Sunday, February 26, 2012

Are you online?

I recently went online - people have been telling me for years that maybe I should, but I have always avoided it because of the stigma. Also, most sites cost money. Also, my last relationship taught me that it's important to be with people - I don't think it's good enough to know someone over the net. My friend pointed out that it doesn't have to be long distance - it can just help you connect to people in your area, which is true, but I haven't thought of it like that.

Anyhow, I noticed a comment from a friend of mine about this particular site, and I investigated and decided to sign in because it was free. I didn't really think about what I could be getting myself into, so when I got a long email from a man, I got kind of nervous and thought, "Wait! I'm not that serious about it. Maybe I shouldn't have signed up. Now what?" This man asked if I would do him the courtesy of writing back, even if it was to tell him that I wasn't interested.

I took several days, but finally I did write. He has kids, so I was honest and told him that's not what I want (I do want kids, but I'd kind of like to start a family with someone else who's ready to start a family). I also told him that we could just be pen-pals if he wanted and that it would be a long shot for anything else. Since then, we've written back and forth daily. He writes long emails, and you know how much I can write, so I've learned several things about him. I have been somewhat surprised to find that we have many things in common.

He doesn't live in my city, but I went out of town on Thursday, and I was going to be near his town, so I suggested we meet. Even with the kids and one or two other concerns, I wanted to give him a chance (I mean, he's giving me one, right?). I figured that meeting up would give me the opportunity to figure out if there was any chemistry between us, besides just having things in common. We met at a restaurant for dinner, and I spent three hours there talking with him, but I just didn't feel anything. In fact, I think I felt kind of turned off. It wasn't a bad date. It was fine, and we obviously had things to talk about, but I did not accept his offer to do something the next night.

I think he's a decent guy, and the fact that he has a bunch of kids doesn't really bother me. In fact, they kind of tug at my heart-strings and at the mother part of me because they're innocent little people who ought to be part of a forever family.

You also know how much I want to get on with that part of my life, so it's kind of depressing to feel like, "No." I want it to work with someone. Most guys are totally not interested in giving me that kind of chance, so it's frustrating when a good guy is willing to try and I don't feel like I can in return. It's tempting to try to force it, but I think I've already been down that road, and it didn't work. Not only that, but maybe he would take me up on it, and it would be unfair to him and to me. So I think I know what I need to do, but I have to make myself actually do it, and I don't quite want to.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Well, I have made it through another week. I don't really have much to share. I don't feel very well; I think I've got to find a way to add in some exercise - endorphins, you know? I just looked up the word and learned that they are produced when eating spicy food - I could do that. Acupuncture seems to help, too - maybe I should go do that again sometime.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Tender Mercies II

Last night I attended the Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert that was part of Arizona's centennial celebration. I had been getting progressively anxious that I would see the ex-boy and his girlfriend there (my good friend, remember?). I feel like I've been doing so well since feeling so hurt awhile back and deciding to pretend like he doesn't exist, but that hasn't been working as well lately. I think it has to do with his birthday being tomorrow, with Valentine's Day being Tuesday (I still have the bouquet of flowers he gave me last year.), and with knowing that he was also buying tickets to the concert. His girlfriend is away at grad school, but the concert, his birthday, and Valentine's Day all being now made me think that he would probably fly her down for the weekend. Whether or not that happened, I don't know, but I definitely stressed it because I just didn't feel like I could deal with seeing them together. I'm very stupid, I know, but that's how it is. So instead of not worrying about it unless it actually happened, I became progressively more upset about it each day leading up to the concert. Anyway, I went to the concert, and I didn't see him, so that was a wonderful blessing.

Another wonderful blessing was seeing the concert. The Choir is so good! My friend isn't in it anymore, so I don't have him to look for in it, but it's just a great choir. They sang a variety of songs, and each number was beautiful. I recommend attending one of their concerts at least once in your life (that includes their broadcasts. You can attend their broadcasts for free, by the way.).

And the other super big blessing of the evening was running into a friend of mine who I haven't seen for seven years (if I calculated correctly). Once upon a time, I attended a community college. My first semester there I had four wonderful roommates. One of my roommates had an older brother who was also attending the college. He was totally good-looking, very cool, and one of the most eligible bachelors on campus. Because I lived with and was friends with his sister, I got to be friends with him, too. I knew he would never date me, so I set out for a brother/sister relationship, and it worked. He became a kind older brother to me, and I loved him. I graduated and went on my mission. When I got back, I attended my roommate's wedding and got to see him there, which was really nice. I think that was seven years ago. Since that time, I have thought about him occasionally, and I have stalked him a little on Facebook. During intermission last night, this couple had to get past us to get to the aisle. As they passed by, I had to do a double-take. He was already in the aisle when I finally said, "Brother?" Okay, I really said his name, but anyhow. He turned around and looked at me for a minute, and then, "What the heck?" and I got myself out to the aisle and into a hug. I met his wife. They went potty, and while I waited I sat and almost cried because it was so neat to run into him (and my emotions have been running kind of high). I didn't even think he lived in the state - which I guess he does, but still - what are the odds? When he and his wife returned, I realized that there was nobody sitting in the seats between him and my little group, so I just went over and sat by him the rest of the time. We didn't get to talk much, since it was a concert. I wanted to link my arm in his and just enjoy the contact with someone I really care about, but he's married, and I don't know if that's okay, so I didn't. But at least I got to sit next to him and be by my friend. I didn't get to talk to him after the concert, either; his father-in-law is in the Choir, so my friend and his wife jetted to go meet up with dad. But I saw him and hugged him, and I met his wife, who seems really nice, and it was great to have that brief reunion. And now I know where he's at, so maybe I can take a little road-trip sometime.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Kindred Spirits

