Otra Vez

My boyfriend and I broke up again. Uggh! As you know, I've been having more of a tricky time with my health for the past few months, and that didn't make things easier, and now I am single again. It happened earlier this week, so I have had a few days to reflect on it, and I fear many more such days to come. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing that we split - in fact, it may be a very good thing. However, I'm so stubborn about some things, and I didn't want to feel like I was giving up. I wanted to make it work. Anyhow, we decided to take a break. I am afraid it might be more permanent than a break, though, and in the moments where I feel his absence most acutely, that thought is especially unpleasant. I love him, but love isn't enough, and I figure it makes the hurt more painful.

A week ago we went to visit Lu and her husband, and I'm including a picture from the trip because it looks happy (and he's a looker ;) ).

Blessed

Well, as an update, I've been doing better the last several days than I was doing when last I wrote. I feel wary to say that for fear that I will crash again. I'm not better yet - it's going to take time. It can be hard to be patient, but this life is about learning to endure well the trials we face, and I hope that I am learning more about myself in the process and more about how to handle life better. The boy has stuck by me so far, and I'm very grateful for that - I know it hasn't been easy for him. I feel grateful for many good friends and for my family who have been praying for me and checking on me and even writing me words of encouragement on here - thank you. And I'm so grateful for God's tender mercies - I know that He is helping me through. It's amazing to me to think about Christ suffering not only for my sins, but also for my pains; I'm grateful to know that He knows what I feel and can help me, too. So even in (and probably most especially in) our trials we are blessed.

So I Haven't Written for Awhile

During the interim, the boy and I have hooked back up. We had a fantastic week following getting back together. Then I started slipping into my fun little anxiety pit. Therefore, I ask you all for your prayers, if you wouldn't mind. The people around me seem to suggest that I try to stick it out with the boy, but when I'm feeling crappy (which feels like most hours of the day right now), it's hard to try to do that. Not only that, but how horrible for my boy, right? He doesn't understand what's going on, nor can it be comfortable to think of dealing with this demon of mine long-term. I try to be pretty open about where I'm at and what I'm feeling, etc., but I don't know if that's all that good for him to know, either. Yesterday we were supposed to go to roller derby, which I've never been to before. He came and picked me up, and I felt a little panicked with him, which is frustrating. We went to dinner. Then we went by a post office before continuing to the games. Before we ever made it there, the panic built to the point that I thought I might throw up, so I finally asked my boy to take me home, which he did. He would have stayed with me, too, but I told him he could go to the game, so he did that. While I was home by myself, I cried and plead with Heavenly Father. Then I slept. Then I woke up anxious. Then Devin and his fiance came over and stayed with me until Desi came. Then she talked to me until the boy came back. Talking to her was good, and I enjoyed the time with him when he came back.
Today I just slept until I needed to get ready for church - sleep is the only relief one gets from thinking sometimes. I paid attention in church and took notes. Devin came and held me after the first hour. Then I went to the bathroom for tissue and cried. He brought me home after church and stayed with me until a roommate came home. Then one of my friends came and we soaked our feet, which was nice. She just listened to me talk about things for a long time, until her boyfriend - also a very good friend of mine - came over, and then he listened, too. He also gave me a head and back massage, which I so appreciated because I am so tensed up right now. My head has felt so hot lately. They stayed until my boy came, and I am so grateful that I felt good with him again. We chatted and read. So I feel mostly okay right now, but I am wary that I will wake up in the morning back in the pit.
All I ate today was a few bites of scone, a roll, a strawberry, and some peaches. So maybe I will lose some weight at least, eh?

OUCH!!

