Baby Steps

I need to go to bed; it's way after my bedtime. The boy would be impressed with the hours I'm trying to keep now. However, I just wanted to report what I think is a little step in the right direction. I was away for the weekend for my brother's reception. When I got back today, I found out that my roommate wasn't going to be home until tonight. I've hit the point now where I'm not so happy to be alone so much. I did not feel like it today, that's for sure. I considered texting the boy to see if he had plans tonight, even. In the end, though, I texted a friend to find out if there was anything going on tonight. He replied in the negative, so I invited him over to watch a movie. I told him he could invite a few people if he wanted to. Anyhow, he's the only one that came - I don't know if he invited anybody or not - and we watched a movie. I admit that I thought about the boy and how it would be watching the movie with him, but watching one with a different boy is a step, right?

I Had A Good Evening

Isn't that great? A friend of mine, who I haven't talked to much in quite awhile (he was dating and then got married), and his wife, and a former roommate and her husband came over. Friend made a couple of different ice creams for us all to enjoy - and they were delightful. And when everyone left I realized that I spent a couple of hours enjoying the evening - I'm so glad. It was a nice blessing. And to top it off - I talked to an ex of my ex a couple of nights ago. We talked for quite awhile. She's a nice girl who I've been acquainted with for a couple of years, but I've never gotten to know her very well. She set me up with one of her brothers several months back. Anyhow, I left my scriptures in her car the other night. She brought them back this evening. In the pocket of my scripture case I found a card from her. It was so kind. What a lovely way to end the day.

Today's song comes from Paul Simon.

Running

Have I told you about running? I've been jogging most days since around a week after the breakup. If you know me, this is a big thing for me because I hate running. I started at 5 or 6 minutes the first day or two. Then I began to add a minute each day. The idea is to do that Monday through Saturday. Take a break Sunday. Monday back up a minute and increase the rest of the week. I've missed a few days but have been mostly successful. One of my students suggested that once I hit 20 I stay at that for awhile - "Let your lungs catch up." I hit 20 sometime last week, so I stayed there the rest. Yesterday day I went 20, and this evening I went 21. I realized that I have probably never run for that long in my life (I've been hitting records for myself for awhile now, I'm pretty sure.). Anyway, it's not something that feels great to me, and some days it really doesn't feel good. Fortunately, though, most days don't feel bad, and it's a way to release a bit of all that's part of me right now. I have mostly jogged in silence. Recently, though I have listened to parts of a couple of religious talks, which has been nice. Tonight, I listened to music - part of The City of Angels soundtrack. I used to listen to it when I felt depressed during my sophomore year of college. Here is one of the songs. I feel like it is more about actual death than the death of a relationship, but there is grief in dealing with both.

Strength

I talked to a girlfriend today who I haven't talked to for awhile. She was good and let me cry and talk. She has a level of understanding about this. Anyway, she told me to listen to this. I'm not as strong as the song - this week has been a lot of hurting. I don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I will sometime - hopefully sooner rather than later.

This weekend my brother and sister-in-law let me come over for dinner and a movie. I went there gladly, leaving my roommate and a bunch of girls at my place. They were making cheese. They get together every so often to learn cool things from each other. I've not been one to just hang with the girls (outside of roommates) for a long time. I've preferred hanging with the guys. However, being in a committed relationship, I didn't keep up friendships with the guys, of course. These girls are kind and welcoming, and I wonder if I should have stayed home the other evening. Maybe I should try to learn to love girl time.

I feel like it's been good to be learning how to be alone. I've always needed the company of others. Now I find a lot of comfort in being with myself. However, I feel like I've probably done that long enough, and it's probably time to come back to people. It's just hard to want to do that. Just fulfilling obligations that put me in public feels like enough people time to me. But it probably doesn't help me to move on to just be with me. I am grateful to not mind silence so much now, though.

Hurt that

Echoes

Acutely,

Refusing to succumb to

Time’s

Aloe,

Coats the

Heart’s

Every beat.

Thoughts On Earlier

Allow me to add a thought to what I wrote earlier. I just talked to my roommate about people asking us single people why we're not married, and I think this is why it's kind of a weird question or why I'm not sure how to respond - Because of my faith, I believe that marriage is important - necessary, even. Therefore, when people of my faith ask me about why I am single, maybe I feel like they should already know the answer. If they believe that I believe in my religion, they should know that I'm not single by choice and that it just obviously hasn't happened for me yet. Maybe that's exactly why they ask, though - because they don't understand why things don't seem to be going according to the ideal plan. We forget that we're not all on the same time-table and that God allows us to be mortal and to feel our way semi-blindly and stumble so that we can learn and become more than we would be if our lives were totally taken care of for us and if everything was ideal.

Loyalty of Ladies

Before I get into what I thought I would post about tonight, I want to answer a question from yesterday's post. Someone asked how I find the songs I do that fit my thoughts and feelings. I think most of them are ones that I already know that just pop in at appropriate moments as I search for ways to express myself or to understand what I'm feeling - sometimes unconsciously. When I posted about Rob Thomas, I had been noticing the lyrics to Mockingbird for awhile towards the end of my relationship. When I looked him up, I selected a bunch of other songs and found that some of them, like Snowblind, were also comforting. I just really like music, and I listen to it too much. Fill your head with a bunch of stuff, and sometimes it will come back to you when you really need it. There's my confession for the day. :)

I went to a meeting tonight where some of us are new to each other. Therefore, the man in charge asked us to introduce ourselves. I didn't really know what to say about myself - some of the things that I mentioned are that I'm the oldest of five children, that all of my siblings are married, and that some of them have children. So then, the man in charge said something like, "Well, what about you? We need to get you married, too, right?" I just responded something in the affirmative. I did not break into tears and say, "Well, President, I kind of thought I was working on that for over half a year with someone who I think is one of your friends . . ." What was nice was that the other two women who were there with me jumped in and smoothed things over a bit. I know they love me, and I'm grateful for their loyalty.

