Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Almond Extract

Sunday when I was making frosting for some cupcakes I heard the boy tell me it would taste better if I added almond extract to it - so I did. I wasn't so obedient while we were dating, but I couldn't help but want to oblige him now.

I also did something less than intelligent last night - I asked him to come run with me because I was missing him so. He came, probably thinking that I must need something and that I shouldn't be running at night. The potentially positive thing about his coming is that I think (although we'll see if I can convince my heart) it helped me realize that he won't be coming back - that he really doesn't want me, and that's all there is to it.

I wish I had some money right now - if I did, I think I would go to Europe for awhile and try to lose myself in art and history and beauty. But I suppose I couldn't really lose myself, could I? I might be able to distract myself for awhile, but I would still have to work through this. It's frustrating; after talking to him last night, and throughout today I have felt 'Okay. I can do this. I can face it that he's not coming back, and I can accept it and be content with myself.' But here I am, it is evening, and I feel the sadness threatening to work its way to the surface and plunge me into an unrealistic, desperate wishing for things that will not be. :( Maybe that's because I'm supposed to be at his place tonight, eating dinner with him and talking to him and just being with him.

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