants, even, and I hope I can help others' needs to be met.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I know I said I was going to write about things I am thankful for, but I decided that tonight I want to write about a first - I think tonight was my first visit to an American bar. I have a roommate who is in a band; I think they normally (maybe always, I don't know) play at bars. I've never been to see her perform before, and tonight was her last performance with the band, so I wanted to go. Anyhow, I don't know how bars work, but it wasn't too intimidating. I don't drink, so I felt a little bad, but I did buy dinner.

Anyhow, the band was really fun. My roommate plays the flute and sings. There was also a drummer, a couple of guitarists, a couple of saxophones, and a trumpeter/trombone player. They played a variety of song styles, from jazz, to rock, to disco, etc. My roommate has a lovely voice, and she and everyone else were fun to listen to.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


I guess some people use this week to write about things they are thankful for. I'm late on the uptake with that, but maybe I will try that for the rest of the week. A few days ago I emailed someone I know to ask him to forgive me for something. When he wrote back, he spoke of us sometimes needing "little nudge"s to keep us where we should be. He readily forgave me and didn't even seem upset. I am thankful for people who forgive. It's not always easy for me, which is really aggravating because I know that it's important to forgive people (for our own peace of mind, besides other reasons). I'm thankful for the good example of this person who could have been offended with me.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Bangkok and Hard Drives

I went to Office Max today; while there, I looked at external hard drives because I want to get everything off of my laptop before it breaks. There was a sign by the hard drives that said that there are a limited supply right now, due to the flooding in Bangkok. (It also said that each person may only have one, which struck me as kind of funny.) Does that mean that I'm not going to find a super deal on one?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Another Judas Day

Do you ever wake up just feeling "downy clowny?" That's how I felt this morning and kind of throughout the day. And I didn't have a Carol Channing to cheer me up. I think it has to do with my needing to change some things in my life (well, many things, probably). I desperately need to clean and organize. I am just going through one of those unsettled times in my life, too; I just need to be content and work and wait.

The day is ending better than it began, though, so now I just have to keep on working to change for the better.

Friday, November 18, 2011


Do you ever feel really confused about life? Like, maybe you want something, but if you think about some aspect of it you feel like it is not what you want. But on the other hand, parts of you want it so much. How schizophrenic, eh? But I totally do that. It easy for me to run myself in circles, and when I get to questioning things, then I wonder if there's some divine help that I should be paying attention to - or is it just me? If you are not like me in this respect, be grateful. Very, very grateful.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

MIT and Artichokes

Today I found another song by the MIT Logarhythms that I REALLY like and would love to share, but it's not appropriate. The soloist has such a good voice, though. And he's cute, which never hurts. It looks to me like there are several acapella groups covering pop, and I kind of like it.

And now for something totally unrelated to the first paragraph - I think I cooked artichoke hearts for the first time tonight. I mean, I know I cooked them; I just don't think I have ever done so before - unless I ever helped my roommate. I made this chicken dish that involved diced tomatoes and artichoke hearts. One of my roommates really likes fresh artichokes. Occasionally she cooks them and then dips them in butter - that's her preferred way to eat them. I just bought canned. Artichokes aren't my favorite flavor, but I think it was a kind of yummy dish.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A Couple of Songs

Last night was one of my Youtube-ing movie dance scenes nights. Before that, I watched some music videos and listened to some music. I had forgotten about this one. Besides that sad love song that fits into the genre of songs I've been posting lately, I tried to see if the University of Oregon's acapella group, On the Rocks, has a Facebook page. I don't think they do, but one thing led to another, and pretty soon I had Spotify on my laptop, and I ended up listening to this song by another acapella group (MIT Logarhythms), which I really like. I can't find a good recording on Youtube, so I found the original? artist for it, so you can listen to it if you want. Or you could listen to the version I heard on Spotify.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


So I just watched this Teen Girl Squad cartoon that I haven't seen for a long time. There was something at my house tonight that reminded me of it. I never got too into Teen Girl Squad, but I did like that one. Back in college (kind of weird that I can say that) my roommates and I used to have these Strongbad email viewings, which were always fun - probably a good brain break from time to time. What do you watch if you need a good laugh?

Monday, November 14, 2011


Isn't it so funny and ridiculous how scared we can be of arachnids? Tonight my roommate was going to take a bunch of fruit out to the compost, when something caught her eye upon opening our sliding glass door. Down in the crack below where the door normally rests, was a spider. He wasn't HUGE, but he wasn't a small guy, either. We just kind of stared at him. Fortunately, I remembered seeing some raid at our house. I went and found it. My roommate got a shoe and paper towel. The furniture nearby was moved out of the way in case he decided to come inside instead of obliging us and going outside.

I began to spray, and he began to move. HE CAME INSIDE! But, pobrecito!, he didn't come in very far because the poison got him, either by virtue of the poison or by drowning in it. Then we had to figure out how to remove the body, which really grosses me out. My roommate decided that if she had the dust pan that she would be okay with scooping him into it and then flicking him out into the backyard, which is what she did. I feel kind of bad, but I once a spider like that is discovered, it's too creepy to not do something about it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


Today's talks at church were on pride. One of the speakers referred to the Beware of Pride talk given by Pres. Benson many years back. It is a really good talk, and I was reminded that it's probably about time (I'm probably past due, in fact.) that I re-read it. Pride is a sin that gets me again and again. This afternoon, right after church, I attended choir practice, and I had a hard time hearing and singing my part. I thought about it later tonight and about how it's probably good that I'm not better at singing because I am often prideful about it even without being great. I hope that I can get those parts down AND remember to not be prideful about it.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Ice Cream

