Friday, March 30, 2012

It Finally Happened

If I had written last night, my post would have been, "He thinks I'm cuuuuttteee!" (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) because that's what the nice guy I went out with last night told me. But I didn't write it last night, and I just found out that my ex-boy and my dear friend are engaged, and so my thoughts are now in this numb, strange place. I'm glad the thought came to me that it might happen this weekend - even though I didn't even know if they were still dating or how that was going. But I got an email from him the other day - not saying anything about any of that. Then I noticed on Facebook that it was her birthday. It's also General Conference this weekend, and she lives near the conference, so I had some thoughts about where he might be.

Such a strange feeling it is to find out things sometimes - things that we have no control over. I think I'm in shock at the moment, and that's such a weird thing to go through. Hints of tears and wondering if I will get to more than hints at some point. Well, Devin just called, which helped to get that going a little. He's going to let me hang out with him for a little while this evening. "That's probably kind of awkward. You probably still want to be good friends with her." Yes and yes.

The mixture of feelings is so strange because they are so different. There's the relief of the finality of it. The thought that maybe I will be able to let go of my commitment to him a little more. The thought that it's going to be a heck of a reception for me to attend - hey, I've even had a gift for my friend if it worked out (one that she gave me when I was dating him, but now it should be hers). A little hurt - but maybe the hurt is more about not being in control. A calmness that I can't figure out - is it a blessing from God? shock? something unhealthy because I'm hiding stronger feelings somewhere inside me?

And I was just going to come home and read The Hunger Games and daydream about the rancher. :}

No comments: