Wednesday, May 4, 2011

"Why don't you pour some lemmon juice on it, while you're at it?"

Tomorrow will be exactly four weeks since he broke up with me. One of my worries while dating him had to do with faithfulness - would I be able to have eyes only for him? One month later, and I try to look at other guys, and I suppose I am starting to look a little, but everyone pails in comparison, especially if I actually contemplate dating. Meanwhile, I found out tonight that he went to this particular performance, and I doubt it was by himself. Speaking of him dating, there's a ball coming up. When he broke up with me, he asked, "Are you still going to go to the ball?" I've been thinking about it lately. I figured that he would probably take someone with him, in which case it really might be too hard for me to attend - I don't know if I can handle seeing him with another girl yet. And tonight I had my suspicion confirmed. To torture myself or not to torture myself? That is the question. I know I will have to see him with another girl sooner or later. And I may even see him with a significant other, so I just have to decide if I might as well get it out of the way now, or if it will be too much at this point. "The promises of a lady!" I think the Dread Pirate Roberts spits out. "Faithfulness, madam. He spoke of your enduring faithfulness! Tell me, did you wait a week to become engaged to your prince?" I'm sure I'm butchering the quote, but you get the gist. I'm not sure how I feel about the idea that it's the woman who isn't steadfast.
Okay, okay, I know that it's totally permissible for the boy to be asking other girls out. In fact, I think it is good and healthy, and I'm glad that he can get back in the game so soon. I'm just not good and healthy yet, myself. I am starting to have some hopeful moments, though, where I feel like life without him will be possible, and probably even better than it would have been with him, but I'm also fighting guilt and not wanting to be unfaithful. It might be less out of loyalty to him and more out of not wanting to be so unromantic as to be able to let go of my feelings for him and even transfer my affections to someone else someday. I know that's stupid, but I think it's probably a normal thing that a lot of people go through. Tonight I was thinking that I should be praying for his success in finding someone. If he finds someone before I'm over him, it will force me more to let go. Not only that but I could ask him about it - "What felt better about it to make you ready and desirous to take it to an eternal level this time?"

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