One of my favorite moments this weekend occurred last night. I was visiting my sister and her family. My other sister and her husband were there, too. We were eating supper, and when my niece finished her dinner, she began to tell us that she wanted ice cream. She kept repeating her desire, and we had to keep telling her that her dad and uncle would go get some (ice cream seemed like a good idea to everyone else) after we were all finished. I think we had all finally left the table, except for my brother-in-law. I guess he finished his food because all of a sudden my niece exclaimed something like, "Oh, yes!!! Now we go get ice cream!" My sisters will have to correct me on what she said, exactly, but it was just a hoot because she was so enthusiastic. She accompanied the guys to buy it, and when they got back, I think she headed straight for a drawer in the kitchen and pulled out a bowl and spoon for herself and then took them to the table, ready for her treat.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Veteran's Day

Earlier this week, a man from my former church congregation spoke about his experiences in Vietnam. I went to listen; it was really interesting. I cried at one of his stories. I'm glad I got to hear some of him, though, because it is good to be reminded that there are people who sacrifice for us and for our ideals. I may have mentioned it last year, but one of my grandfathers was a pilot during WWII; my other grandfather served during the Korean War, although he was never deployed there. I also believe that I have ancestors who fought in the Revolutionary War. I'm grateful for my relatives and friends and all the other people who have served or do serve.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

No Joke

When I got to school this morning, one of the boys who dumped the chocolate cakes asked, "Did you see the dead javelina on the side of the road?" I did. He was by some pecan fields. It was a ways from the school but not more than a mile or two. What are the odds? I hope it wasn't the cake.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Feeding the Javelina

Have I ever blogged about feeding the javelina? My school husband dumps old food out behind our school "for the javelina," and I do it now, too. Even several students know what it means if one of us tells them to "go feed the javelina." There's a barrel cactus back there that I usually dump old food or fruit peels by. Have I ever seen a javelina at school? Yes. I can't recall if I saw one or a few, but there was a morning where I saw at least one. There's scat back there, I think, although I don't know who's it is. There are a number of different animals that probably enjoy our scraps.

I brought three birthday cakes to school yesterday, but I didn't frost them, so I put them in the bottom of this cabinet in the office; I planned on bringing frosting today. But then, yesterday afternoon, the pest control guy came. I don't think they normally spray inside, but yesterday he did, and though I'm certain the cakes were okay, I got scared, so today a couple of students went and dumped the cakes. We decided if we see dead javelina back there tomorrow, we will know the cakes were poisoned - that or javelina can't take chocolate cakes.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Ground Chicken

Have you ever had ground chicken? I don't know if I have, but I did tonight. My roommate made this yummy chicken chili recipe for dinner - it was great! Speaking of roommates cooking dinner, I don't know if I have talked about it before on here, but I'm so glad when I have roommates who will take turns cooking. I don't like cooking for myself, and I don't think I would like to cook everyday, either, so it's great when there are others who will take turns with me. At some point I guess I'll have to learn to like cooking everyday, but I think at that point it will be worth it, whether I like if or not.

Monday, November 7, 2011


Uggh. Something positive . . . hmmm . . . ok. You may very well already know how I feel about t.v. I'm not really in to it. However, I have started watching Once Upon a Time on Hulu. I saw the ads for the show all over Facebook; I even think I saw some billboards for it. I really like fairy tales, so that's what drew me to it. I watched the first episode by myself. Then I watched the first and second with my roommate, who is apparently sucked in, too, because tonight she wanted to watch the third one, which we did. It's written by the same people who wrote Lost, I believe. Fortunately, I never got sucked into that. I'm hoping this show isn't as long or as full of unanswered questions as I feel like I've heard Lost was.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Relying on the Savior

Last night I read a paragraph from this conference talk that quoted from the following verse:

4 And after they had been received unto baptism, and were wrought upon and acleansed by the power of the Holy Ghost, they were numbered among the people of the bchurch of Christ; and their cnames were taken, that they might be remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way, to keep them continually dwatchful unto prayer, erelying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith.
(Moroni 6:4)

The portion that the talk quoted is from the last part of the verse where it speaks of "relying alone upon the merits of Christ." "Relying alone" stuck out to me - I know it is only through Christ that I can be saved. However, I get discouraged and frustrated with myself for constantly falling short. God gives us commandments, and we are supposed to keep them. I have made covenants with God that I will keep His commandments. And yet, I sin all the time. It's easy to feel really upset with myself and like I just can never make the grade. And that last part is true - I'm not going to make the grade. But if I can just remember and learn how to better rely alone on the merits of Christ, who never sinned but paid the penalties of all of my sins, then that gives me hope. I will fail me, but Christ won't.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

What I Saw in a Teenager Today

My school's main campus had a yard sale today. I don't think I would have gone to help, but the teacher who heads it each year told me that she intended to share the proceeds with all of the school sites, so I felt like I better go and help. I'm glad I did. It was a beautiful day out, and i got to visit with some of my colleagues that I rarely see, due to working at a different location. I got to hold a baby for a little while (One of the teachers had a little girl a few months or so ago). And one of the students was a really good example to me. This homeless-looking man came with his dog, and this student was cordial and treated him just like any of the other customers. He didn't seem uncomfortable, he didn't avoid him like many of us probably would (and like many of us who where there did, I guess). I'm glad for his example today that reminds me that I need to be less judgmental and more kind.

Friday, November 4, 2011

If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?

