The Spinster Chronicles

Tender Mercies II

2012-02-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended the Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert that was part of Arizona's centennial celebration. I had been getting progressively anxious that I would see the ex-boy and his girlfriend there (my good friend, remember?). I feel like I've been doing so well since feeling so hurt awhile back and deciding to pretend like he doesn't exist, but that hasn't been working as well lately. I think it has to do with his birthday being tomorrow, with Valentine's Day being Tuesday (I still have the bouquet of flowers he gave me last year.), and with knowing that he was also buying tickets to the concert. His girlfriend is away at grad school, but the concert, his birthday, and Valentine's Day all being now made me think that he would probably fly her down for the weekend. Whether or not that happened, I don't know, but I definitely stressed it because I just didn't feel like I could deal with seeing them together. I'm very stupid, I know, but that's how it is. So instead of not worrying about it unless it actually happened, I became progressively more upset about it each day leading up to the concert. Anyway, I went to the concert, and I didn't see him, so that was a wonderful blessing.

Another wonderful blessing was seeing the concert. The Choir is so good! My friend isn't in it anymore, so I don't have him to look for in it, but it's just a great choir. They sang a variety of songs, and each number was beautiful. I recommend attending one of their concerts at least once in your life (that includes their broadcasts. You can attend their broadcasts for free, by the way.).

And the other super big blessing of the evening was running into a friend of mine who I haven't seen for seven years (if I calculated correctly). Once upon a time, I attended a community college. My first semester there I had four wonderful roommates. One of my roommates had an older brother who was also attending the college. He was totally good-looking, very cool, and one of the most eligible bachelors on campus. Because I lived with and was friends with his sister, I got to be friends with him, too. I knew he would never date me, so I set out for a brother/sister relationship, and it worked. He became a kind older brother to me, and I loved him. I graduated and went on my mission. When I got back, I attended my roommate's wedding and got to see him there, which was really nice. I think that was seven years ago. Since that time, I have thought about him occasionally, and I have stalked him a little on Facebook. During intermission last night, this couple had to get past us to get to the aisle. As they passed by, I had to do a double-take. He was already in the aisle when I finally said, "Brother?" Okay, I really said his name, but anyhow. He turned around and looked at me for a minute, and then, "What the heck?" and I got myself out to the aisle and into a hug. I met his wife. They went potty, and while I waited I sat and almost cried because it was so neat to run into him (and my emotions have been running kind of high). I didn't even think he lived in the state - which I guess he does, but still - what are the odds? When he and his wife returned, I realized that there was nobody sitting in the seats between him and my little group, so I just went over and sat by him the rest of the time. We didn't get to talk much, since it was a concert. I wanted to link my arm in his and just enjoy the contact with someone I really care about, but he's married, and I don't know if that's okay, so I didn't. But at least I got to sit next to him and be by my friend. I didn't get to talk to him after the concert, either; his father-in-law is in the Choir, so my friend and his wife jetted to go meet up with dad. But I saw him and hugged him, and I met his wife, who seems really nice, and it was great to have that brief reunion. And now I know where he's at, so maybe I can take a little road-trip sometime.

Kindred Spirits

2012-02-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

I went to my first "focus class" at the dance studio today. After my last private lesson, while Bob was doing paperwork, I told him I had a question. I explained that I was too poor to continue private lessons, but I wondered if I could attend his focus class without buying the private ones. And I found out that I can! Not only that, but the punch cards can be used for any of the focus classes. I'm glad about that because I want to attend the class that Bob teaches, but it focuses on creating muscle memory, and usually you don't actually dance with anyone during it - meaning, I might want to go to some of the other classes so I can practice dancing. During my last private lesson, Bob mostly worked on Cuban motion with me, and did some of the things he teaches in the focus class. I had wanted to go and just dance my heart out, since I knew I might not be dancing for awhile again, but he's the teacher, so we did what he wanted to do. Much of the lesson was spent with him facing me, holding my hands, and walking slowly across the dance floor one way and then the other. Eventually he had us just doing a box - very slowly again. He sped it up quite gradually. Anyway, while we were doing those exercises, I stared at my legs and feet because he was trying to teach me the correct way to distribute my weight and drive through the floor on one leg, which lets the opposite hip and leg naturally do what they're supposed to do. I don't know how long we were doing the box step, but eventually he stopped or did something that got me to look up. When I did, I noticed that his face was totally red. "Did you know that I was laughing at you?" Obviously not. I guess that he was enjoying how zoned I was while trying to execute the steps correctly (and not doing a very good job at it, I don't think). I'm glad I could be entertainment, I guess.

I didn't get to class early today, so I just walked in and quietly found a spot on the dance floor. It took awhile for Bob to notice that I was there, but when he did - "Oh. Everybody, this is Jamie. Jamie, this is everybody." And I was surprised and pleased that he knows my name. Isn't that silly? He's been teaching me, so it makes sense, but for some reason it often surprises me when people know my name. Maybe part of that is because I'm so terrible at remembering names, myself.

Later on, he suddenly asked me how I was doing, or what was up, or something. I can't recall what he had us all working on at the time, but I was busy being frustrated with myself over not doing whatever-it-was correctly. Then he explained to the other woman there, "She just had this look on her face. I needed to check in." So I don't know what is going on with my facial expressions - a long time ago the mother of one of my friends told me that I had a great poker face, but that must not always be the case.

I think that Bob is a kindred spirit, though, so I really like him, and he can say about anything to me that he wants to. I was leaving the studio right when he was going outside for a smoke, so I told him a little about The Artist for a few minutes. I feel like he would probably like it. We also talked The Hunger Games, which I still need to read (and intend to read before the movie comes out). And we talked steampunk, which he seems to really like. I don't think I have read anything that could be classified as steampunk, but I like some of the art okay. Maybe I should give it a try. Have any of you read it? Opinions?

The Artist

2012-02-03T20:47:00.001-08:00

Have you been to see The Artist yet? If not, I totally recommend it. My brother showed me a trailer for it awhile back. It's won quite a few awards and is up for an oscar. If you haven't heard of the film, it is about a silent film actor and what he goes through with the advent of talkies. It's in black & white, and it's mostly silent. The movie is arty enough that I think it's pleasing critics, but it's also very sweet and can appeal to regular folk (well, regular people who like old movies). It did take a few minutes for me to get used to no speaking - it was interesting to hear the silence of the theater and know that if I laughed, everyone else would know, too - but I got used to it. It's kind of neat seeing how much you can understand without words. I think that the leads gave good performances - especially the male lead. He had the perfect look for the part, too. The music was beautiful. My brother pointed out to me that they use music from Vertigo in a part of the film, which worked really well. I cried quite a bit, which means that I connected with the main character and what he was going through. But it's not a depressing movie. It's beautiful and sweet, and I would love to own it.

Compliments

2012-02-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't subjected you to details of my last dance lesson yet. Shame on me. And I won't do it tonight, either. I just wanted to post quickly about a couple of compliments I received today. During lunch, I went into Robert's office to retrieve my food from the refrigerator, and suddenly one of my students exclaimed, "Have you lost weight, Jamie?! You look skinnier." When Robert started giving her a bad time about something (he was joking), I immediately told him that she could do whatever she wanted because - you know - she made my day. Then, after class this evening, one of my friends complimented my outfit.

Aren't compliments the best? They can make a person uncomfortable, but they're nice, all the same.

My Favorite Emilee (no offense to the others)

2012-01-29T22:25:00.000-08:00

I have stayed up far too late tonight (which happens most nights) not writing on here, and now I don't have time to write all I wanted to. Well, maybe I will anyway. Here goes:

My sister and her family were in town this weekend. I didn't get to see them until today, however. Anyhow, Britt's parents attend the same congregation that I do. I was one of the speakers at church, so I didn't get to sit with my family during that hour, but I did get to see them walk in. It was so fun watching my niece's face when she saw me, and it was cute watching her tell her mother where I was and then tell her father the same thing when he came in. (It was also cute listening to her tell us how she "wasn't reverent" while I was speaking today.)