I went to my first "focus class" at the dance studio today. After my last private lesson, while Bob was doing paperwork, I told him I had a question. I explained that I was too poor to continue private lessons, but I wondered if I could attend his focus class without buying the private ones. And I found out that I can! Not only that, but the punch cards can be used for any of the focus classes. I'm glad about that because I want to attend the class that Bob teaches, but it focuses on creating muscle memory, and usually you don't actually dance with anyone during it - meaning, I might want to go to some of the other classes so I can practice dancing. During my last private lesson, Bob mostly worked on Cuban motion with me, and did some of the things he teaches in the focus class. I had wanted to go and just dance my heart out, since I knew I might not be dancing for awhile again, but he's the teacher, so we did what he wanted to do. Much of the lesson was spent with him facing me, holding my hands, and walking slowly across the dance floor one way and then the other. Eventually he had us just doing a box - very slowly again. He sped it up quite gradually. Anyway, while we were doing those exercises, I stared at my legs and feet because he was trying to teach me the correct way to distribute my weight and drive through the floor on one leg, which lets the opposite hip and leg naturally do what they're supposed to do. I don't know how long we were doing the box step, but eventually he stopped or did something that got me to look up. When I did, I noticed that his face was totally red. "Did you know that I was laughing at you?" Obviously not. I guess that he was enjoying how zoned I was while trying to execute the steps correctly (and not doing a very good job at it, I don't think). I'm glad I could be entertainment, I guess.

I didn't get to class early today, so I just walked in and quietly found a spot on the dance floor. It took awhile for Bob to notice that I was there, but when he did - "Oh. Everybody, this is Jamie. Jamie, this is everybody." And I was surprised and pleased that he knows my name. Isn't that silly? He's been teaching me, so it makes sense, but for some reason it often surprises me when people know my name. Maybe part of that is because I'm so terrible at remembering names, myself.

Later on, he suddenly asked me how I was doing, or what was up, or something. I can't recall what he had us all working on at the time, but I was busy being frustrated with myself over not doing whatever-it-was correctly. Then he explained to the other woman there, "She just had this look on her face. I needed to check in." So I don't know what is going on with my facial expressions - a long time ago the mother of one of my friends told me that I had a great poker face, but that must not always be the case.

I think that Bob is a kindred spirit, though, so I really like him, and he can say about anything to me that he wants to. I was leaving the studio right when he was going outside for a smoke, so I told him a little about The Artist for a few minutes. I feel like he would probably like it. We also talked The Hunger Games, which I still need to read (and intend to read before the movie comes out). And we talked steampunk, which he seems to really like. I don't think I have read anything that could be classified as steampunk, but I like some of the art okay. Maybe I should give it a try. Have any of you read it? Opinions?

Friday, February 3, 2012

The Artist

Have you been to see The Artist yet? If not, I totally recommend it. My brother showed me a trailer for it awhile back. It's won quite a few awards and is up for an oscar. If you haven't heard of the film, it is about a silent film actor and what he goes through with the advent of talkies. It's in black & white, and it's mostly silent. The movie is arty enough that I think it's pleasing critics, but it's also very sweet and can appeal to regular folk (well, regular people who like old movies). It did take a few minutes for me to get used to no speaking - it was interesting to hear the silence of the theater and know that if I laughed, everyone else would know, too - but I got used to it. It's kind of neat seeing how much you can understand without words. I think that the leads gave good performances - especially the male lead. He had the perfect look for the part, too. The music was beautiful. My brother pointed out to me that they use music from Vertigo in a part of the film, which worked really well. I cried quite a bit, which means that I connected with the main character and what he was going through. But it's not a depressing movie. It's beautiful and sweet, and I would love to own it.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I haven't subjected you to details of my last dance lesson yet. Shame on me. And I won't do it tonight, either. I just wanted to post quickly about a couple of compliments I received today. During lunch, I went into Robert's office to retrieve my food from the refrigerator, and suddenly one of my students exclaimed, "Have you lost weight, Jamie?! You look skinnier." When Robert started giving her a bad time about something (he was joking), I immediately told him that she could do whatever she wanted because - you know - she made my day. Then, after class this evening, one of my friends complimented my outfit.

Aren't compliments the best? They can make a person uncomfortable, but they're nice, all the same.