That is a writing prompt from Nablopomo, and I like it. You see, I have a roommate who has noticeably lost weight in the time I've known her, so I decided to ask her how she did it. She told me, and I decided to try. I bought the book she told me about, and now I'm trying to eat according to the book's plan. I feel pretty cranky, so I hope that means something beneficial is happening. If I knew that my next meal was going to be my last, I would eat a juicy, rare steak, and I would put salt on it. I would have loaded mashed potatoes and a bunch of buttery, garlicky steamed veggies. There would be delicious, hot rolls to eat. I would drink just-made strawberry lemonade. For dessert I would have a big slice of New York style cheesecake, and I would drink a glass of milk with it. And I sure hope that my next meal isn't my last because I certainly won't be eating that for breakfast.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Happy Nablopomo

We're back in Nablopomo right now, meaning I will be trying to post each day this month. I also want to attempt Nanowrimo, which I have tried in the past, if you recall, but I have never been successful. If you don't know what it is, Nanowrimo is where you write a novel in a month. There are rules about how long it has to be - I don't recall the number of words, but I feel like it takes a good amount of dedication and time to be able to crank it out. I could work on one of a couple of unfinished stories, but I think I'm going to try something new. The thing is, I only came up with a topic today, and I don't really know how to start or what to write - I just have a very basic concept. Mostly, I know what I want it to deal with and how I want it to feel. I'm not very good at seeing projects to the end. I have been through (or almost gone through) a few really important life events that I have or believe I would have seen through. But less-important-to-life projects - I'm not so good at that. I hope you're better at finishing things than I am.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I Have that Dan in Real Life Quote Going Through My Head

This evening I met up with the ex-boy because I wanted to talk to him about some things. Trust me that it was kind of legit - regardless of any masochistic tendencies on my part, there were some okay reasons for this, I believe. However, when I met back up with my roommate and she put her arm around me and asked me how I was doing, I had to respond, "I still have a lot of feelings for him."

"I believe it," she replied.

It's kind of frustrating because I think it would be nice to be able to be friends with him again and to not have to weigh the consequences - "Am I willing to go through how I'll feel the next couple of days after seeing him? How soon will I be able to convince myself that the hope is a lie?"

Tonight went pretty well, though. It was pleasant. I gained a little insight for myself that I wasn't expecting that made me understand a little more about why we ended, and I think I will appreciate knowing those things.

However, how hard to sit there feeling love for someone and knowing that they don't have that kind of love to return to you.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

God Answers Prayers

He answered my pleading regarding that work issue. I am so grateful. I was waiting to hear back from my boss today; he never replied to the email. However, this afternoon I had a meeting at our main campus, and before the meeting he told me the good news. Once again, I'm grateful. Sometimes I feel like He is so very merciful to us.

Monday, October 31, 2011

No Me Gusta

I totally need to go to sleep, but I wanted to write about something first. I emailed my boss earlier tonight to express how uncomfortable I feel about something I'm being asked to do at work. Do you ever feel like you're in an ethical/moral spot that you don't want to be in? It's probably not as big of a deal as I'm making it (I'm good at making things way more than they need to be), but I hate feeling guilty about things, and I'm pretty good at agonizing over things that I don't think are right. Meanwhile, I'm probably really annoying my boss - and perhaps another colleague or two. What he will reply and what I will do in the end remain to be seen, but it should be resolved one way or the other pretty soon - which would be great because I've been waking up in a panic over the situation some mornings recently.

Sunday, October 30, 2011


I ate tilapia today, and I actually liked it okay - isn't that amazing?! It still creeped me out a little to eat it, but I didn't mind the flavor. And the only thing I put on it before baking it was some dill weed. Maybe I'll be able to handle eating it sometimes. Wow.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Maybe I will get a picture or two from the weekend up here soon, but I'm tired tonight and not up to going to the effort of getting my camera and uploading stuff. Yesterday Lu and her husband hosted a little reunion for several people they knew when they used to live here. We met up at a park in a different city that was more central for those coming. It was kind of warm out, but it was so good to visit with people who I haven't seen for awhile. There was great food, and an abundance of it. There were also a lot of cute babies to watch, since most of the folks there are in that part of their lives.

Also, it was my brother's birthday this weekend. He and his family drove down from another state for the weekend, and so all of my family met up at my sister's house (where Brother and his family were staying). So there was also a little, impromptu family reunion. It was nice seeing everybody and watching the nieces and nephews. About the only downside to the weekend was trying to sleep at a house with a bunch of babies - it's a little harder to catch your z's when there are little ones around.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

New Beginnings

I think I've already been talking about it, but today was my first day attending my new family congregation. I've been not looking forward to it with nervous anticipation, and I have to admit that it was kind of hard. The building that I meet in now is an older one; up high in the center of the wall at the front of the chapel is a stained glass window of the Savior in Gethsemane. I'm glad that I finally looked up there during the meeting because it reminded me that Christ did something that He would have rather not had to do - but He did it out of love - so I think I can certainly be obedient in this very small matter.

During the last hour, when the women meet with each other, I was able to introduce myself, and everyone seemed nice. The Relief Society president directed me to the paper I needed to fill out to have my membership records sent to my new congregation (I already asked the gentleman in my former congregation to send them a couple of weeks ago, but I don't think it's been done yet), and I was reminded that I can count on the women to help me out. This is something that I feel like I have been made more and more aware of in recent months. I love men and all they can do, but for some reason, I feel like women help get things done. Don't bristle on me, all you men out there, but this lesson keeps getting hit home to me - I still love you, and I have to admit that the last man in my life helped organize me better, so I know I'm generalizing, but there.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Tender Mercies

I was going to write about some hard things going on right now, but I just got a phone call that made me change my mind. Our Heavenly Father loves and cares about us so much, and I am very grateful for that. And I think it is a huge blessing that He often let's us help Him.

Friday, October 7, 2011

6 Months

That's what today marks. I don't get more than misty anymore. And the mist isn't very often, either. However, I still notice his name - in a book or other random places - and I don't recall coming across that name before. Then there are the actual references to him; I'm still jealous of who he might be with or what he's doing. I've only contacted him a couple of times since a communication from him several months ago requesting no more communication - and he's contacted me several times since then (explain that one to me, will you?). I still have to prep myself when I think I might see him somewhere and deal with my nerves while I wait for him to walk in the door or appear in view. And then there's the occasional accidental meeting when he suddenly walks into a place I don't think he's been to in a long time, or we both happen to be in Google docs at the same time, entering info for a friend's wedding. And even though I dreamt about someone else last night (someone I think I want to work on getting to ask me out), and it was a nice, cozy dream, he still shows up sometimes. I'm still listening to several of the songs I've posted.