After the meeting was over, I started heading down to get my hug, and fortunately, it looked like Emilee was ready for the hug, too, because she ran to and flung her arms around me and just held on for awhile after I picked her up. I think that is one of the best things ever - having a baby with his/her little arms tight around your neck because he/she just loves you.

She did that again when her family was going to leave my house after lunch this afternoon. She said she wanted to stay with Jamie, and she just held me. Can you see why I love her so much?

Pearl of Wisdom From Grandma

2012-01-23T20:21:00.001-08:00

"Jamie, I know you've experienced a lot of hurt - a lot of heartache - this past year. But look at the things it has led you to do." Which is true. I would not be taking dance if it hadn't been for how hurt and confused I was about that aspect of my relationship. And going to these dance lessons has been good for me for more reasons than just discovering that I enjoy dancing and might even be able to improve with enough practice. It has been something that I have gone to on my own - without any roommates or friends or boyfriends - which is not how I like to roll. So it has gotten me out of my comfort zone in more ways than one. I doubt I would be having the opportunity to try to learn how to be a better teacher (and to try to do so by the Spirit) if I was still with the boy - I don't know if I have written about it, but I have been given the chance to be instructor of a weekly religion class. I won't be teaching it every week, but I will be coordinating things, and I'm so glad for the chance. I wouldn't be working on losing weight right now, either, I'm pretty sure. My grandmother brought up how challenges help us, and they do - or they may, is maybe more appropriate to say. I'm not saying that I want to be single and have the time to do these things, but, whatever our circumstances, God gives us opportunities to grow and helps us find ways to become more, and I feel like I'm being put back together again, which is a good feeling.

Last Week - First Group Class

2012-01-23T20:04:00.001-08:00

Did I mention that somewhere in the past three weeks Bob decided that I am at an Intermediate Bronze dance level instead of a Very Beginner? Or, at least, he suggested that for my group class I attend an Intermediate Bronze. I went tonight. It was tango, which I think I may have only ever danced with Bob during my first lesson. I don't recall if I did it at social dance at BYU-I, and I don't think Warren taught it in his class, although it's totally possible that I've done it more and just don't recall.

Anyhow, I was a little nervous about being able to hang with the group, so I Youtube'd an instructional video just to remind myself of the basic step. I think I kept up with the class okay. That doesn't mean I was good. It just means that maybe Bob was right and I was at an appropriate level class. Cristina, the instructor, kept us switching partners very regularly during the whole hour, so I got to dance with each man several times. One of the men complimented my connection - I should tell my friend Brian - that is one of the things that he always stresses about dancing - the importance of a good connection. Maybe I should thank Warren and him because I have been told I have good form. Although there was another man who I danced with tonight who may have disagreed with that. He corrected the positioning of my right arm more than once (which I'm glad for. How can I improve if nobody corrects me?). Another man was my favorite. I wouldn't say that dancing with him was better than dancing with any of the other men, but he was really positive and encouraging and complimentary. "That was really good." "You've danced this a lot, haven't you?" What a sweet-heart. His wife is lucky.

Oh - here's the funniest part of tonight. Cristina tried to teach us that sexy move where the woman comes up and then down the man's right leg with her left. It looks so beautiful when pro's do it, but I'm sure I looked like a total doofus. Knowing that probably made me that much worse at it. One man said something about my looking embarrassed, to which I explained, "Well, yeah. I don't know how to be all tango-y about it." Sometime tonight I remembered Bob telling me that you're not supposed to smile during tango, which probably made me smile more. Maybe I just needed a rose between my teeth.

Anyways, I'm glad I was able to go, but I much prefer dancing with Bob and can't wait for Thursday.

Busy

2012-01-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

I'm still in love with dance, and I'm not looking forward to this week being my last private lesson - I'm hoping to be able to go to this group thing, but I will have to find out if I can do that without purchasing regular lessons. My instructor told me I could go to the practice dance that was Friday, so I did, and once again I got to watch people be impressed when they found out who's been teaching me. I'm glad that I have had such a great teacher and great lead - someone (one of the other instructors?) was telling me that he's so good that he can lead anyone in anything, which I think must be true because he went over West Coast with me on Thursday, and it was enjoyable, and then a man asked me to West Coast with him at the practice dance, and I was dreadful.

Other than dance, my life is feeling a bit busy at the moment as I try to adjust to a new task in it. Figuring out how to balance everything can be a challenge, but it is also good to feel like you're doing things that will help you develop new talents and skills and become a better human being with more to offer.

I'm in Love

2012-01-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

. . . with dance. It feels good to have a new love - and one that won't hurt me. I had my second private lesson this week. Bob, my instructor, asked me what I wanted to do, and I didn't really care, so I said waltz because during my first lesson I remember him telling me that he really likes it. That was the only thing we did. He corrected my right hand over and over, and he tried to teach me that count one = drive, count two = sway or swing (I can't recall what the term was that he used because when he explained it I said, "Oh - anticipate," and he said, "Yes!" and we talked about that word for it, so that's what stuck.), and count three = rise and drop/fall (once again, I can't recall the exact words - uggh! I mean, I don't think you care, but I do - what if he quizzes me about it next week?). We practiced several times, and then he would say, "Yes? How do you feel about that?" and I would say, "I kind of get it, but I think I need to do it over and over and over." Which is what I need - I need to practice it a thousand times, and then maybe I will dance the steps like they are supposed to be danced. He taught me that you are supposed to feel like you are moving backward when you step forward, and there was this time where I think he really helped me do that, and it felt so incredible. And I was high for the rest of the evening, and I wanted to keep practicing.

My groupon includes one "Practice Party," which is a dance they hold most Fridays. All of the dances are posted on lists throughout the room; I would imagine it is so you don't have to wonder what it is if you're not so good at distinguishing them, like me. I was planning on saving my dance for the end of my private lessons, but Bob told me he expected to see me there, and he didn't accept the excuses I made, so I decided to go tonight. It was great! I didn't dance the whole evening; in fact, I sat there for most of it. However, I did dance a little at the beginning and a little at the end. One of the instructors danced with me, and even though I stink, he told me that I do have a good frame (which is part of what Bob has worked on with me). Another man I danced with (who was pretty good) told me the same thing, so that gives me hope that I have something kind of okay. There were a couple of nice men who were really patient when they asked me for dances that I don't know or am particularly challenged at, like west coast swing. Warren did that one with me a lot, and that was probably my saving grace on that dance tonight. The last dance was bachata - one of my favorite Latin dances. I had thought of asking Bob if he would do that one with me, but I ended up asking this guy that I had danced with earlier. I think he said he didn't know it, but it's really easy (probably why I like it so much), and we didn't get fancy with it, so it went alright.

I kept hoping Bob would notice me and come dance with me, but I don't think he did for most of the evening. Watching him dance with other people - especially those who are more proficient - was interesting, though. He looks really good out there - smooth - like butter. There was one time that this woman pointed out a couple of sets of instructors who were dancing a bolero, and I really enjoyed watching one of the couples. So beautiful.

Bob finally did notice me, and he danced with me a couple of times. We danced 2 step the first time, which he hasn't taught me, but fortunately the basic step for that is not hard, and I've done it before. I think I came out of one of my shoes on that one - oops! He told me that I'm ready to go dance at this bar that plays country stuff (too bad I don't like country). The second one was cha-cha, and he kind of "Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba"-ed it, probably for my benefit.

And so I have discovered that I do like to dance. In fact, I think I'm in love with it. I haven't felt this excited about something for a long time - not since I took African history maybe, and that was years ago (Yes, I am a nerd, but you already know that). It brings joy to my soul. It makes a wonderful deposit into my emotional bank account. It gives me energy and renewal. And I haven't felt like I've had many deposits for kind of a long time, so maybe that's why it's so exciting to me. If the honeymoon doesn't end before my lessons do, it's going to be a sad Jamie that last day.

