Are you online?

I recently went online - people have been telling me for years that maybe I should, but I have always avoided it because of the stigma. Also, most sites cost money. Also, my last relationship taught me that it's important to be with people - I don't think it's good enough to know someone over the net. My friend pointed out that it doesn't have to be long distance - it can just help you connect to people in your area, which is true, but I haven't thought of it like that.

Anyhow, I noticed a comment from a friend of mine about this particular site, and I investigated and decided to sign in because it was free. I didn't really think about what I could be getting myself into, so when I got a long email from a man, I got kind of nervous and thought, "Wait! I'm not that serious about it. Maybe I shouldn't have signed up. Now what?" This man asked if I would do him the courtesy of writing back, even if it was to tell him that I wasn't interested.

I took several days, but finally I did write. He has kids, so I was honest and told him that's not what I want (I do want kids, but I'd kind of like to start a family with someone else who's ready to start a family). I also told him that we could just be pen-pals if he wanted and that it would be a long shot for anything else. Since then, we've written back and forth daily. He writes long emails, and you know how much I can write, so I've learned several things about him. I have been somewhat surprised to find that we have many things in common.

He doesn't live in my city, but I went out of town on Thursday, and I was going to be near his town, so I suggested we meet. Even with the kids and one or two other concerns, I wanted to give him a chance (I mean, he's giving me one, right?). I figured that meeting up would give me the opportunity to figure out if there was any chemistry between us, besides just having things in common. We met at a restaurant for dinner, and I spent three hours there talking with him, but I just didn't feel anything. In fact, I think I felt kind of turned off. It wasn't a bad date. It was fine, and we obviously had things to talk about, but I did not accept his offer to do something the next night.

I think he's a decent guy, and the fact that he has a bunch of kids doesn't really bother me. In fact, they kind of tug at my heart-strings and at the mother part of me because they're innocent little people who ought to be part of a forever family.

You also know how much I want to get on with that part of my life, so it's kind of depressing to feel like, "No." I want it to work with someone. Most guys are totally not interested in giving me that kind of chance, so it's frustrating when a good guy is willing to try and I don't feel like I can in return. It's tempting to try to force it, but I think I've already been down that road, and it didn't work. Not only that, but maybe he would take me up on it, and it would be unfair to him and to me. So I think I know what I need to do, but I have to make myself actually do it, and I don't quite want to.