One of my roommates got engaged last weekend; it's such a different feeling to watch from the outside and to wonder how it happens. It's weird thinking of my former special friend and remembering what we had while observing what we didn't. And I still feel mad at him when I think that what I gave might have meant more to me than it did to him. It's humiliating, and I get mad at myself for being foolish. Live and learn, though, right? And try to be smarter - and more cautious - next time.

Sunday, October 2, 2011


If anyone doubted the title of my blog, I think it should be an acceptable title now. Don't think that "spinster" means dowdy or anything like that, though - I intend to continue to enjoy my 30s. I got to attend a reunion for the performing choir I was in the last couple of years of high school (I played the keyboard for the Choralair band.). It was fun to see some friends/acquaintances that I haven't seen for awhile - some of them it's been quite awhile. Maybe I'll put a picture or two on here. Because I went to that, I also spent the weekend with my parents and my youngest sister and her husband. My youngest brother and his wife went home with me, which was nice, too, because it is my birthday today. My baby sister made my birthday cake, and it was delicious. My brother and sister-in-law gave me a book that I'm excited to read. My mom and dad gave me several piano books, which is exciting. It is great to have new music to play! I have to admit that I was sad that nobody told me happy birthday on Facebook - normally, it seems like one is inundated with birthday wishes on one's birthday. However, I realized tonight that my birthday wasn't public info - I think it used to be, so I'm not sure when I changed that. So, I guess it's my fault, and I need not feel neglected. :)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Girls and Boys

This evening we had a Relief Society meeting at my house. Relief Society is the women's organization in my church. Anyhow, tonight was just a casual relax and get-to-know-each-other kind of night with food and games (including Rock Band). It was nice; like I said in last night's post, there are lots of nice girls.

It's weird because I prefer hanging out with the guys. Because of dating the boy before, I currently don't have many friends who are guys, so most of my socializing (which is not much) is with girls. It feels kind of weird, and I don't quite know what to make of it. It's nice to hang with girls and share in the things we girls can share in with each other, but it's kind of not fun to not have interactions with the boys. I definitely miss that sort of friendship/companionship.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Yesterday was my last Sunday in my singles congregation. Once you turn 31, you are supposed to move back into the normal family ward. Have I already talked about this? Anyhow, it's kind of an interesting feeling. One of the counselors to my bishop heard that I'm out, and he was sweet and came and gave me a hug. Tonight, at our get together, he told me I don't have to stay away. It's sweet, and I think I may visit some of the activities to visit the girls. Many of them are just kind, sweet girls.

But on to my next adventure, I guess.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Three Strikes

I had three strikes this weekend:
  1. Potential Date
  2. Friend Date
  3. Girl Friend Date
Notice, I tried from the greatest rejection potential to the least, and all three failed. There were good reasons for them all; previous plans, no longer lives in the area, headache. Sometimes life just doesn't quite work the way you want it to.

Before my failed Saturday night, however, I had a great Friday night involving a few friends, hamburgers, and Rock Band.

I also got to go to the temple and visit my sister and her family on Saturday, so it was still a good day.

Back to the strikes, though. I have a question for you. This is the second time the date didn't work out with this particular guy. Do I give it one more shot, or do I call it good? There's this great website I recently found - I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here yet. It is called The Art of Manliness, and I read about the Brad Pitt rule on it. In a nutshell, it points out that if you ask someone out, and they turn you down, it means they don't want to go out with you. I agree. If I legitimately can't go out with someone, but I want to, I think I ask for a rain check - I try to let them know that I really do want to go out. The guy has not suggested anything concrete; he just says, let me know when you're in town and we'll try again, or something like that.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


Today I did a couple of things that helped me think about the anniversary of the attacks. First, I watched the broadcast of Music and the Spoken Word. If you didn't see it and can access one of the re-broadcasts, I recommend it. The program was very nice. Some of the images got me teared up a little.

This afternoon my roommates and I went to a program at the university that involved a choir and our city's orchestra. The first half was Mozart's Requiem, which was beautiful, and the second half was a commissioned oratorio that was debuted today. It was also very nice. There were a few speakers, and I really enjoyed the words of one of them in particular.

I also recently watched a clip on Yahoo? about one of the passengers from Flight 93 (I think). From watching that, as well as some of the footage that was played on the broadcast this morning, I am reminded that there were many people who rose to the occasion that day, and I'm glad to be able to take something positive from that awful event. There were the people on Flight 93 who decided to act when they knew something was wrong (I was amazed to listen to calls from a mother to her son who was on the flight, encouraging him to do something to stop the hijackers), and there were so many people who helped at the towers. I was touched by footage of people covered in ash hugging others who made it out. It's easy to be cynical about mankind because there is so much selfishness, corruption, callousness, etc. I believe the 9/11 tragedy brought out the humanity in many people, though, and I think it's good to be reminded of that. It's good to remember what happened and to be reminded of what is really important - God, each other, our nation. I'm grateful for that reminder today.

The Hike

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my friends. Lu came to town for it. Friend wanted to go hiking; she knows that I am not a hiker, so I was assured that it would be a nice, Jamie-friendly sort of hike. I told the girls that as long as I was cool and hydrated I would be okay. I figured the hike would take a couple of hours; I purposely did not ask how far we were going, which I think was wise. My roommate and I met up with the girls a little after 10:00. We drove two vehicles so that we could leave one at each end of the trail - I'm glad that Friend had us do that.

Anyhow, we probably got hiking somewhere around 11:00 - we finished around 5:30. That's a lot longer than two hours. Fortunately, though, a) we were pretty high up on the mountain, so it wasn't hot, and b) I didn't run out of water. So, I was actually a pretty happy camper - or hiker, I should say. We picked raspberries towards the beginning of the hike. We saw lots of horny toads, as well as some butterflies. During the last couple of miles we got rained and hailed on twice, which made things kind of exciting. I was glad that Lu had a couple of ponchos with her and let me borrow one (I think I was already kind of wet by the time I got it on, though, so I wasn't dry for the rest of the hike). I'm also glad the girls were nice about taking breaks because the last part was up some switchbacks, which I'm not a fan of, and my lungs didn't like the altitude so much, either. There is debate about how far we hiked. Friend thought we were going around eight miles, but when we finally made it to the end, the sign said it was less than six. I really couldn't say, but it was kind of amazing to look back sometimes and realize how far we'd come.