Not only that, but I didn't realize how much I lucked out on getting Bob. During last night's lesson I thought I overheard one of the other instructors telling her students that Bob was co-owner of the place, but I wasn't sure if I heard correctly. Tonight, when other people there would ask me who my instructor was, after hearing my reply I got responses like, "Wow. All the way to the top, huh?" "You mean, Bob, like, Bob who owns this place. Wow. He doesn't usually take new students." Etc. It makes me feel more intimidated - and more lucky. And it's going to make it even harder for me to say, "I can't. You don't know how badly I want to continue taking lessons, but I can't afford it," because it sounds like I've lucked out on landing him as an instructor. I definitely feel like he's a good teacher. He explains things in ways that make sense, and dancing with him is really fun. He's so good that he makes up for me stinking so bad. However, I noticed that coaching (which is different from private lessons, I believe) from him is $80 for one hour. ONE hour - $80. Do you see why I feel so sad? I'm thinking I need to get a second job. I need to write a best-seller. Something. If you have any ideas or are independently wealthy and feel like sponsoring me in what could be a passion in life (and I don't have many of those), let me know.

Dance

2012-01-08T22:10:00.001-08:00

Awhile back I bought a groupon for private dance lessons - have I already mentioned that? I have this thing with dance after dating the boy. He was so into it, and I felt so inadequate about it, that I came to not like it so much - at least ballroom. So I bought this groupon because it was cheap, and I kind of have this need to prove myself now. And I wanted to know if I could learn to like it again. I made a goal to set up lessons at the new year, and I did. I had my first lesson on Thursday. I was so nervous by the time I got to the ballroom that I was afraid I might spend much of my lesson in the bathroom, vomiting (sorry if that's too much info), and I felt like I might have an emotional breakdown if the instructor asked me what I was hoping to get out the lessons.

However, I made it into the ballroom. I filled out paperwork. I met my instructor (who, incidentally, reminded me of the guy friend who I admire most). I didn't vomit. I didn't cry. We danced. In our half hour lesson (which actually went over, wasn't that nice of him?) we went over the basics on foxtrot, waltz, rumba, cha-cha, east coast swing, and salsa, if I recall correctly. And I liked it. I loved the direct instruction. I feel like this is what I've been waiting for. I already know the basic steps, but I feel like I never get better. The group setting I've experienced hasn't felt helpful. This time I had someone who knows what he's doing and was there for me and able to give me feedback, pointers, and instruction in a way that I could mostly understand.

I think he told me he's easy the first lesson, but things change after that, so I will have to see how I feel about things after the next lesson. If I continue to like it, though, those four lessons are going to end way too soon because I don't think I can afford more. Maybe I will have to get a second job. You see, I feel like other people have at least one or two things that they're really into. I don't feel like I have that. I try to justify it by saying, "I like people, not things," but I think it would be nice to enjoy something enough to be willing to put in the time to become proficient at it. And I don't know if I can be a proficient dancer, but I kind of want to find out.

Methods of Losing Weight

2012-01-08T20:06:00.001-08:00

I have experienced all of the following within the last year-ish:

1) Get into a relationship, decide you might want to marry the person, and then get broken up with. I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time with this. It is not a very dependable method, however, as I feel like one's body can react on the other extreme, in which case you just put on the pounds, probably only making you feel that much worse. Not only that, maybe the person won't break up with you. Maybe you actually will get married, and then you'll put on more weight (although maybe you won't care then). So this isn't a very good route to go.

2) Get sick. I just lost three pounds in two days that way. Once again, I don't think this is very dependable because you can't count on being sick for appropriate amounts of time to lose weight and not have to see a doctor. And being sick isn't fun, either.

3) Diet. This is my most successful method for weight-loss so far. The drawbacks are that you have to be willing to do it FOREVER. And you might be cranky at first. However, unlike the first two methods, I think you come out of most of the cranky phase and can still have fun with life.

I am hoping to implement another method soon, which I have used before - exercise. I haven't been successful at losing weight through exercise for several years. It took working out for quite awhile each day to see results with that, and I'm not willing to put that much time into it on a regular basis. I was good at running for awhile after the last breakup, but that didn't work. I mean, I felt like I was in better shape, physically (probably mentally, too), but I didn't lose weight. Now, if I could run in conjunction with my diet, that might be a breakthrough for me.

Oh, and Happy New Year

2012-01-01T22:06:00.000-08:00

What a year 2011 was for me. I thought I was in love one other time in my life - perhaps I was, but this year I experienced my first love and my first real expectations of marriage. This year I have experienced a broken heart unlike any other heartache I have felt before. I have experienced one of the happiest nights of my life and some of the saddest - though, not the hardest, I would say, for which I am grateful. I went through a down in my mental health that took awhile to get through - part of getting through it was forcing myself to not avoid, and I'm glad I forced myself through it. I saw numbers on the scale that I haven't seen for a long time (Yea!). I failed out of one part of my life. I began another part. This new part is different from the old in significant ways, but similar in others - similar in my faith in God and Christ and His church. And that is what always makes life worth it.

I decided awhile ago that I have entered Jamie's Lonely Time, and while 2012 is beginning that way, by the end of this new year I hope to be done with that and into a new place. I haven't actually written down goals yet, but I'm hoping to form new relationships and learn new things - oh, and keep dropping pounds. Recently I texted some of my siblings and quoted a line from the Harrison Ford Sabrina. My brother-in-law wanted to know if that meant that I was going to cut my hair, get a black dress, and wear dark lipstick. Although that's not my literal plan, and I can't go to Paris to find myself, I do hope that I can transform myself into something better and more confident and content.

I wish you a very good and meaningful 2012 full of growth and happiness (happiness even when life doesn't go the way you envision it).

Low Expectations

2012-01-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

One of the positive aspects of having low expectations about something is that the thing you have them about will generally either meet those low expectations or be better than them. If it meets them, then you are at least prepared and hopefully able to deal with the thing. However, if it is better than what you expected, then you are pleasantly surprised.

One of my friends was in town this week. I always like to see him when I get a chance; given the news I received earlier in the week, I especially hoped to get some time with my friend. He called me and asked if I was going to this dance for the 18-30 year old people at one of the churches. I didn't want to remind him that I am 31, but I did tell him that I hadn't been planning on attending. "Jamie, you gotta go with me!"

"But I already have plans to go to another party that evening that will be with people who are closer to my age, and I think I will be much more comfortable there," I could have said. But this is my friend, one of the bookend boys I wrote about a couple of years ago, and I didn't want to pass up the chance to see him before he left for school again. So I said okay, and I was excited to have at least a friend date because I don't think I have had even one of those for a very long time.

Then I proceeded to NOT look forward to the dance more and more, as well as be kind of bummed that I wasn't going to go hang out with "my people" (even though I don't really know them and was just making an assumption that they were my people - however, whether or not that assumption was true, it seems much more certain than a dance full of 18-30 year old people who would probably be on the younger side).

Friday was the day of the dance. I spent most of the day alone, which isn't good for me in my current mood, but I finally began to clean the laundry room with a vengeance, and that helped. I texted Bookend Boy for a time, so I would know when I needed to be ready for my friend date. He replied and in addition to answering my question, informed me that some other people needed a ride, so we would just have a little party.

The news made me only that much more excited - or not. After offering to drive myself, he called and told me who he was bringing, and I was happy to realize I would feel comfortable with the other kids. He came and picked me up and the four of us went to the dance and - I had a good time. It's been so long since I've danced, and though I think I have been somewhat ruined by realizing how stupid the way we dance looks, and I feel like ballroom or salsa, etc., are really the way to dance, I have to admit that I kind of like bopping around a little. And it was great to see my friend, of course. He's a really good example of kindness to me; I love being around people like him because they remind me to try to be better.

My Little Bro

2011-12-28T22:55:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up and had those few blissful seconds of not remembering . . . and then I remembered. I wasn't ready to get up yet, but I don't know if I really slept much after. I kind of laid there shaking and not wanting to get up and wishing I could go back to the oblivion that sleep can bring (as long as you don't dream about what you'd rather not think about). I eventually got up, worked on money stuff, and went to lunch with my roommate. After that, my roommate left to hang out with her bff, so I was glad when my little brother called me. I asked him if he could stop by for a little bit, and I really appreciate his doing that because while I talked to him about the hurt I was finally able to break down. And he moved over and held me a little and just listened as I tried to verbally sort through my thoughts. I'm so glad for siblings who are so caring and good to me.

