Part of Life

Isn't life so funny sometimes? I was having a hard time wanting the boy again, recently, and being worried that Christmas was going to be hard, but it ended up being alright. Like I wrote in my last post, I enjoyed being with my family. I felt more okay again with not being with the boy, and I thought a little bit about what it is that I want in someone.

Then I found out today that one of my most favorite people from here is dating the boy, and crash goes the progress, and I'm thrown off again. I met this girl here some years back; she's really a terrific girl and a wonderful friend. She's one of those people who's good at loving you, so you just love her back. Anyway, she actually kind of already has a history with the boy, and when he and I started dating, I was a little nervous about how she would feel about it. However, she took it alright. When he broke up with me, she let me talk to her about it, and she helped me understand a little better about how I deal with love because of the way she deals with it. She's listened to me several times since the breakup, and it's been nice to have someone so understanding of my continued feelings for him.

She is away for grad school but came home for Christmas, so I asked her if we could get together sometime before she leaves for next semester. She called to see if we could meet up today, and I was so excited for it and happy that she was making it happen because I guess she's leaving tomorrow. Anyhow, after we'd been making small talk for awhile, she talked to me about how he has started dating her. I really appreciate her courage in telling me - she knows that I still love him, and it's not a comfortable thing to do - and I'm really glad that I know, but ouch! We talked for quite awhile, and I felt like I took it as well as could have been expected, but I felt like I needed to break down, and I couldn't do it after she left because by that time we had some company over. I emailed a former roommate, and she actually stopped by, and I think we are going to do something tomorrow.

I had such plans for working on cleaning my room this week, but earlier tonight the thought of being at home by myself all week was really upsetting. So maybe I will try to fill up the time with friends if I can. Maybe I will feel better about it tomorrow.

And the thing is, I'm not mad at my friend. I really love her, and I'm so glad that she cares about our friendship as much as she does. I also really hope she doesn't end up getting hurt. It's just hard for reasons that definitely have more to do with me than they do with the boy or anyone else.