So, maybe I'm not as not into hiking as I think I am - I think the key really was staying cool and having water.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

5 Months

Another one by Sara Bareilles. And I feel better than that tonight, but I definitely relate to a lot of it.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Movies and Motorcycles

With tomorrow being a holiday, my roommate thought we could stay up late watching a movie, which we did. I hope I wasn't breaking the Sabbath. I noticed the sound of a loud vehicle outside at some point early on in the movie. I think such vehicles shouldn't be permitted in our neighborhood, at least not for a few months yet, especially during a wholesome, romantic movie.

Sunday, August 28, 2011


Yesterday I got to participate in a service project up on the mountain. I knew that it was possible that the ex-boy would be there - he's not part of the age group that was specifically invited to attend, but he really loves working up at the camp. Well, he was there; it was my first time seeing him since before I left for the summer. I'll not go into detail.

Also, I threw a Labyrinth party on Friday night. More than four people attended, so my roommate and I think is was a success. I looked up the top billboard songs from the 80s and played those leading up to and through the beginning of the party. We didn't even make it halfway through the decade - I love 80s music. And I love Labyrinth, so it was a pretty nice night.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

One of the Bookend Boys

I was thinking about how I haven't written a dear friend of mine for awhile. I've talked about him many, many times on here - he's one of the people I admire most in my life. Anyhow, he's a busy boy and it usually takes several communications from me to him before I hear back, so imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when I checked my email a few minutes ago and saw that he had written. That should have tipped me off, but for some reason it didn't - he's engaged! Isn't that great?! It looks like he has found the girl who he wants to spend forever with, which is wonderful. I still don't quite understand how that happens, but I think I will sooner or later. I got to spend some time with the girl this summer, and she seems like a peach, so congrats to my friend. And to the his fiance - she's one lucky girl. :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Monday, I received a call from my visiting teacher, asking me if I had plans for Friday night. "No." "Do you want to go to the Josh Groban concert?" Yes! So we did. It was a great concert, although Josh was a bit crass. I was pretty disappointed in Michael Buble for the same reason when I went to a concert of his once. Because of that experience, I think I did not get as upset this time, but I still don't understand.

Also, I was supposed to go out on a blind date this weekend. I feel like there's a line in something Jane Austen that states that when a person gets married, the only thing left for that person is to try to get other people married, and when you're old and single, like me, you know lots of people who just want to help you out. Anyhow, I was actually looking forward to it, which I took as a good sign - up until this point, I haven't wanted to move on and date anyone else, so I think that shows progress. The blind date finally called on Friday and set things up for Saturday afternoon, but then he cancelled on Saturday, due to some legitimate reasons, I believe, but it was still a little disappointing. Oh well.

Not having a date on Saturday afternoon left me with more time to spend with my sister and her family - particularly my niece, who I baby-sat for a little while that evening. Which reminds me - earlier in the day I asked her what animal she would be if she wasn't a person. When I finally got her to answer with an animal, it was an elephant. I wasn't sure why she picked that, but then she started singing, "In the miritary style," and it made more sense. So we spent the rest of the day with me singing, "In the military style," and her replying, "In the miritary style!" She told me that I would be a bird, by the way, so I asked, "If you were and elephant and if I were a bird, could we still be friends?" "Yes." I'm so glad. We also sang Elmo's song several time, which, I'm sorry to admit, I started. It's such an annoyingly hard tune to get out of your head, and I've still had it in my mind today - uggh! We also danced, which was so much fun! What I love about babies is that you can be so stupid around them, and they don't care - in fact, they kind of like it. So I can dance as goofily with her as I want to, which I did. Maybe I'll post some pictures of the weekend here at some point.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Babies and Me

Could you ever say no to a face like that?
The newest of the clan.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Another Breakup Song

Here's yet another good breakup song.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Kids are Great

What an interesting week this has been. Not that anything terribly exciting on the outside has happened, but it's been a different sort of week for me and my psyche, I guess. I had my first week at school with my kids, and I think that was a huge contributor. I'm so glad to be back with the students and to have that focus in my life. I have almost the same class as I did last year, which is nice. Oh - and my coworker told me that the other class calls me The Terminator, which I'm taking as a pretty big compliment. I'm not exactly sure what they mean by it, but I guess they must think I'm tough. Besides the blessing of being back at school, I got a hug and kiss from my niece last night before she and her family returned to their city. I didn't get to hang out with her, but they stopped by to return a pillow to me (I forgot it at their place last time I was there), so I at least got a hug. I carried her out to the car and then went to the other side of the car to say hi to my nephew, who was all smiley and coo-ie, so it was a pretty nice minute or two.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