Part of Life

2011-12-27T23:14:00.000-08:00

Isn't life so funny sometimes? I was having a hard time wanting the boy again, recently, and being worried that Christmas was going to be hard, but it ended up being alright. Like I wrote in my last post, I enjoyed being with my family. I felt more okay again with not being with the boy, and I thought a little bit about what it is that I want in someone.

Then I found out today that one of my most favorite people from here is dating the boy, and crash goes the progress, and I'm thrown off again. I met this girl here some years back; she's really a terrific girl and a wonderful friend. She's one of those people who's good at loving you, so you just love her back. Anyway, she actually kind of already has a history with the boy, and when he and I started dating, I was a little nervous about how she would feel about it. However, she took it alright. When he broke up with me, she let me talk to her about it, and she helped me understand a little better about how I deal with love because of the way she deals with it. She's listened to me several times since the breakup, and it's been nice to have someone so understanding of my continued feelings for him.

She is away for grad school but came home for Christmas, so I asked her if we could get together sometime before she leaves for next semester. She called to see if we could meet up today, and I was so excited for it and happy that she was making it happen because I guess she's leaving tomorrow. Anyhow, after we'd been making small talk for awhile, she talked to me about how he has started dating her. I really appreciate her courage in telling me - she knows that I still love him, and it's not a comfortable thing to do - and I'm really glad that I know, but ouch! We talked for quite awhile, and I felt like I took it as well as could have been expected, but I felt like I needed to break down, and I couldn't do it after she left because by that time we had some company over. I emailed a former roommate, and she actually stopped by, and I think we are going to do something tomorrow.

I had such plans for working on cleaning my room this week, but earlier tonight the thought of being at home by myself all week was really upsetting. So maybe I will try to fill up the time with friends if I can. Maybe I will feel better about it tomorrow.

And the thing is, I'm not mad at my friend. I really love her, and I'm so glad that she cares about our friendship as much as she does. I also really hope she doesn't end up getting hurt. It's just hard for reasons that definitely have more to do with me than they do with the boy or anyone else.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T22:32:00.000-08:00

I was concerned that this Christmas would be kind of hard because last Christmas was so happy for me. By the last post I wrote you can see that last week was not going so well. However, going to my parents' and having most of my family here has turned out alright. This has been a lovely Christmas day. We looked at our stockings this morning, then went to church, where there was a nice program. After church we came home and opened our gifts, which was fun with my niece. We had a yummy dinner, and this evening we had a girls vs. boys, best out of three, Catch Phrase tournament.

I hope your Christmas day was also nice. I'm so grateful for the birth of the Savior. I'm grateful for His divine mission and His choice to fulfill it. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sent His son to be our Savior so that we can return to Him.

Why?

2011-12-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

The pain hasn't been this bad in a long time, fortunately, but, man, is it frustrating. I went to a reception this evening for a roommate. I wanted to leave before the boy showed up. I told my other roommate that I didn't want to stay long. I've been staying out of touch lately, but I've had several dreams, and last night wasn't so great; today wasn't awesome, either. While at the reception, I saw the first guy that I kind of almost dated. Did that hurt? No. He's married and has a couple of kids, and I'm happy for him, and I'm glad that I got to see his family and him and chat with them a little.

My roommate wasn't rushed to leave; besides my being tired and not wanting to see the boy, etc., I enjoyed seeing lots of friends to say hi to. Now that I'm in a family congregation, I don't see my single friends very much. People who are away at school are getting home for the holidays, too. At any rate, we finally made our way to the hall; a couple of friends came in right before we left. I hugged one of them and was saying something when in came the boy, and my stomach leaped up my throat. I talked to him for a moment and told him about how I saw his signature at the bottom of the birthday card we gave to my niece last year on her birthday. He laughed when I told him a fun story about the same niece. Then I cried on the drive home.

Why?

Standards

2011-12-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you are all alone in your standards? Yesterday, one of my siblings told me about a choice that said sibling made that didn't jive with how I was raised. It was kind of hard for me to hear; I don't expect everyone to feel the way I do about things, but I usually feel like my siblings understand me because we were raised the same. So it kind of took me aback. I cried - that's normal for that sort of thing for me. I thought about it for awhile and finally asked my sibling to explain the thought process behind the decision that was made. Sibling explained and let me explain my feelings about the subject. I am very grateful that I feel like we were able to listen to each other. I know that we all get to make choices in this life, and we all have to decide where we stand on different issues. It's hard to have certain things mean a lot to me, though, and to feel alone in that. Does it mean I'm just a pharisee and that I care too much about rules (I have at least one family member who I think would say yes.)? If so, does that mean that I need to try to do some personal re-wiring? Or am I in a right place, and I should keep those expectations for myself? Will I be able to find someone to share forever with who will meet me in those decisions that are deeply part of me? Whenever this sort of thing comes up, it makes me think of the Boy, because he actually did mostly meet me in those areas - and that was a big deal to me, obviously.

Re-Connect

2011-12-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time I went to the same college as my brother. He had a roommate who became one of my friends. Roommate was nice enough to be my date when I wanted to do something with a date and didn't have one. We saw concerts together, we were a married couple in a murder mystery (I just barely remembered that - that was a really fun time!), etc. My apartment and his apartment did dinner together for a semester or so once, too. I haven't seen him since we graduated about five and a half years ago, and I haven't talked to him for a long time either. Since graduation he has gotten married and gone to and completed dental school. Anyhow, I recently found out that he now lives nearby - in the same city, even. He and his wife invited me over for dinner tonight. It was nice meeting his wife, dinner was delicious (even though it involved shrimp - I had to have Friend explain how to eat it), and his wife had me give my input on where she should put the Christmas lights. It was fun to re-connect, and I'm glad to have a couple more friends in town.

My brother brought this quote to my attention on one website, and then I found it on another

2011-11-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman (I got it from the Neil Gaiman Wikiquote page. I guess it's from a character in The Sandman)

AAACCCKKKK!

2011-11-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you how annoyed I am that I never posted yesterday - I just didn't think to do it before I went to bed. I posted for 27 days straight, just to lose on the 28th. Uggh. Oh well - there's always next year. The thing I did do, though, is set up an invite for a Christmas party. I told my roommates that this is one final effort to host. We will see what happens. I love Christmas time. I'm looking forward to decorating the house, and I'm hoping people will come and sing and eat things that will wreck my diet and build gingerbread houses and so on. One of my roommates is enough in to having a tree that we (mostly she, if I remember right) buys one each year. I don't know if we'll have it by the party, but I'm definitely looking forward to that, too. This evening I took a little walk in my neighborhood, and I was pleasantly surprised to see as many trees and lights as I did.

Christmas Season

2011-11-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, one of the first things my roommate asked me was, "Do you know what day it is?" My answer was incorrect - it was her day to put up Christmas lights. I don't think I've been home when she's put them up before, so yesterday it became my privilege to follow her around with the lights and the clips that hold the strands to the eaves. I also got to climb the ladder for the highest part, as she was nervous. I say that because I am such a fearful person that it feels nice to not be afraid of some things sometimes. This is a great time of year. I was happy to turn on the Christmas music and will enjoy listening to it for the next month. My brother and sister-in-law are going to come watch A Christmas Carol with me tonight - the one with George C Scott. I love that version. I'm thinking of hosting a Christmas party soon - even with my rotten record, as of late (Maybe I need to start identifying more with Charlie Brown.). I was thinking we could decorate gingerbread houses and/or carol and/or have a white-elephant gift exchange and/or do some service. Ideas?

Some of My Favorite Things

2011-11-26T20:59:00.001-08:00

I am going to write about two things I am thankful for. First, I am thankful for old movies. I recently learned that one of my co-workers doesn't like to watch anything from before around 1975 - isn't that awful?! My roommate and I watched Guys and Dolls tonight. I love it! I was thinking about how I'm kind of strange, I think, for being into old movies and for having watched many. In high school, TCM was one of my favorite stations. And I also thought about how my children will be strange, too, because they will know who Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Cary Grant, etc. were.