Tonight's questions reminded me that I will be at a wedding reception for my brother soon. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I think I am so old now that people intentionally do NOT bring up marriage. Hehe! One never knows, though, if someone will be brave/clueless/tactless/curious enough to ask me why I'm not married or when I'm going to get married, etc. I figure that maybe I should be prepared and have fun answering if anyone asks. Do you have any suggestions? Should I break down and make it really awkward for them? Should I pretend like I'm a man-hating feminist? I think it was my roommate who suggested that I tell them that I am married, and I just didn't tell them about it.

Now, when I say "clueless" and "tactless," don't think that I say it with malice. I don't really care if people ask me. I can appreciate their questions. And really, I might just answer truthfully and say, "I don't know. It just hasn't happened yet." Meanwhile, there are a lot of great things going on in my life.

Today's Songs

Daniel Bedingfield, Gwen Stefani, and Tim McGraw - Well, the Tim McGraw one was in my head yesterday? or the day before? but I just looked it up.

Heartache

Last night I dreamed that the boy and I were dating again. I think I was scared because I wondered if he would break up with me again, too. I don't know if the dream is the reason, or if seeing him earlier this week is, or if running into one of his ex-girlfriends, or if buying baby things and holding my new little nephew are the reasons, but that ache in my chest has persisted throughout the day today. The topic in sacrament meeting was friendship. I think I miss our friendship and am sad that we didn't do a better job at developing ours. And, my! I just miss him.

I assure you that I'm doing much better than I was. I have felt like I was Bella when she wakes up after months of being out of it after Edward leaves. I've felt awake again, so I guess a day, here and there, is nothing to complain about.

This Morning

I found a CD propped against my front door. It had pictures on it. Here are a few:


I always knew that he was a good-looking guy, but I think we didn't look half bad together, if I do say so myself.

Anyhow, this was not on the CD, but I don't know if I've posted it before. It's kind of unrelated, but I'm posting it here regardless.

Moms and Weddings

First of all, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to my mom and all mothers!

Second of all, my little brother got married yesterday! Isn't that great? It feels kind of weird being the oldest and only unmarried child of my parents. Sometimes I wonder if God is trying to help me to be humble since I have such a hard time with pride. Sometimes I also wonder if it will help people who know and love me to be less judgmental of others who might be in the same boat as I. Regardless, it was a nice sealing yesterday, and it was good to be with my entire family. My brother and his bride looked great and in love. Maybe someone will send me some pictures sometime (I didn't take any), and I can post a few.

"Why don't you pour some lemmon juice on it, while you're at it?"

Tomorrow will be exactly four weeks since he broke up with me. One of my worries while dating him had to do with faithfulness - would I be able to have eyes only for him? One month later, and I try to look at other guys, and I suppose I am starting to look a little, but everyone pails in comparison, especially if I actually contemplate dating. Meanwhile, I found out tonight that he went to this particular performance, and I doubt it was by himself. Speaking of him dating, there's a ball coming up. When he broke up with me, he asked, "Are you still going to go to the ball?" I've been thinking about it lately. I figured that he would probably take someone with him, in which case it really might be too hard for me to attend - I don't know if I can handle seeing him with another girl yet. And tonight I had my suspicion confirmed. To torture myself or not to torture myself? That is the question. I know I will have to see him with another girl sooner or later. And I may even see him with a significant other, so I just have to decide if I might as well get it out of the way now, or if it will be too much at this point. "The promises of a lady!" I think the Dread Pirate Roberts spits out. "Faithfulness, madam. He spoke of your enduring faithfulness! Tell me, did you wait a week to become engaged to your prince?" I'm sure I'm butchering the quote, but you get the gist. I'm not sure how I feel about the idea that it's the woman who isn't steadfast.
Okay, okay, I know that it's totally permissible for the boy to be asking other girls out. In fact, I think it is good and healthy, and I'm glad that he can get back in the game so soon. I'm just not good and healthy yet, myself. I am starting to have some hopeful moments, though, where I feel like life without him will be possible, and probably even better than it would have been with him, but I'm also fighting guilt and not wanting to be unfaithful. It might be less out of loyalty to him and more out of not wanting to be so unromantic as to be able to let go of my feelings for him and even transfer my affections to someone else someday. I know that's stupid, but I think it's probably a normal thing that a lot of people go through. Tonight I was thinking that I should be praying for his success in finding someone. If he finds someone before I'm over him, it will force me more to let go. Not only that but I could ask him about it - "What felt better about it to make you ready and desirous to take it to an eternal level this time?"

"Do Not Go Gently"

I also thought of this poem today, I think because there is the part of me that fights letting go and that doesn't want to go quietly. However, last night I attended this wonderful conference at church, and I decided that it's probably time for me to stop bothering all the wonderful, supportive people in my life who have been so kind in listening to me cry and try to sort through things and understand. So, a new month has begun, and though I think I still have quite the road before me, I feel like I should try to leave everyone else alone and deal quietly with my heartache. We'll see if I can actually stick to that. I don't know that I can promise - you may be subjected to more. Especially on here, what with this kind of being a journal to me and an outlet.

Will There Really Be a Morning?

I may have posted this before. Words by Emily Dickenson, sung by Conspirare.