Sometimes I write and publish posts that I'm not sure that I should really write and publish. Here is one of them: Today makes four months. What better way to mark it than to introduce myself to the famous ex-girlfriend that haunted me for much of the relationship? I was aware of her even before dating the boy. I know many people who know her, and she has quite the reputation as being this amazing, talented girl. I figured she was the female equivalent to this friend of mine (incidentally, he's one of the people I know that knows her). Well, I heard many references to her while dating the boy. He always seemed to want us to meet; he thought we would like each other and be friends. When we would be visiting the city she lives in, he would often suggest we go see her. I didn't say no, but I was not at all displeased when it wouldn't work out. Towards the end, I started to think that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to meet. Then he broke up with me, and I didn't think it would be appropriate to Facebook her, although I kind of wanted to. When I got back from my summer trip recently, I went to visit my sister and her family for several days. We went to lunch this one day. Awhile into lunch, my sister asked, "So have you ever met SuperGirl? She's here." You see, my brother-in-law knew her through some church education stuff, and now they are all part of the same congregation. It looked like SuperGirl was at lunch with co-workers, so I didn't think that would be the appropriate time to go up and say, "So you probably don't know me, but I thought I'd say hi because I've heard so much about you. We both dated the boy." However, as you see, my world can be kind of small, so I figured it was only a matter of time until we did meet. I just wasn't thinking about it possibly being today when I went to my sister's congregation, so I wasn't very prepared for it. I figured I might as well go through with it, though. It would have bothered me more not to do it. And it's interesting how this person, who has heard about me but wasn't super aware of me, is someone who I have been VERY aware of for a long time. But now the intro is out of the way, and if we are in the same place at the same time again, I can be more at ease. This summer, another mutual friend of ours told me that given any other circumstance I probably would love to know her. If we continue to bump into each other, maybe we will become friends and we will laugh about our connection and my insecurities about dating a boy who dated a SuperGirl before me.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Do you ever feel like just breaking down because life feels so out of kilter? I am getting progressively worse again about missing the boy, which you probably know from yesterday's song. My heart keeps refusing to accept what my mind knows. I wrote my mission president a couple of days ago, and he and his wife wrote back and told me that the way my relationship was makes what I'm going through now kind of like a divorce, which at least sort of validates to me why this is so hard. In fact, isn't divorce one of those "top hardest life experiences" things?

Another thing that I believe makes that list is moving, and that's a possibility I'm facing right now. I love my house. I love where it is. I love the things it has. I love the things in it. However, my landlord is raising rent and there aren't enough of us here to keep rent down to what I think I can reasonable pay while trying to save money for a car to replace my current car that is getting old and sad. Therefore, it might be wise to move. However, I feel so stressed out about moving that I don't know if I can handle doing it right now.

These two things are enough to make me want to break down and cry or curl up in a ball and try to pretend like the world doesn't exist. At least the moving decision needs to be made within the next couple of weeks. Either I will be here, or I will be somewhere else at that point, and then that stress should be gone. As for the other stresser, I'm starting work again and hoping that having that back in my life will keep me from thinking about the boy so much.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Sad Song

If we had any songs, I would say one of them was Parachute, by Sara Bareilles. Here's another of Sara's song that I happened upon tonight.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Another Song

I mean to blog about my summer sometime; I just haven't done it yet. I think I heard this song recently, which I'm relating to. I can't quite say the last part yet, but I think I'm a little closer. I guess time is working on me little by little. Really I think Someone else is working on me; at least I'm hoping that I am letting Him.

I went by the Institute of Religion today to see if I could find some prospective roommates, and my favorite teacher was there. He's one of those people who makes you feel like you're unique and special. I've really enjoyed the classes I've taken from him, but I can only take night classes, and he's not teaching at night these days, so I don't get to see him very often. I had kind of hoped he would be there, but even when I found out he was I still considered not knocking on his open office door. I'm glad I did. He invited me in and we chatted a little - about my summer and some of the people I saw, about teaching, and some other things. He gives me more credit than is accurate, but it's nice to have a few people in your life who think more of you than you are - it reminds you to try to be better.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

9 Weeks

Well, guys, I've passed two months now. Tonight makes 9 weeks. I feel like I received some insights at church on Sunday, and I'm clinging to those. Tomorrow might set me back a little, but then I'm getting out of town for awhile, and I think that will be good. It has occurred to me that I can run, but I might not be able to hide, depending on fate, but we'll see what she has in store for me this summer.

In other news, I got to help a friend by participating in an experiment for his doctoral research today. Tomorrow I'm planning on going to watch him defend his thesis. Doesn't that sound like your idea of fun?

Monday, May 30, 2011

Baby Steps

I need to go to bed; it's way after my bedtime. The boy would be impressed with the hours I'm trying to keep now. However, I just wanted to report what I think is a little step in the right direction. I was away for the weekend for my brother's reception. When I got back today, I found out that my roommate wasn't going to be home until tonight. I've hit the point now where I'm not so happy to be alone so much. I did not feel like it today, that's for sure. I considered texting the boy to see if he had plans tonight, even. In the end, though, I texted a friend to find out if there was anything going on tonight. He replied in the negative, so I invited him over to watch a movie. I told him he could invite a few people if he wanted to. Anyhow, he's the only one that came - I don't know if he invited anybody or not - and we watched a movie. I admit that I thought about the boy and how it would be watching the movie with him, but watching one with a different boy is a step, right?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I Had A Good Evening

Isn't that great? A friend of mine, who I haven't talked to much in quite awhile (he was dating and then got married), and his wife, and a former roommate and her husband came over. Friend made a couple of different ice creams for us all to enjoy - and they were delightful. And when everyone left I realized that I spent a couple of hours enjoying the evening - I'm so glad. It was a nice blessing. And to top it off - I talked to an ex of my ex a couple of nights ago. We talked for quite awhile. She's a nice girl who I've been acquainted with for a couple of years, but I've never gotten to know her very well. She set me up with one of her brothers several months back. Anyhow, I left my scriptures in her car the other night. She brought them back this evening. In the pocket of my scripture case I found a card from her. It was so kind. What a lovely way to end the day.