The other thing I wanted to write about was my niece, who you've heard a lot about over the last 2 1/2 years. I got to take her to the park for about an hour today. We fed the ducks. We rode the little train that drives around. And she went down a couple of slides. Her dad texted and called for me to bring her back so that they could go eat lunch with her mother, who was working today. When I told my niece, she replied something like, "No, not today," or something that was supposed to mean that she wanted to stay at the park. However, she let me take her back. During the car ride back, she asked me if I was going to come eat lunch with her at the doctor's office (her mom is a nurse). I would have loved to have done that, especially since I didn't get much time with the family this weekend, but I explained that I wasn't invited. "Okay. You have to go home, Jamie." "That's right. I have to go home." It was sure fun spending that brief hour with her - she loves me, and I love her, and I don't have to worry about her hurting me (at least not for a few years yet).

The Muppets

2011-11-25T21:22:00.000-08:00

This evening, I am thankful for the Muppets (Really, I am thankful for my family, but I'm going to write about the muppets.). My brother, sister-in-law, and I went to watch the new movie this evening. I feel guilty because I shouldn't be spending money on movies, but I LOVE the muppets. Maybe it stems from my uncle giving me a Kermit the Frog when I was a baby. Whatever the reason, I adore them. So, this evening we went, and I LOVED it! I am kind of surprised that they didn't have more cameos than they did; however, they did have several, including Mickey Rooney (who, I just learned, is 91 years old!). I think I identified a little too much with some of the songs, and I came close to crying, but I think I made it through without actually shedding a tear. One of the fun things about the movie was being in an audience with lots of other "grown-ups" and listening to people enjoy the movie; there was a lot of laughter, which was great. It was awesome, and I hope there are more good Muppet times to come.

Happy Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for a place to go to spend Thanksgiving. My parents went out of state this year, and I didn't have someone special to spend it with. However, I my brother's in-laws invited me to their dinner, and I was able to go and enjoy that. I was a little nervous about how comfortable I would feel because I only know my sister-in-law's immediate family, and the dinner was at an uncle's house, so there were going to be many people I don't know. They were nice, though, and I felt alright. Grandma talked to me a little, which was fun. And my sister-in-law's father and uncle reminisced on their events from their childhood. It was a really nice dinner with yummy food and good people. Earlier, I saw a man selling newspapers in the median, which made me sad. I'm so thankful to be blessed with my needs and many wants, even, and I hope I can help others' needs to be met.

Bar

2011-11-23T21:40:00.000-08:00

I know I said I was going to write about things I am thankful for, but I decided that tonight I want to write about a first - I think tonight was my first visit to an American bar. I have a roommate who is in a band; I think they normally (maybe always, I don't know) play at bars. I've never been to see her perform before, and tonight was her last performance with the band, so I wanted to go. Anyhow, I don't know how bars work, but it wasn't too intimidating. I don't drink, so I felt a little bad, but I did buy dinner.

Anyhow, the band was really fun. My roommate plays the flute and sings. There was also a drummer, a couple of guitarists, a couple of saxophones, and a trumpeter/trombone player. They played a variety of song styles, from jazz, to rock, to disco, etc. My roommate has a lovely voice, and she and everyone else were fun to listen to.

Forgivness

2011-11-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

I guess some people use this week to write about things they are thankful for. I'm late on the uptake with that, but maybe I will try that for the rest of the week. A few days ago I emailed someone I know to ask him to forgive me for something. When he wrote back, he spoke of us sometimes needing "little nudge"s to keep us where we should be. He readily forgave me and didn't even seem upset. I am thankful for people who forgive. It's not always easy for me, which is really aggravating because I know that it's important to forgive people (for our own peace of mind, besides other reasons). I'm thankful for the good example of this person who could have been offended with me.

Bangkok and Hard Drives

2011-11-21T20:28:00.000-08:00

I went to Office Max today; while there, I looked at external hard drives because I want to get everything off of my laptop before it breaks. There was a sign by the hard drives that said that there are a limited supply right now, due to the flooding in Bangkok. (It also said that each person may only have one, which struck me as kind of funny.) Does that mean that I'm not going to find a super deal on one?

Another Judas Day

2011-11-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wake up just feeling "downy clowny?" That's how I felt this morning and kind of throughout the day. And I didn't have a Carol Channing to cheer me up. I think it has to do with my needing to change some things in my life (well, many things, probably). I desperately need to clean and organize. I am just going through one of those unsettled times in my life, too; I just need to be content and work and wait.

The day is ending better than it began, though, so now I just have to keep on working to change for the better.

From Persuasion

2011-11-19T22:47:00.000-08:00

"All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one; you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone.'"
- Jane Austen

Why are we like that? Why do we do that to ourselves?

Confusion

2011-11-18T16:35:00.001-08:00

Do you ever feel really confused about life? Like, maybe you want something, but if you think about some aspect of it you feel like it is not what you want. But on the other hand, parts of you want it so much. How schizophrenic, eh? But I totally do that. It easy for me to run myself in circles, and when I get to questioning things, then I wonder if there's some divine help that I should be paying attention to - or is it just me? If you are not like me in this respect, be grateful. Very, very grateful.

MIT and Artichokes

2011-11-17T20:28:00.000-08:00

Today I found another song by the MIT Logarhythms that I REALLY like and would love to share, but it's not appropriate. The soloist has such a good voice, though. And he's cute, which never hurts. It looks to me like there are several acapella groups covering pop, and I kind of like it.

And now for something totally unrelated to the first paragraph - I think I cooked artichoke hearts for the first time tonight. I mean, I know I cooked them; I just don't think I have ever done so before - unless I ever helped my roommate. I made this chicken dish that involved diced tomatoes and artichoke hearts. One of my roommates really likes fresh artichokes. Occasionally she cooks them and then dips them in butter - that's her preferred way to eat them. I just bought canned. Artichokes aren't my favorite flavor, but I think it was a kind of yummy dish.

A Couple of Songs

2011-11-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

Last night was one of my Youtube-ing movie dance scenes nights. Before that, I watched some music videos and listened to some music. I had forgotten about this one. Besides that sad love song that fits into the genre of songs I've been posting lately, I tried to see if the University of Oregon's acapella group, On the Rocks, has a Facebook page. I don't think they do, but one thing led to another, and pretty soon I had Spotify on my laptop, and I ended up listening to this song by another acapella group (MIT Logarhythms), which I really like. I can't find a good recording on Youtube, so I found the original? artist for it, so you can listen to it if you want. Or you could listen to the version I heard on Spotify.

Laughs

2011-11-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

So I just watched this Teen Girl Squad cartoon that I haven't seen for a long time. There was something at my house tonight that reminded me of it. I never got too into Teen Girl Squad, but I did like that one. Back in college (kind of weird that I can say that) my roommates and I used to have these Strongbad email viewings, which were always fun - probably a good brain break from time to time. What do you watch if you need a good laugh?

Spider

2011-11-14T19:49:00.000-08:00

Isn't it so funny and ridiculous how scared we can be of arachnids? Tonight my roommate was going to take a bunch of fruit out to the compost, when something caught her eye upon opening our sliding glass door. Down in the crack below where the door normally rests, was a spider. He wasn't HUGE, but he wasn't a small guy, either. We just kind of stared at him. Fortunately, I remembered seeing some raid at our house. I went and found it. My roommate got a shoe and paper towel. The furniture nearby was moved out of the way in case he decided to come inside instead of obliging us and going outside.

I began to spray, and he began to move. HE CAME INSIDE! But, pobrecito!, he didn't come in very far because the poison got him, either by virtue of the poison or by drowning in it. Then we had to figure out how to remove the body, which really grosses me out. My roommate decided that if she had the dust pan that she would be okay with scooping him into it and then flicking him out into the backyard, which is what she did. I feel kind of bad, but I once a spider like that is discovered, it's too creepy to not do something about it.

