Sunday, January 6, 2008

Two in One Day

Normally, I would probably not post twice in a day, but my roommate just told me about another blog that had the following questions to answer. I thought it looked like a good idea, and I'm putting off going to bed, like I probably should be doing, so here goes:

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

This year I was okay with one of my brothers and one of my sisters getting married - that's kind of big for me because I am older than them. I also love both of my new in laws, which I desperately wanted because it is important to love everyone - especially family. I began a new job by taking a teaching position at a charter high school. I do not have a degree in teaching, and I was nervous about learning the ropes, but I think I did well for my first year. I finally let go of my desire to have a better relationship with a friend. That may not sound positive, but I have a very hard time letting go of people, even if they wish to be let go. I feel that it took courage and strength for me to go to work for awhile this fall semester, while my life was a kind of hell. I am proud that I have made it through this year altogether, which I think I will explain better in the next question. Everything I have mentioned in my response so far was only accomplished with God's help, which I gratefully acknowledge.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

Wow! This question seems to apply most to 2007 for me - it was quite a rough year, perhaps the hardest of my life so far. I have problems with anxiety (at least, I think that's what it is), and this year I had some sort of breakdown. I already mentioned a couple of siblings getting married. In addition to this, I moved to a different home, and I had a couple of relationships that were not peaceful, which was perhaps the most trying for me, because I like my relationships with people to be harmonious. I was bitterly disappointed with a relationship failure, which I eventually let go of and can celebrate, like I mentioned in the first question. I think that the combination of everything that happened was a little too much for me, for some reason. My anxiety issues have been quite scary - that's what anxiety is, after all - awful, irrational fear that persists, refusing to be silent or go away. There is no hiding from it, because it is in you, and you cannot get away from yourself. Anxiety can be almost too hard to deal with. Without the support of family, friends, and, most of all, God, I don't know how I could have done it. And it's not over yet. I grieve dropping out of the teacher certification program, although that might have been a good move for me, for the time being. I think I am trying to forgive myself for that and come to terms with who I am and what I should be.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

To declare 2007 complete, I think I need to say that although it was rough for me, and although I would love to not have experienced a whole lot of it, it has certainly been a year of learning to understand for me. I feel much more sympathetic and less judgemental towards others (I feel like a hypocrite saying that, however, because I know I am still far too critical of others regarding different matters). The year was complete because I learned much more about Christ's atonement. I feel so much more grateful and in awe of the Savior because I know that He felt everything I felt this year - and so much more. It is incomprehensible to me that someone would willingly suffer the pain and anguish I have experienced this year, but I know that He did - it is truly amazing. I feel closer to Him, and that definitely makes 2007 a fulfilling year for me.

2008 is my year of self-care (although that should be accomplished through serving others)!

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." -George Baker (this quote is from the blog I got the questions from)

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