Sunday, January 30, 2011

So I Haven't Written for Awhile

During the interim, the boy and I have hooked back up. We had a fantastic week following getting back together. Then I started slipping into my fun little anxiety pit. Therefore, I ask you all for your prayers, if you wouldn't mind. The people around me seem to suggest that I try to stick it out with the boy, but when I'm feeling crappy (which feels like most hours of the day right now), it's hard to try to do that. Not only that, but how horrible for my boy, right? He doesn't understand what's going on, nor can it be comfortable to think of dealing with this demon of mine long-term. I try to be pretty open about where I'm at and what I'm feeling, etc., but I don't know if that's all that good for him to know, either. Yesterday we were supposed to go to roller derby, which I've never been to before. He came and picked me up, and I felt a little panicked with him, which is frustrating. We went to dinner. Then we went by a post office before continuing to the games. Before we ever made it there, the panic built to the point that I thought I might throw up, so I finally asked my boy to take me home, which he did. He would have stayed with me, too, but I told him he could go to the game, so he did that. While I was home by myself, I cried and plead with Heavenly Father. Then I slept. Then I woke up anxious. Then Devin and his fiance came over and stayed with me until Desi came. Then she talked to me until the boy came back. Talking to her was good, and I enjoyed the time with him when he came back.
Today I just slept until I needed to get ready for church - sleep is the only relief one gets from thinking sometimes. I paid attention in church and took notes. Devin came and held me after the first hour. Then I went to the bathroom for tissue and cried. He brought me home after church and stayed with me until a roommate came home. Then one of my friends came and we soaked our feet, which was nice. She just listened to me talk about things for a long time, until her boyfriend - also a very good friend of mine - came over, and then he listened, too. He also gave me a head and back massage, which I so appreciated because I am so tensed up right now. My head has felt so hot lately. They stayed until my boy came, and I am so grateful that I felt good with him again. We chatted and read. So I feel mostly okay right now, but I am wary that I will wake up in the morning back in the pit.
All I ate today was a few bites of scone, a roll, a strawberry, and some peaches. So maybe I will lose some weight at least, eh?


Kate said...

I had a boy phobia a while back and it still lingers. The last guy I dated I feel real bad for cause I was a bad girlfriend. But I am sorry you are having all this anxiety. Just stick with it is my advice. There must be a reason you are back together. I also can't eat when I am anxious. Not so great. :(

Empress Avlis said...

Being unable to control your anxiety is the most frustrating experience, I know :( Just try to remind yourself of how absolutely amazing you are, and how lucky the boy is to have you in his life. Easier said than done, I know, but you're in my thoughts always. You deserve happiness. <3