Pride

2011-11-13T19:56:00.000-08:00

Today's talks at church were on pride. One of the speakers referred to the Beware of Pride talk given by Pres. Benson many years back. It is a really good talk, and I was reminded that it's probably about time (I'm probably past due, in fact.) that I re-read it. Pride is a sin that gets me again and again. This afternoon, right after church, I attended choir practice, and I had a hard time hearing and singing my part. I thought about it later tonight and about how it's probably good that I'm not better at singing because I am often prideful about it even without being great. I hope that I can get those parts down AND remember to not be prideful about it.

Ice Cream

2011-11-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite moments this weekend occurred last night. I was visiting my sister and her family. My other sister and her husband were there, too. We were eating supper, and when my niece finished her dinner, she began to tell us that she wanted ice cream. She kept repeating her desire, and we had to keep telling her that her dad and uncle would go get some (ice cream seemed like a good idea to everyone else) after we were all finished. I think we had all finally left the table, except for my brother-in-law. I guess he finished his food because all of a sudden my niece exclaimed something like, "Oh, yes!!! Now we go get ice cream!" My sisters will have to correct me on what she said, exactly, but it was just a hoot because she was so enthusiastic. She accompanied the guys to buy it, and when they got back, I think she headed straight for a drawer in the kitchen and pulled out a bowl and spoon for herself and then took them to the table, ready for her treat.

Veteran's Day

2011-11-11T21:02:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, a man from my former church congregation spoke about his experiences in Vietnam. I went to listen; it was really interesting. I cried at one of his stories. I'm glad I got to hear some of him, though, because it is good to be reminded that there are people who sacrifice for us and for our ideals. I may have mentioned it last year, but one of my grandfathers was a pilot during WWII; my other grandfather served during the Korean War, although he was never deployed there. I also believe that I have ancestors who fought in the Revolutionary War. I'm grateful for my relatives and friends and all the other people who have served or do serve.

No Joke

2011-11-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

When I got to school this morning, one of the boys who dumped the chocolate cakes asked, "Did you see the dead javelina on the side of the road?" I did. He was by some pecan fields. It was a ways from the school but not more than a mile or two. What are the odds? I hope it wasn't the cake.

Feeding the Javelina

2011-11-09T20:51:00.000-08:00

Have I ever blogged about feeding the javelina? My school husband dumps old food out behind our school "for the javelina," and I do it now, too. Even several students know what it means if one of us tells them to "go feed the javelina." There's a barrel cactus back there that I usually dump old food or fruit peels by. Have I ever seen a javelina at school? Yes. I can't recall if I saw one or a few, but there was a morning where I saw at least one. There's scat back there, I think, although I don't know who's it is. There are a number of different animals that probably enjoy our scraps.

I brought three birthday cakes to school yesterday, but I didn't frost them, so I put them in the bottom of this cabinet in the office; I planned on bringing frosting today. But then, yesterday afternoon, the pest control guy came. I don't think they normally spray inside, but yesterday he did, and though I'm certain the cakes were okay, I got scared, so today a couple of students went and dumped the cakes. We decided if we see dead javelina back there tomorrow, we will know the cakes were poisoned - that or javelina can't take chocolate cakes.

Ground Chicken

2011-11-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had ground chicken? I don't know if I have, but I did tonight. My roommate made this yummy chicken chili recipe for dinner - it was great! Speaking of roommates cooking dinner, I don't know if I have talked about it before on here, but I'm so glad when I have roommates who will take turns cooking. I don't like cooking for myself, and I don't think I would like to cook everyday, either, so it's great when there are others who will take turns with me. At some point I guess I'll have to learn to like cooking everyday, but I think at that point it will be worth it, whether I like if or not.

Seven

2011-11-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

Uggh. Something positive . . . hmmm . . . ok. You may very well already know how I feel about t.v. I'm not really in to it. However, I have started watching Once Upon a Time on Hulu. I saw the ads for the show all over Facebook; I even think I saw some billboards for it. I really like fairy tales, so that's what drew me to it. I watched the first episode by myself. Then I watched the first and second with my roommate, who is apparently sucked in, too, because tonight she wanted to watch the third one, which we did. It's written by the same people who wrote Lost, I believe. Fortunately, I never got sucked into that. I'm hoping this show isn't as long or as full of unanswered questions as I feel like I've heard Lost was.

Relying on the Savior

2011-11-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

Last night I read a paragraph from this conference talk that quoted from the following verse:

4 And after they had been received unto baptism, and were wrought upon and ^acleansed by the power of the Holy Ghost, they were numbered among the people of the ^bchurch of Christ; and their ^cnames were taken, that they might be remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way, to keep them continually ^dwatchful unto prayer, ^erelying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith.
(Moroni 6:4)

The portion that the talk quoted is from the last part of the verse where it speaks of "relying alone upon the merits of Christ." "Relying alone" stuck out to me - I know it is only through Christ that I can be saved. However, I get discouraged and frustrated with myself for constantly falling short. God gives us commandments, and we are supposed to keep them. I have made covenants with God that I will keep His commandments. And yet, I sin all the time. It's easy to feel really upset with myself and like I just can never make the grade. And that last part is true - I'm not going to make the grade. But if I can just remember and learn how to better rely alone on the merits of Christ, who never sinned but paid the penalties of all of my sins, then that gives me hope. I will fail me, but Christ won't.

What I Saw in a Teenager Today

2011-11-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

My school's main campus had a yard sale today. I don't think I would have gone to help, but the teacher who heads it each year told me that she intended to share the proceeds with all of the school sites, so I felt like I better go and help. I'm glad I did. It was a beautiful day out, and i got to visit with some of my colleagues that I rarely see, due to working at a different location. I got to hold a baby for a little while (One of the teachers had a little girl a few months or so ago). And one of the students was a really good example to me. This homeless-looking man came with his dog, and this student was cordial and treated him just like any of the other customers. He didn't seem uncomfortable, he didn't avoid him like many of us probably would (and like many of us who where there did, I guess). I'm glad for his example today that reminds me that I need to be less judgmental and more kind.

If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?

2011-11-04T21:59:00.001-07:00

That is a writing prompt from Nablopomo, and I like it. You see, I have a roommate who has noticeably lost weight in the time I've known her, so I decided to ask her how she did it. She told me, and I decided to try. I bought the book she told me about, and now I'm trying to eat according to the book's plan. I feel pretty cranky, so I hope that means something beneficial is happening. If I knew that my next meal was going to be my last, I would eat a juicy, rare steak, and I would put salt on it. I would have loaded mashed potatoes and a bunch of buttery, garlicky steamed veggies. There would be delicious, hot rolls to eat. I would drink just-made strawberry lemonade. For dessert I would have a big slice of New York style cheesecake, and I would drink a glass of milk with it. And I sure hope that my next meal isn't my last because I certainly won't be eating that for breakfast.

Happy Nablopomo

2011-11-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

We're back in Nablopomo right now, meaning I will be trying to post each day this month. I also want to attempt Nanowrimo, which I have tried in the past, if you recall, but I have never been successful. If you don't know what it is, Nanowrimo is where you write a novel in a month. There are rules about how long it has to be - I don't recall the number of words, but I feel like it takes a good amount of dedication and time to be able to crank it out. I could work on one of a couple of unfinished stories, but I think I'm going to try something new. The thing is, I only came up with a topic today, and I don't really know how to start or what to write - I just have a very basic concept. Mostly, I know what I want it to deal with and how I want it to feel. I'm not very good at seeing projects to the end. I have been through (or almost gone through) a few really important life events that I have or believe I would have seen through. But less-important-to-life projects - I'm not so good at that. I hope you're better at finishing things than I am.

I Have that Dan in Real Life Quote Going Through My Head

2011-11-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

This evening I met up with the ex-boy because I wanted to talk to him about some things. Trust me that it was kind of legit - regardless of any masochistic tendencies on my part, there were some okay reasons for this, I believe. However, when I met back up with my roommate and she put her arm around me and asked me how I was doing, I had to respond, "I still have a lot of feelings for him."

"I believe it," she replied.

It's kind of frustrating because I think it would be nice to be able to be friends with him again and to not have to weigh the consequences - "Am I willing to go through how I'll feel the next couple of days after seeing him? How soon will I be able to convince myself that the hope is a lie?"