Today's song comes from Paul Simon.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Have I told you about running? I've been jogging most days since around a week after the breakup. If you know me, this is a big thing for me because I hate running. I started at 5 or 6 minutes the first day or two. Then I began to add a minute each day. The idea is to do that Monday through Saturday. Take a break Sunday. Monday back up a minute and increase the rest of the week. I've missed a few days but have been mostly successful. One of my students suggested that once I hit 20 I stay at that for awhile - "Let your lungs catch up." I hit 20 sometime last week, so I stayed there the rest. Yesterday day I went 20, and this evening I went 21. I realized that I have probably never run for that long in my life (I've been hitting records for myself for awhile now, I'm pretty sure.). Anyway, it's not something that feels great to me, and some days it really doesn't feel good. Fortunately, though, most days don't feel bad, and it's a way to release a bit of all that's part of me right now. I have mostly jogged in silence. Recently, though I have listened to parts of a couple of religious talks, which has been nice. Tonight, I listened to music - part of The City of Angels soundtrack. I used to listen to it when I felt depressed during my sophomore year of college. Here is one of the songs. I feel like it is more about actual death than the death of a relationship, but there is grief in dealing with both.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


I talked to a girlfriend today who I haven't talked to for awhile. She was good and let me cry and talk. She has a level of understanding about this. Anyway, she told me to listen to this. I'm not as strong as the song - this week has been a lot of hurting. I don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I will sometime - hopefully sooner rather than later.

This weekend my brother and sister-in-law let me come over for dinner and a movie. I went there gladly, leaving my roommate and a bunch of girls at my place. They were making cheese. They get together every so often to learn cool things from each other. I've not been one to just hang with the girls (outside of roommates) for a long time. I've preferred hanging with the guys. However, being in a committed relationship, I didn't keep up friendships with the guys, of course. These girls are kind and welcoming, and I wonder if I should have stayed home the other evening. Maybe I should try to learn to love girl time.

I feel like it's been good to be learning how to be alone. I've always needed the company of others. Now I find a lot of comfort in being with myself. However, I feel like I've probably done that long enough, and it's probably time to come back to people. It's just hard to want to do that. Just fulfilling obligations that put me in public feels like enough people time to me. But it probably doesn't help me to move on to just be with me. I am grateful to not mind silence so much now, though.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hurt that



Refusing to succumb to



Coats the


Every beat.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Thoughts On Earlier

Allow me to add a thought to what I wrote earlier. I just talked to my roommate about people asking us single people why we're not married, and I think this is why it's kind of a weird question or why I'm not sure how to respond - Because of my faith, I believe that marriage is important - necessary, even. Therefore, when people of my faith ask me about why I am single, maybe I feel like they should already know the answer. If they believe that I believe in my religion, they should know that I'm not single by choice and that it just obviously hasn't happened for me yet. Maybe that's exactly why they ask, though - because they don't understand why things don't seem to be going according to the ideal plan. We forget that we're not all on the same time-table and that God allows us to be mortal and to feel our way semi-blindly and stumble so that we can learn and become more than we would be if our lives were totally taken care of for us and if everything was ideal.

Loyalty of Ladies

Before I get into what I thought I would post about tonight, I want to answer a question from yesterday's post. Someone asked how I find the songs I do that fit my thoughts and feelings. I think most of them are ones that I already know that just pop in at appropriate moments as I search for ways to express myself or to understand what I'm feeling - sometimes unconsciously. When I posted about Rob Thomas, I had been noticing the lyrics to Mockingbird for awhile towards the end of my relationship. When I looked him up, I selected a bunch of other songs and found that some of them, like Snowblind, were also comforting. I just really like music, and I listen to it too much. Fill your head with a bunch of stuff, and sometimes it will come back to you when you really need it. There's my confession for the day. :)

I went to a meeting tonight where some of us are new to each other. Therefore, the man in charge asked us to introduce ourselves. I didn't really know what to say about myself - some of the things that I mentioned are that I'm the oldest of five children, that all of my siblings are married, and that some of them have children. So then, the man in charge said something like, "Well, what about you? We need to get you married, too, right?" I just responded something in the affirmative. I did not break into tears and say, "Well, President, I kind of thought I was working on that for over half a year with someone who I think is one of your friends . . ." What was nice was that the other two women who were there with me jumped in and smoothed things over a bit. I know they love me, and I'm grateful for their loyalty.

Tonight's questions reminded me that I will be at a wedding reception for my brother soon. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I think I am so old now that people intentionally do NOT bring up marriage. Hehe! One never knows, though, if someone will be brave/clueless/tactless/curious enough to ask me why I'm not married or when I'm going to get married, etc. I figure that maybe I should be prepared and have fun answering if anyone asks. Do you have any suggestions? Should I break down and make it really awkward for them? Should I pretend like I'm a man-hating feminist? I think it was my roommate who suggested that I tell them that I am married, and I just didn't tell them about it.

Now, when I say "clueless" and "tactless," don't think that I say it with malice. I don't really care if people ask me. I can appreciate their questions. And really, I might just answer truthfully and say, "I don't know. It just hasn't happened yet." Meanwhile, there are a lot of great things going on in my life.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Today's Songs

Daniel Bedingfield, Gwen Stefani, and Tim McGraw - Well, the Tim McGraw one was in my head yesterday? or the day before? but I just looked it up.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


Last night I dreamed that the boy and I were dating again. I think I was scared because I wondered if he would break up with me again, too. I don't know if the dream is the reason, or if seeing him earlier this week is, or if running into one of his ex-girlfriends, or if buying baby things and holding my new little nephew are the reasons, but that ache in my chest has persisted throughout the day today. The topic in sacrament meeting was friendship. I think I miss our friendship and am sad that we didn't do a better job at developing ours. And, my! I just miss him.

I assure you that I'm doing much better than I was. I have felt like I was Bella when she wakes up after months of being out of it after Edward leaves. I've felt awake again, so I guess a day, here and there, is nothing to complain about.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

This Morning

I found a CD propped against my front door. It had pictures on it. Here are a few:

I always knew that he was a good-looking guy, but I think we didn't look half bad together, if I do say so myself.

Anyhow, this was not on the CD, but I don't know if I've posted it before. It's kind of unrelated, but I'm posting it here regardless.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Moms and Weddings

First of all, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to my mom and all mothers!

