Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Jonah Day

Yesterday afternoon my intestines started complaining a bit. I jogged very slowly (I was even able to talk during it without wheezing.) because I wasn't feeling so well. I have this great fear that if I skip a day that it will ruin my resolve for exercise. However, I don't know that I'll make it today. I went to bed at a decent hour last night. During the night I woke up and thought Yup. I'm sick. Maybe I get to stay home from work tomorrow. The only problem is that the other teacher went home yesterday, so I wasn't sure if he would be back today. Therefore, when I got up this morning I got ready - I stayed away from breakfast - and went down to work with the intention of coming back home if the other teacher came. I have a pretty good little commute to get down there, though, so after getting down there and settling a bit I thought maybe I should just tough it out, especially because my Institute class is tonight (We're going to finish Revelation), and I will probably feel too guilty to go if I am home from work. Well, I didn't make it very long before I decided that maybe I really should go home and try to sleep it off if I can and get better.

I just watched Anne of Avonlea this past weekend; she refers to having a Jonah Day in it, and I was thinking that I am having one today, too. I'm physically ill. My mental health is much better than it might be, but I feel unhealthy in some ways. I'm sad. My heart hurts. I guess we all have to have these Jonah Days from time to time, though, to remind us that our lives are really pretty great.

Not only that, but even though I feel a bit knocked down at the moment, I realize that my life is actually quite far from awful. I have a much happier life than many people even on days such as this. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat (I even bought bananas, bread, and apple sauce on my way home because I think I should be able to handle them.). I have a job that I really enjoy. I have friends and family who love me. I have my faith in God and Christ. So, really, I know life is good.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I felt pretty well last night and most of the day today. I got to talk to a very good friend of mine, which was great. I will even get to see him soon, which I am excited about. Then last night, a few friends came over for a barbecue, which was yummy. My roommate and some of the friends decided to watch the movie that the boy and I watched for Valentine's Day a couple of months ago; I decided not to participate in that, but it didn't make me weepy or anything. I felt pretty good for most of the day today, too, and I thought Maybe I'm getting over this. Ha! Silly girl.

The pain is back, and in a way I wonder if it is almost harder to deal with because of it's short absence. It feels intense enough at times that it's hard not to pick up the phone and call him, and say, "I can't do this!!" even though it doesn't matter if I can do it or not because he definitely can and is doing it - quite well, I think. So why can't I?

Sunday, April 24, 2011


This evening while with a friend from church, she reminded me "Better to have loved and lost . . .". I think that's true, but it means hurting something fierce after losing. Good reminder, though.

Happy Easter. That's really what I should talk about. It is an amazing thing that occurred a couple thousand years ago. I believe in the resurrection of Christ, and I believe that because he resurrected I will be resurrected. I take that assurance for granted, and I really shouldn't because it is such a gift for all of us. Christ loves us, and Heavenly Father loves us, and I am so grateful for that and to be able to feel it.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Heard on a Radio Program this Afternoon

Sonnet 113

Since I left you, mine eye is in my mind;
And that which governs me to go about
Doth part his function and is partly blind,
Seems seeing, but effectually is out;
For it no form delivers to the heart
Of bird of flower, or shape, which it doth latch:
Of his quick objects hath the mind no part,
Nor his own vision holds what it doth catch:
For if it see the rudest or gentlest sight,
The most sweet favour or deformed'st creature,
The mountain or the sea, the day or night,
The crow or dove, it shapes them to your feature:
Incapable of more, replete with you,
My most true mind thus makes mine eye untrue.

- Shakespeare


Last night a friend, my roommate, and I watched Anne of Avonlea. Although I don't think I care to watch most romances right now, I thought Anne might be okay because Gilbert and she separate for awhile and then come back together - okay, so I suppose that happens in a lot of love stories, but this one seemed like it would be alright. And it was. I did okay, even though I noticed that my former boy's physique is like Gilbert's in some ways. And I still did okay when I noticed that one of Gilbert's facial expressions is also like one that I have seen from the boy.