Tonight went pretty well, though. It was pleasant. I gained a little insight for myself that I wasn't expecting that made me understand a little more about why we ended, and I think I will appreciate knowing those things.

However, how hard to sit there feeling love for someone and knowing that they don't have that kind of love to return to you.

God Answers Prayers

2011-11-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

He answered my pleading regarding that work issue. I am so grateful. I was waiting to hear back from my boss today; he never replied to the email. However, this afternoon I had a meeting at our main campus, and before the meeting he told me the good news. Once again, I'm grateful. Sometimes I feel like He is so very merciful to us.

No Me Gusta

2011-10-31T22:38:00.001-07:00

I totally need to go to sleep, but I wanted to write about something first. I emailed my boss earlier tonight to express how uncomfortable I feel about something I'm being asked to do at work. Do you ever feel like you're in an ethical/moral spot that you don't want to be in? It's probably not as big of a deal as I'm making it (I'm good at making things way more than they need to be), but I hate feeling guilty about things, and I'm pretty good at agonizing over things that I don't think are right. Meanwhile, I'm probably really annoying my boss - and perhaps another colleague or two. What he will reply and what I will do in the end remain to be seen, but it should be resolved one way or the other pretty soon - which would be great because I've been waking up in a panic over the situation some mornings recently.

Fish

2011-10-30T22:50:00.000-07:00

I ate tilapia today, and I actually liked it okay - isn't that amazing?! It still creeped me out a little to eat it, but I didn't mind the flavor. And the only thing I put on it before baking it was some dill weed. Maybe I'll be able to handle eating it sometimes. Wow.

Reunions

2011-10-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

Maybe I will get a picture or two from the weekend up here soon, but I'm tired tonight and not up to going to the effort of getting my camera and uploading stuff. Yesterday Lu and her husband hosted a little reunion for several people they knew when they used to live here. We met up at a park in a different city that was more central for those coming. It was kind of warm out, but it was so good to visit with people who I haven't seen for awhile. There was great food, and an abundance of it. There were also a lot of cute babies to watch, since most of the folks there are in that part of their lives.

Also, it was my brother's birthday this weekend. He and his family drove down from another state for the weekend, and so all of my family met up at my sister's house (where Brother and his family were staying). So there was also a little, impromptu family reunion. It was nice seeing everybody and watching the nieces and nephews. About the only downside to the weekend was trying to sleep at a house with a bunch of babies - it's a little harder to catch your z's when there are little ones around.

New Beginnings

2011-10-16T21:45:00.001-07:00

I think I've already been talking about it, but today was my first day attending my new family congregation. I've been not looking forward to it with nervous anticipation, and I have to admit that it was kind of hard. The building that I meet in now is an older one; up high in the center of the wall at the front of the chapel is a stained glass window of the Savior in Gethsemane. I'm glad that I finally looked up there during the meeting because it reminded me that Christ did something that He would have rather not had to do - but He did it out of love - so I think I can certainly be obedient in this very small matter.

During the last hour, when the women meet with each other, I was able to introduce myself, and everyone seemed nice. The Relief Society president directed me to the paper I needed to fill out to have my membership records sent to my new congregation (I already asked the gentleman in my former congregation to send them a couple of weeks ago, but I don't think it's been done yet), and I was reminded that I can count on the women to help me out. This is something that I feel like I have been made more and more aware of in recent months. I love men and all they can do, but for some reason, I feel like women help get things done. Don't bristle on me, all you men out there, but this lesson keeps getting hit home to me - I still love you, and I have to admit that the last man in my life helped organize me better, so I know I'm generalizing, but there.

Tender Mercies

2011-10-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about some hard things going on right now, but I just got a phone call that made me change my mind. Our Heavenly Father loves and cares about us so much, and I am very grateful for that. And I think it is a huge blessing that He often let's us help Him.

6 Months

2011-10-07T23:36:00.000-07:00

That's what today marks. I don't get more than misty anymore. And the mist isn't very often, either. However, I still notice his name - in a book or other random places - and I don't recall coming across that name before. Then there are the actual references to him; I'm still jealous of who he might be with or what he's doing. I've only contacted him a couple of times since a communication from him several months ago requesting no more communication - and he's contacted me several times since then (explain that one to me, will you?). I still have to prep myself when I think I might see him somewhere and deal with my nerves while I wait for him to walk in the door or appear in view. And then there's the occasional accidental meeting when he suddenly walks into a place I don't think he's been to in a long time, or we both happen to be in Google docs at the same time, entering info for a friend's wedding. And even though I dreamt about someone else last night (someone I think I want to work on getting to ask me out), and it was a nice, cozy dream, he still shows up sometimes. I'm still listening to several of the songs I've posted.

One of my roommates got engaged last weekend; it's such a different feeling to watch from the outside and to wonder how it happens. It's weird thinking of my former special friend and remembering what we had while observing what we didn't. And I still feel mad at him when I think that what I gave might have meant more to me than it did to him. It's humiliating, and I get mad at myself for being foolish. Live and learn, though, right? And try to be smarter - and more cautious - next time.

Birthdays

2011-10-02T22:18:00.001-07:00

If anyone doubted the title of my blog, I think it should be an acceptable title now. Don't think that "spinster" means dowdy or anything like that, though - I intend to continue to enjoy my 30s. I got to attend a reunion for the performing choir I was in the last couple of years of high school (I played the keyboard for the Choralair band.). It was fun to see some friends/acquaintances that I haven't seen for awhile - some of them it's been quite awhile. Maybe I'll put a picture or two on here. Because I went to that, I also spent the weekend with my parents and my youngest sister and her husband. My youngest brother and his wife went home with me, which was nice, too, because it is my birthday today. My baby sister made my birthday cake, and it was delicious. My brother and sister-in-law gave me a book that I'm excited to read. My mom and dad gave me several piano books, which is exciting. It is great to have new music to play! I have to admit that I was sad that nobody told me happy birthday on Facebook - normally, it seems like one is inundated with birthday wishes on one's birthday. However, I realized tonight that my birthday wasn't public info - I think it used to be, so I'm not sure when I changed that. So, I guess it's my fault, and I need not feel neglected. :)

Girls and Boys

2011-09-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

This evening we had a Relief Society meeting at my house. Relief Society is the women's organization in my church. Anyhow, tonight was just a casual relax and get-to-know-each-other kind of night with food and games (including Rock Band). It was nice; like I said in last night's post, there are lots of nice girls.

It's weird because I prefer hanging out with the guys. Because of dating the boy before, I currently don't have many friends who are guys, so most of my socializing (which is not much) is with girls. It feels kind of weird, and I don't quite know what to make of it. It's nice to hang with girls and share in the things we girls can share in with each other, but it's kind of not fun to not have interactions with the boys. I definitely miss that sort of friendship/companionship.

Transitions

2011-09-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last Sunday in my singles congregation. Once you turn 31, you are supposed to move back into the normal family ward. Have I already talked about this? Anyhow, it's kind of an interesting feeling. One of the counselors to my bishop heard that I'm out, and he was sweet and came and gave me a hug. Tonight, at our get together, he told me I don't have to stay away. It's sweet, and I think I may visit some of the activities to visit the girls. Many of them are just kind, sweet girls.

But on to my next adventure, I guess.

Three Strikes

2011-09-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

I had three strikes this weekend:

Potential Date
Friend Date
Girl Friend Date

Notice, I tried from the greatest rejection potential to the least, and all three failed. There were good reasons for them all; previous plans, no longer lives in the area, headache. Sometimes life just doesn't quite work the way you want it to.

Before my failed Saturday night, however, I had a great Friday night involving a few friends, hamburgers, and Rock Band.

I also got to go to the temple and visit my sister and her family on Saturday, so it was still a good day.

Back to the strikes, though. I have a question for you. This is the second time the date didn't work out with this particular guy. Do I give it one more shot, or do I call it good? There's this great website I recently found - I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here yet. It is called The Art of Manliness, and I read about the Brad Pitt rule on it. In a nutshell, it points out that if you ask someone out, and they turn you down, it means they don't want to go out with you. I agree. If I legitimately can't go out with someone, but I want to, I think I ask for a rain check - I try to let them know that I really do want to go out. The guy has not suggested anything concrete; he just says, let me know when you're in town and we'll try again, or something like that.