Besides the fact that this breakup is affecting me directly, it's kind of interesting to experience what I assume are typical phases of dealing with being dumped. The first two days were intense emotion and lots of crying and shock. I could hardly eat, and various other body systems underwent changes - I'm still dealing with some of that. The next two days were continued shock, I think, ups and downs in my mood, and numbness that made me think, Am I over him so fast? Did I actually not love him but just made myself think I did? Then, last night, I looked up (stalker, I know, but Facebook makes it so easy) pictures and videos of him and I felt my heart again. Today has been pain - in my stomach and in my heart - that physical ache and yearning for that someone who is not there. Right now I feel like I'm getting more and more into the Oh please come back! thing. I've heard that once I hit the anger stage that I'm almost over it - I'm not there. So, in this current heartache place, I'm indulging myself. I put him on my desktop - I don't know if I can really keep that up, but I'm trying to get in what I can before a week from Saturday. We are going to a show that night - it's been planned for a long time - unless he cancels on me, and it is my goal to remove signs of him from my life after that until I am my own person again and free from that chain that runs from my heart to him. Unless my hope is granted (which I don't believe is likely).
I think I'm doing pretty well, though, and I'm so grateful for all of the prayers that are being said for me right now and all of the people who are letting me talk to them. I think God is blessing me so much right now; He is so tender in His care.

Dumped

Funny - I would have thought my post tonight would be on a very predictable topic - normal New Year's type of post following my template from the last couple of years or so. However, that topic is not to be tonight. I have begun the year with a new first - that of rejection that comes in the form of a breakup.
After three great months of committed dating, preceded by several months of casual, testing-the-waters dating, after spending the past week and a half with his family and getting to know them, the two of us went on a walk as a couple and came back single. I was not expecting it. I knew we were going to talk and was looking forward to it. Even when he began by telling me that his feelings for me are not what he thinks they should be I didn't realize we were breaking up. I thought we were just communicating - not doing anything definite. I was wrong. His breaking up with me today might have been an answer to my prayer - it's just not the easiest thing to go through, eh? And not what I wanted. I am totally grateful for him and the good times and what he has taught me. He has been a blessing in my life.

So You're Saying I Have a Chance

Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you give people a chance? This weekend one of my friends asked me a little about the relationship I'm in right now. I explained to her that I wasn't so interested in Boy at the beginning, which made it easy to ask him out because I wasn't risking too much hurt if he rejected me. Then, as he started asking me out a little, there were things that I just thought I couldn't handle.

Well, I've come to find out that pausing for a little while and going with it can turn into a good thing. The more I've gotten to know him, the more I feel like I understand where he's coming from - I see different motivations behind his actions (than I would have presumed before), which are positive. Now - why he is still dating me is harder to figure out; maybe I've done too good of a job of hiding my flaws. I'm grateful for the chance to develop a friendship and learn about someone very different - in some ways - than me.

I Know it's Late, but . . .

I didn't post last week, so I wanted to write something quickly tonight. What a roller-coaster of a week this has been. I kind of had a melt-down on Thursday. It was very scary for me - the worst I've felt in the past 2 or so years, I think. I know a lot of prayers were said for me that day, for which I am so grateful because prayer is real, and Heavenly Father answers prayers. Anyhow, even with the downs (and, thankfully, I have been up more than down), I got to go to a semi-formal with the boy on Friday night [so I bought this dress for the occasion. I'm feeling self-conscious when I walk out to greet the boy, and his first comment was a dismayed "I thought it was a brighter blue" or something like that. "Do you want me to change?" I showed him a different outfit I could wear. Eventually he says - now in an exasperated tone because I don't think he really cared what I wore, "Look, I think you look beautiful, so -" "Oh, alright. Let's go!" If he had only known that was all I needed to hear at the beginning, we could have been out the door much sooner. :) ].
Then, on Saturday, I got to spend time with some of my family, which was great, and then I got to go to a dinner-theater with the boy, which was so much fun - even though I had a little panic attack in the middle! Happy December!
P.S. I almost left work on Thursday, but I took it a little at a time and eventually started to calm down and was able to make it through the day. One of my students (who didn't know what was going on, except that I was sick and stressed), was so sweet and told me that she was proud of me - or something like that - for sticking it out. Precious!