Also, earlier that night, I finished reading Elder Oaks' talk from a few weeks ago, Desire. It is such an awesome talk. I really liked it during Conference; when I first heard it, I listened in terms of being with the boy, and I remember thinking that I wanted to study it and take the counsel from it and see if it would help me in my relationship with him.

Anyhow, there is a part at the end of the talk that speaks about how and eternal marriage should be one of our "paramount" desires. Elder Oaks says, "Those who are single should desire a temple marriage and exert priority efforts to obtain it." That got me thinking - so temple marriage should be a paramount desire to me, and I should be exerting priority efforts to obtain one. I actually felt okay reading it and like, okay, I need to figure out what that means for me and I need to find someone who wants to marry me. I'm a little unsure about what exerting priority efforts means for a woman, as we're not the ones who do the asking out, but I guess it probably means that at some point I'm going to have to force myself to try to be social again.

But then I woke up with my stomach in knots today because I was going to a service project (cleaning a graveyard - yes!) that I knew he was going to be at. It wasn't as bad as I was afraid it might be, but it's hard not to be sad. I'm sure that when I get down the road a ways, and when I find someone, I will be so grateful that he broke up with me because it's not been easy for us anyway, and it would probably be wise to be with someone with whom the relationship was easier. Or he'll find someone and part of me will be devastated, but the other part of me will be glad that he held out for what he really wanted and that he found it because he will be happier that way. It's just hard in the moment, that's all.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Almond Extract

Sunday when I was making frosting for some cupcakes I heard the boy tell me it would taste better if I added almond extract to it - so I did. I wasn't so obedient while we were dating, but I couldn't help but want to oblige him now.

I also did something less than intelligent last night - I asked him to come run with me because I was missing him so. He came, probably thinking that I must need something and that I shouldn't be running at night. The potentially positive thing about his coming is that I think (although we'll see if I can convince my heart) it helped me realize that he won't be coming back - that he really doesn't want me, and that's all there is to it.

I wish I had some money right now - if I did, I think I would go to Europe for awhile and try to lose myself in art and history and beauty. But I suppose I couldn't really lose myself, could I? I might be able to distract myself for awhile, but I would still have to work through this. It's frustrating; after talking to him last night, and throughout today I have felt 'Okay. I can do this. I can face it that he's not coming back, and I can accept it and be content with myself.' But here I am, it is evening, and I feel the sadness threatening to work its way to the surface and plunge me into an unrealistic, desperate wishing for things that will not be. :( Maybe that's because I'm supposed to be at his place tonight, eating dinner with him and talking to him and just being with him.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

How to Deal with a Break Up, continued

On Thursday I was reminded that one should always be careful about sounding too confident about something. I told my mom that I have really been doing quite well since the break up. Later that evening I had the worst cry-out that I've had in several years regarding a boy. The last time was after I had finally decided that I did want to date this particular guy. I was so excited about it because I knew that I just needed to tell him - then I found out that he had started dating someone else. Anyhow, I think what brought it on was taxes. Taxes are a good reason to cry, but that's not why I was crying, of course. He helped me get mine ready a couple of months back, but I never filed my state taxes. I finally tried to gather things and get it done on Thursday. In the process I came across memories, and that got the waterworks going. I had a question about the form, too, so I actually went and saw him that night after he finished teaching dance. He was just impersonally cordial most of the time. But he finally really looked at me - I wonder if I was still red-rimmed enough for him to suspect what had happened earlier in the evening. He fixed my hair a couple of times. He gave me a real hug after walking me to my car, and I was reminded that I fit well in his arms. Uggh.

