My Little Bro

This morning I woke up and had those few blissful seconds of not remembering . . . and then I remembered. I wasn't ready to get up yet, but I don't know if I really slept much after. I kind of laid there shaking and not wanting to get up and wishing I could go back to the oblivion that sleep can bring (as long as you don't dream about what you'd rather not think about). I eventually got up, worked on money stuff, and went to lunch with my roommate. After that, my roommate left to hang out with her bff, so I was glad when my little brother called me. I asked him if he could stop by for a little bit, and I really appreciate his doing that because while I talked to him about the hurt I was finally able to break down. And he moved over and held me a little and just listened as I tried to verbally sort through my thoughts. I'm so glad for siblings who are so caring and good to me.

Part of Life

Isn't life so funny sometimes? I was having a hard time wanting the boy again, recently, and being worried that Christmas was going to be hard, but it ended up being alright. Like I wrote in my last post, I enjoyed being with my family. I felt more okay again with not being with the boy, and I thought a little bit about what it is that I want in someone.

Then I found out today that one of my most favorite people from here is dating the boy, and crash goes the progress, and I'm thrown off again. I met this girl here some years back; she's really a terrific girl and a wonderful friend. She's one of those people who's good at loving you, so you just love her back. Anyway, she actually kind of already has a history with the boy, and when he and I started dating, I was a little nervous about how she would feel about it. However, she took it alright. When he broke up with me, she let me talk to her about it, and she helped me understand a little better about how I deal with love because of the way she deals with it. She's listened to me several times since the breakup, and it's been nice to have someone so understanding of my continued feelings for him.

She is away for grad school but came home for Christmas, so I asked her if we could get together sometime before she leaves for next semester. She called to see if we could meet up today, and I was so excited for it and happy that she was making it happen because I guess she's leaving tomorrow. Anyhow, after we'd been making small talk for awhile, she talked to me about how he has started dating her. I really appreciate her courage in telling me - she knows that I still love him, and it's not a comfortable thing to do - and I'm really glad that I know, but ouch! We talked for quite awhile, and I felt like I took it as well as could have been expected, but I felt like I needed to break down, and I couldn't do it after she left because by that time we had some company over. I emailed a former roommate, and she actually stopped by, and I think we are going to do something tomorrow.

I had such plans for working on cleaning my room this week, but earlier tonight the thought of being at home by myself all week was really upsetting. So maybe I will try to fill up the time with friends if I can. Maybe I will feel better about it tomorrow.

And the thing is, I'm not mad at my friend. I really love her, and I'm so glad that she cares about our friendship as much as she does. I also really hope she doesn't end up getting hurt. It's just hard for reasons that definitely have more to do with me than they do with the boy or anyone else.

Merry Christmas

I was concerned that this Christmas would be kind of hard because last Christmas was so happy for me. By the last post I wrote you can see that last week was not going so well. However, going to my parents' and having most of my family here has turned out alright. This has been a lovely Christmas day. We looked at our stockings this morning, then went to church, where there was a nice program. After church we came home and opened our gifts, which was fun with my niece. We had a yummy dinner, and this evening we had a girls vs. boys, best out of three, Catch Phrase tournament.

I hope your Christmas day was also nice. I'm so grateful for the birth of the Savior. I'm grateful for His divine mission and His choice to fulfill it. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sent His son to be our Savior so that we can return to Him.

Why?

The pain hasn't been this bad in a long time, fortunately, but, man, is it frustrating. I went to a reception this evening for a roommate. I wanted to leave before the boy showed up. I told my other roommate that I didn't want to stay long. I've been staying out of touch lately, but I've had several dreams, and last night wasn't so great; today wasn't awesome, either. While at the reception, I saw the first guy that I kind of almost dated. Did that hurt? No. He's married and has a couple of kids, and I'm happy for him, and I'm glad that I got to see his family and him and chat with them a little.

My roommate wasn't rushed to leave; besides my being tired and not wanting to see the boy, etc., I enjoyed seeing lots of friends to say hi to. Now that I'm in a family congregation, I don't see my single friends very much. People who are away at school are getting home for the holidays, too. At any rate, we finally made our way to the hall; a couple of friends came in right before we left. I hugged one of them and was saying something when in came the boy, and my stomach leaped up my throat. I talked to him for a moment and told him about how I saw his signature at the bottom of the birthday card we gave to my niece last year on her birthday. He laughed when I told him a fun story about the same niece. Then I cried on the drive home.

Why?

Standards

Do you ever feel like you are all alone in your standards? Yesterday, one of my siblings told me about a choice that said sibling made that didn't jive with how I was raised. It was kind of hard for me to hear; I don't expect everyone to feel the way I do about things, but I usually feel like my siblings understand me because we were raised the same. So it kind of took me aback. I cried - that's normal for that sort of thing for me. I thought about it for awhile and finally asked my sibling to explain the thought process behind the decision that was made. Sibling explained and let me explain my feelings about the subject. I am very grateful that I feel like we were able to listen to each other. I know that we all get to make choices in this life, and we all have to decide where we stand on different issues. It's hard to have certain things mean a lot to me, though, and to feel alone in that. Does it mean I'm just a pharisee and that I care too much about rules (I have at least one family member who I think would say yes.)? If so, does that mean that I need to try to do some personal re-wiring? Or am I in a right place, and I should keep those expectations for myself? Will I be able to find someone to share forever with who will meet me in those decisions that are deeply part of me? Whenever this sort of thing comes up, it makes me think of the Boy, because he actually did mostly meet me in those areas - and that was a big deal to me, obviously.

Re-Connect

Once upon a time I went to the same college as my brother. He had a roommate who became one of my friends. Roommate was nice enough to be my date when I wanted to do something with a date and didn't have one. We saw concerts together, we were a married couple in a murder mystery (I just barely remembered that - that was a really fun time!), etc. My apartment and his apartment did dinner together for a semester or so once, too. I haven't seen him since we graduated about five and a half years ago, and I haven't talked to him for a long time either. Since graduation he has gotten married and gone to and completed dental school. Anyhow, I recently found out that he now lives nearby - in the same city, even. He and his wife invited me over for dinner tonight. It was nice meeting his wife, dinner was delicious (even though it involved shrimp - I had to have Friend explain how to eat it), and his wife had me give my input on where she should put the Christmas lights. It was fun to re-connect, and I'm glad to have a couple more friends in town.