Friday, October 7, 2011

6 Months

That's what today marks. I don't get more than misty anymore. And the mist isn't very often, either. However, I still notice his name - in a book or other random places - and I don't recall coming across that name before. Then there are the actual references to him; I'm still jealous of who he might be with or what he's doing. I've only contacted him a couple of times since a communication from him several months ago requesting no more communication - and he's contacted me several times since then (explain that one to me, will you?). I still have to prep myself when I think I might see him somewhere and deal with my nerves while I wait for him to walk in the door or appear in view. And then there's the occasional accidental meeting when he suddenly walks into a place I don't think he's been to in a long time, or we both happen to be in Google docs at the same time, entering info for a friend's wedding. And even though I dreamt about someone else last night (someone I think I want to work on getting to ask me out), and it was a nice, cozy dream, he still shows up sometimes. I'm still listening to several of the songs I've posted.

One of my roommates got engaged last weekend; it's such a different feeling to watch from the outside and to wonder how it happens. It's weird thinking of my former special friend and remembering what we had while observing what we didn't. And I still feel mad at him when I think that what I gave might have meant more to me than it did to him. It's humiliating, and I get mad at myself for being foolish. Live and learn, though, right? And try to be smarter - and more cautious - next time.

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