Sunday, January 30, 2011

So I Haven't Written for Awhile

During the interim, the boy and I have hooked back up. We had a fantastic week following getting back together. Then I started slipping into my fun little anxiety pit. Therefore, I ask you all for your prayers, if you wouldn't mind. The people around me seem to suggest that I try to stick it out with the boy, but when I'm feeling crappy (which feels like most hours of the day right now), it's hard to try to do that. Not only that, but how horrible for my boy, right? He doesn't understand what's going on, nor can it be comfortable to think of dealing with this demon of mine long-term. I try to be pretty open about where I'm at and what I'm feeling, etc., but I don't know if that's all that good for him to know, either. Yesterday we were supposed to go to roller derby, which I've never been to before. He came and picked me up, and I felt a little panicked with him, which is frustrating. We went to dinner. Then we went by a post office before continuing to the games. Before we ever made it there, the panic built to the point that I thought I might throw up, so I finally asked my boy to take me home, which he did. He would have stayed with me, too, but I told him he could go to the game, so he did that. While I was home by myself, I cried and plead with Heavenly Father. Then I slept. Then I woke up anxious. Then Devin and his fiance came over and stayed with me until Desi came. Then she talked to me until the boy came back. Talking to her was good, and I enjoyed the time with him when he came back.
Today I just slept until I needed to get ready for church - sleep is the only relief one gets from thinking sometimes. I paid attention in church and took notes. Devin came and held me after the first hour. Then I went to the bathroom for tissue and cried. He brought me home after church and stayed with me until a roommate came home. Then one of my friends came and we soaked our feet, which was nice. She just listened to me talk about things for a long time, until her boyfriend - also a very good friend of mine - came over, and then he listened, too. He also gave me a head and back massage, which I so appreciated because I am so tensed up right now. My head has felt so hot lately. They stayed until my boy came, and I am so grateful that I felt good with him again. We chatted and read. So I feel mostly okay right now, but I am wary that I will wake up in the morning back in the pit.
All I ate today was a few bites of scone, a roll, a strawberry, and some peaches. So maybe I will lose some weight at least, eh?

Friday, January 7, 2011


Besides the fact that this breakup is affecting me directly, it's kind of interesting to experience what I assume are typical phases of dealing with being dumped. The first two days were intense emotion and lots of crying and shock. I could hardly eat, and various other body systems underwent changes - I'm still dealing with some of that. The next two days were continued shock, I think, ups and downs in my mood, and numbness that made me think, Am I over him so fast? Did I actually not love him but just made myself think I did? Then, last night, I looked up (stalker, I know, but Facebook makes it so easy) pictures and videos of him and I felt my heart again. Today has been pain - in my stomach and in my heart - that physical ache and yearning for that someone who is not there. Right now I feel like I'm getting more and more into the Oh please come back! thing. I've heard that once I hit the anger stage that I'm almost over it - I'm not there. So, in this current heartache place, I'm indulging myself. I put him on my desktop - I don't know if I can really keep that up, but I'm trying to get in what I can before a week from Saturday. We are going to a show that night - it's been planned for a long time - unless he cancels on me, and it is my goal to remove signs of him from my life after that until I am my own person again and free from that chain that runs from my heart to him. Unless my hope is granted (which I don't believe is likely).
I think I'm doing pretty well, though, and I'm so grateful for all of the prayers that are being said for me right now and all of the people who are letting me talk to them. I think God is blessing me so much right now; He is so tender in His care.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Funny - I would have thought my post tonight would be on a very predictable topic - normal New Year's type of post following my template from the last couple of years or so. However, that topic is not to be tonight. I have begun the year with a new first - that of rejection that comes in the form of a breakup.
After three great months of committed dating, preceded by several months of casual, testing-the-waters dating, after spending the past week and a half with his family and getting to know them, the two of us went on a walk as a couple and came back single. I was not expecting it. I knew we were going to talk and was looking forward to it. Even when he began by telling me that his feelings for me are not what he thinks they should be I didn't realize we were breaking up. I thought we were just communicating - not doing anything definite. I was wrong. His breaking up with me today might have been an answer to my prayer - it's just not the easiest thing to go through, eh? And not what I wanted. I am totally grateful for him and the good times and what he has taught me. He has been a blessing in my life.