Second of all, my little brother got married yesterday! Isn't that great? It feels kind of weird being the oldest and only unmarried child of my parents. Sometimes I wonder if God is trying to help me to be humble since I have such a hard time with pride. Sometimes I also wonder if it will help people who know and love me to be less judgmental of others who might be in the same boat as I. Regardless, it was a nice sealing yesterday, and it was good to be with my entire family. My brother and his bride looked great and in love. Maybe someone will send me some pictures sometime (I didn't take any), and I can post a few.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

"Why don't you pour some lemmon juice on it, while you're at it?"

Tomorrow will be exactly four weeks since he broke up with me. One of my worries while dating him had to do with faithfulness - would I be able to have eyes only for him? One month later, and I try to look at other guys, and I suppose I am starting to look a little, but everyone pails in comparison, especially if I actually contemplate dating. Meanwhile, I found out tonight that he went to this particular performance, and I doubt it was by himself. Speaking of him dating, there's a ball coming up. When he broke up with me, he asked, "Are you still going to go to the ball?" I've been thinking about it lately. I figured that he would probably take someone with him, in which case it really might be too hard for me to attend - I don't know if I can handle seeing him with another girl yet. And tonight I had my suspicion confirmed. To torture myself or not to torture myself? That is the question. I know I will have to see him with another girl sooner or later. And I may even see him with a significant other, so I just have to decide if I might as well get it out of the way now, or if it will be too much at this point. "The promises of a lady!" I think the Dread Pirate Roberts spits out. "Faithfulness, madam. He spoke of your enduring faithfulness! Tell me, did you wait a week to become engaged to your prince?" I'm sure I'm butchering the quote, but you get the gist. I'm not sure how I feel about the idea that it's the woman who isn't steadfast.
Okay, okay, I know that it's totally permissible for the boy to be asking other girls out. In fact, I think it is good and healthy, and I'm glad that he can get back in the game so soon. I'm just not good and healthy yet, myself. I am starting to have some hopeful moments, though, where I feel like life without him will be possible, and probably even better than it would have been with him, but I'm also fighting guilt and not wanting to be unfaithful. It might be less out of loyalty to him and more out of not wanting to be so unromantic as to be able to let go of my feelings for him and even transfer my affections to someone else someday. I know that's stupid, but I think it's probably a normal thing that a lot of people go through. Tonight I was thinking that I should be praying for his success in finding someone. If he finds someone before I'm over him, it will force me more to let go. Not only that but I could ask him about it - "What felt better about it to make you ready and desirous to take it to an eternal level this time?"

Sunday, May 1, 2011

"Do Not Go Gently"

I also thought of this poem today, I think because there is the part of me that fights letting go and that doesn't want to go quietly. However, last night I attended this wonderful conference at church, and I decided that it's probably time for me to stop bothering all the wonderful, supportive people in my life who have been so kind in listening to me cry and try to sort through things and understand. So, a new month has begun, and though I think I still have quite the road before me, I feel like I should try to leave everyone else alone and deal quietly with my heartache. We'll see if I can actually stick to that. I don't know that I can promise - you may be subjected to more. Especially on here, what with this kind of being a journal to me and an outlet.

Will There Really Be a Morning?

I may have posted this before. Words by Emily Dickenson, sung by Conspirare.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Jonah Day

Yesterday afternoon my intestines started complaining a bit. I jogged very slowly (I was even able to talk during it without wheezing.) because I wasn't feeling so well. I have this great fear that if I skip a day that it will ruin my resolve for exercise. However, I don't know that I'll make it today. I went to bed at a decent hour last night. During the night I woke up and thought Yup. I'm sick. Maybe I get to stay home from work tomorrow. The only problem is that the other teacher went home yesterday, so I wasn't sure if he would be back today. Therefore, when I got up this morning I got ready - I stayed away from breakfast - and went down to work with the intention of coming back home if the other teacher came. I have a pretty good little commute to get down there, though, so after getting down there and settling a bit I thought maybe I should just tough it out, especially because my Institute class is tonight (We're going to finish Revelation), and I will probably feel too guilty to go if I am home from work. Well, I didn't make it very long before I decided that maybe I really should go home and try to sleep it off if I can and get better.

I just watched Anne of Avonlea this past weekend; she refers to having a Jonah Day in it, and I was thinking that I am having one today, too. I'm physically ill. My mental health is much better than it might be, but I feel unhealthy in some ways. I'm sad. My heart hurts. I guess we all have to have these Jonah Days from time to time, though, to remind us that our lives are really pretty great.

Not only that, but even though I feel a bit knocked down at the moment, I realize that my life is actually quite far from awful. I have a much happier life than many people even on days such as this. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat (I even bought bananas, bread, and apple sauce on my way home because I think I should be able to handle them.). I have a job that I really enjoy. I have friends and family who love me. I have my faith in God and Christ. So, really, I know life is good.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I felt pretty well last night and most of the day today. I got to talk to a very good friend of mine, which was great. I will even get to see him soon, which I am excited about. Then last night, a few friends came over for a barbecue, which was yummy. My roommate and some of the friends decided to watch the movie that the boy and I watched for Valentine's Day a couple of months ago; I decided not to participate in that, but it didn't make me weepy or anything. I felt pretty good for most of the day today, too, and I thought Maybe I'm getting over this. Ha! Silly girl.

The pain is back, and in a way I wonder if it is almost harder to deal with because of it's short absence. It feels intense enough at times that it's hard not to pick up the phone and call him, and say, "I can't do this!!" even though it doesn't matter if I can do it or not because he definitely can and is doing it - quite well, I think. So why can't I?

Sunday, April 24, 2011


This evening while with a friend from church, she reminded me "Better to have loved and lost . . .". I think that's true, but it means hurting something fierce after losing. Good reminder, though.

Happy Easter. That's really what I should talk about. It is an amazing thing that occurred a couple thousand years ago. I believe in the resurrection of Christ, and I believe that because he resurrected I will be resurrected. I take that assurance for granted, and I really shouldn't because it is such a gift for all of us. Christ loves us, and Heavenly Father loves us, and I am so grateful for that and to be able to feel it.