Desires

Last night a friend, my roommate, and I watched Anne of Avonlea. Although I don't think I care to watch most romances right now, I thought Anne might be okay because Gilbert and she separate for awhile and then come back together - okay, so I suppose that happens in a lot of love stories, but this one seemed like it would be alright. And it was. I did okay, even though I noticed that my former boy's physique is like Gilbert's in some ways. And I still did okay when I noticed that one of Gilbert's facial expressions is also like one that I have seen from the boy.

Also, earlier that night, I finished reading Elder Oaks' talk from a few weeks ago, Desire. It is such an awesome talk. I really liked it during Conference; when I first heard it, I listened in terms of being with the boy, and I remember thinking that I wanted to study it and take the counsel from it and see if it would help me in my relationship with him.

Anyhow, there is a part at the end of the talk that speaks about how and eternal marriage should be one of our "paramount" desires. Elder Oaks says, "Those who are single should desire a temple marriage and exert priority efforts to obtain it." That got me thinking - so temple marriage should be a paramount desire to me, and I should be exerting priority efforts to obtain one. I actually felt okay reading it and like, okay, I need to figure out what that means for me and I need to find someone who wants to marry me. I'm a little unsure about what exerting priority efforts means for a woman, as we're not the ones who do the asking out, but I guess it probably means that at some point I'm going to have to force myself to try to be social again.

But then I woke up with my stomach in knots today because I was going to a service project (cleaning a graveyard - yes!) that I knew he was going to be at. It wasn't as bad as I was afraid it might be, but it's hard not to be sad. I'm sure that when I get down the road a ways, and when I find someone, I will be so grateful that he broke up with me because it's not been easy for us anyway, and it would probably be wise to be with someone with whom the relationship was easier. Or he'll find someone and part of me will be devastated, but the other part of me will be glad that he held out for what he really wanted and that he found it because he will be happier that way. It's just hard in the moment, that's all.