Yesterday was kind of sad, too. I had two proms to attend, and he was supposed to be my date. I spent yesterday listening to Comfortably Numb because it was soothing for some reason. Being numb is nice sometimes. That night, during my high school's prom, Twisted came on, and I just wanted him to be there to dance it with me. After that, some Owl City song came on that added to the sadness a little.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

How to Deal with a Break Up

I did go through with it - I donated my hair. Since I was kind of nervous about how short it would be once it was cut, I kind of felt like I wanted to trust whoever was cutting it to make it look good. Because of that I called this more reputable salon that I know does Locks of Love to find out what the damage would be to my pocket if I had them cut it. It turns out the cut is complimentary if you have one of their students do it and it's for Locks of Love. I set up an appointment and went, and so far I'm pleased with the cut. The stylist actually didn't use the front of my hair for the donation, so that was able to stay longer. Not only that, but he was a really nice, calm guy, so it was an okay hour of my life. One of my students said he doesn't like it that I cut my hair, and my School Husband divorced me ("Thanks - first my boyfriend dumps me, and now my school husband divorces. I'm just rejected everywhere!"), but I think all of the other comments from students were positive.

I actually didn't start out to tell you about my hair-cut, although I suppose that plays into the title of my post because I did it because it was something that I had control over. Another thing I recommend doing to deal with a break up is listening to Rob Thomas. I don't even really own much of his music, but Grooveshark lets you create playlists, and that's what I have done, and I feel like Thomas has lots of soothing relationship-trouble songs. I especially recommend Mockingbird and Snowblind. Not only that, but I once heard that he had said something positive about Latter-day Saints (I don't even know if that's true), and I've had a special liking for him ever since.

Anyhow, what I really meant to write about is how I'm going through this guilt thing now. I wish I hadn't been so critical of the boy. I wish I had focused on his strengths more. I wish I hadn't talked about him to other people because things I shared to try to sort things out or vent were only that and did not reflect how great of a person he is, and I'm afraid that there are those who don't know that and do not have an accurate view of him. He wasn't perfect, but none of us are (I am especially imperfect), and he was a gentleman towards me and treated me well. He was thoughtful and romantic.

We had class this evening. I sat next to him, which irritated my loyal, protective roommate - "Why are you doing this? To what end?" but I kind of feel like for me - I'm weird, I know - it might force me to get into friend mode faster. Not only that, but if I had sat somewhere else I'm sure I would not have been any better off with my feelings. I'm not sure what he thought about it, though. He left early, which means that I didn't get to talk to him about it or apologize for everything I feel bad about. You know, I want to be kind, I want to be good - it's frustrating realizing how far I have to go to get there.

Monday, April 11, 2011

It's Over!

I wish I had written so many more times in the past six or seven months so that you and I would have a clearer idea about what has gone on in them. I didn't, though, and now I can't chronicle the rest of my relationship because the boy broke up with me again - this time with the specific intention to really be done. He tends to stay friends with his ex-girlfriends, and I have long held to the idea that I would be similar, so we will see if I can handle remaining on friendly terms. Not that we wouldn't, but what I mean is that we will still see each other (we have one or two weekly things together), and so will we be aloof from each other, or will we pretend like we've only ever been good friends? "Hey! How was your week? How are you doing?" kind of thing. We still spent a couple of days together after breaking up - I hear my dad says we don't know how to break up - which probably doesn't seem like the best idea, but I was supposed to play for him to sing in his ward on Sunday, so we kind of had to see each other anyway. And, in a way I feel like it helped me resolve some things - tie up some of the loose ends.
As I have said before, I think this is for the best, but dealing with the loss is not going to be fun. I think I will feel lost for awhile. This morning I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I'm hoping to use my new-found time to really clean my house, to exercise and meditate, etc. I hope I can work on developing myself into a better person. The more impulsive part of me thinks I'm going to donate my hair this week, too. My hair is not as long as I would like it to be to do that (I think it will be quite short if I donate), so we will see if I have the guts/desperation/determination to go through with it - maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, April 3, 2011


I feel rather hesitant about saying anything, but the boy and I are back again. I feel kind of wary about saying that, but since I posted about our last breakup, I didn't want to leave you thinking that we are really over. Still, though, I think I may not tell people about what's going on with us anymore until there's something more definite to say. That "can't live with him, can't live without him" thing has come to mind recently. I wish I wasn't so wishy-washy and that I knew my heart and mind better. I have a couple of goals that should help my health to improve, and I am hoping that working on those things will help me to be able to better understand this other part of my life. Por lo menos it won't hurt anything, other than it will require me to wake up earlier in the morning and go to be earlier at night.