9/11

2011-09-11T22:12:00.001-07:00

Today I did a couple of things that helped me think about the anniversary of the attacks. First, I watched the broadcast of Music and the Spoken Word. If you didn't see it and can access one of the re-broadcasts, I recommend it. The program was very nice. Some of the images got me teared up a little.

This afternoon my roommates and I went to a program at the university that involved a choir and our city's orchestra. The first half was Mozart's Requiem, which was beautiful, and the second half was a commissioned oratorio that was debuted today. It was also very nice. There were a few speakers, and I really enjoyed the words of one of them in particular.

I also recently watched a clip on Yahoo? about one of the passengers from Flight 93 (I think). From watching that, as well as some of the footage that was played on the broadcast this morning, I am reminded that there were many people who rose to the occasion that day, and I'm glad to be able to take something positive from that awful event. There were the people on Flight 93 who decided to act when they knew something was wrong (I was amazed to listen to calls from a mother to her son who was on the flight, encouraging him to do something to stop the hijackers), and there were so many people who helped at the towers. I was touched by footage of people covered in ash hugging others who made it out. It's easy to be cynical about mankind because there is so much selfishness, corruption, callousness, etc. I believe the 9/11 tragedy brought out the humanity in many people, though, and I think it's good to be reminded of that. It's good to remember what happened and to be reminded of what is really important - God, each other, our nation. I'm grateful for that reminder today.

The Hike

2011-09-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my friends. Lu came to town for it. Friend wanted to go hiking; she knows that I am not a hiker, so I was assured that it would be a nice, Jamie-friendly sort of hike. I told the girls that as long as I was cool and hydrated I would be okay. I figured the hike would take a couple of hours; I purposely did not ask how far we were going, which I think was wise. My roommate and I met up with the girls a little after 10:00. We drove two vehicles so that we could leave one at each end of the trail - I'm glad that Friend had us do that.

Anyhow, we probably got hiking somewhere around 11:00 - we finished around 5:30. That's a lot longer than two hours. Fortunately, though, a) we were pretty high up on the mountain, so it wasn't hot, and b) I didn't run out of water. So, I was actually a pretty happy camper - or hiker, I should say. We picked raspberries towards the beginning of the hike. We saw lots of horny toads, as well as some butterflies. During the last couple of miles we got rained and hailed on twice, which made things kind of exciting. I was glad that Lu had a couple of ponchos with her and let me borrow one (I think I was already kind of wet by the time I got it on, though, so I wasn't dry for the rest of the hike). I'm also glad the girls were nice about taking breaks because the last part was up some switchbacks, which I'm not a fan of, and my lungs didn't like the altitude so much, either. There is debate about how far we hiked. Friend thought we were going around eight miles, but when we finally made it to the end, the sign said it was less than six. I really couldn't say, but it was kind of amazing to look back sometimes and realize how far we'd come.

So, maybe I'm not as not into hiking as I think I am - I think the key really was staying cool and having water.

5 Months

2011-09-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

Another one by Sara Bareilles. And I feel better than that tonight, but I definitely relate to a lot of it.

Movies and Motorcycles

2011-09-05T00:34:00.001-07:00

With tomorrow being a holiday, my roommate thought we could stay up late watching a movie, which we did. I hope I wasn't breaking the Sabbath. I noticed the sound of a loud vehicle outside at some point early on in the movie. I think such vehicles shouldn't be permitted in our neighborhood, at least not for a few months yet, especially during a wholesome, romantic movie.

80s

2011-08-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got to participate in a service project up on the mountain. I knew that it was possible that the ex-boy would be there - he's not part of the age group that was specifically invited to attend, but he really loves working up at the camp. Well, he was there; it was my first time seeing him since before I left for the summer. I'll not go into detail.

Also, I threw a Labyrinth party on Friday night. More than four people attended, so my roommate and I think is was a success. I looked up the top billboard songs from the 80s and played those leading up to and through the beginning of the party. We didn't even make it halfway through the decade - I love 80s music. And I love Labyrinth, so it was a pretty nice night.

One of the Bookend Boys

2011-08-25T17:21:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about how I haven't written a dear friend of mine for awhile. I've talked about him many, many times on here - he's one of the people I admire most in my life. Anyhow, he's a busy boy and it usually takes several communications from me to him before I hear back, so imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when I checked my email a few minutes ago and saw that he had written. That should have tipped me off, but for some reason it didn't - he's engaged! Isn't that great?! It looks like he has found the girl who he wants to spend forever with, which is wonderful. I still don't quite understand how that happens, but I think I will sooner or later. I got to spend some time with the girl this summer, and she seems like a peach, so congrats to my friend. And to the his fiance - she's one lucky girl. :)

Elephants

2011-08-21T21:27:00.000-07:00

Monday, I received a call from my visiting teacher, asking me if I had plans for Friday night. "No." "Do you want to go to the Josh Groban concert?" Yes! So we did. It was a great concert, although Josh was a bit crass. I was pretty disappointed in Michael Buble for the same reason when I went to a concert of his once. Because of that experience, I think I did not get as upset this time, but I still don't understand.

Also, I was supposed to go out on a blind date this weekend. I feel like there's a line in something Jane Austen that states that when a person gets married, the only thing left for that person is to try to get other people married, and when you're old and single, like me, you know lots of people who just want to help you out. Anyhow, I was actually looking forward to it, which I took as a good sign - up until this point, I haven't wanted to move on and date anyone else, so I think that shows progress. The blind date finally called on Friday and set things up for Saturday afternoon, but then he cancelled on Saturday, due to some legitimate reasons, I believe, but it was still a little disappointing. Oh well.

Not having a date on Saturday afternoon left me with more time to spend with my sister and her family - particularly my niece, who I baby-sat for a little while that evening. Which reminds me - earlier in the day I asked her what animal she would be if she wasn't a person. When I finally got her to answer with an animal, it was an elephant. I wasn't sure why she picked that, but then she started singing, "In the miritary style," and it made more sense. So we spent the rest of the day with me singing, "In the military style," and her replying, "In the miritary style!" She told me that I would be a bird, by the way, so I asked, "If you were and elephant and if I were a bird, could we still be friends?" "Yes." I'm so glad. We also sang Elmo's song several time, which, I'm sorry to admit, I started. It's such an annoyingly hard tune to get out of your head, and I've still had it in my mind today - uggh! We also danced, which was so much fun! What I love about babies is that you can be so stupid around them, and they don't care - in fact, they kind of like it. So I can dance as goofily with her as I want to, which I did. Maybe I'll post some pictures of the weekend here at some point.

The Babies and Me

2011-08-17T17:29:00.001-07:00

Could you ever say no to a face like that?
The newest of the clan.

Another Breakup Song

2011-08-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

Here's yet another good breakup song.

Kids are Great

2011-08-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

What an interesting week this has been. Not that anything terribly exciting on the outside has happened, but it's been a different sort of week for me and my psyche, I guess. I had my first week at school with my kids, and I think that was a huge contributor. I'm so glad to be back with the students and to have that focus in my life. I have almost the same class as I did last year, which is nice. Oh - and my coworker told me that the other class calls me The Terminator, which I'm taking as a pretty big compliment. I'm not exactly sure what they mean by it, but I guess they must think I'm tough. Besides the blessing of being back at school, I got a hug and kiss from my niece last night before she and her family returned to their city. I didn't get to hang out with her, but they stopped by to return a pillow to me (I forgot it at their place last time I was there), so I at least got a hug. I carried her out to the car and then went to the other side of the car to say hi to my nephew, who was all smiley and coo-ie, so it was a pretty nice minute or two.

SuperGirl

2011-08-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I write and publish posts that I'm not sure that I should really write and publish. Here is one of them: Today makes four months. What better way to mark it than to introduce myself to the famous ex-girlfriend that haunted me for much of the relationship? I was aware of her even before dating the boy. I know many people who know her, and she has quite the reputation as being this amazing, talented girl. I figured she was the female equivalent to this friend of mine (incidentally, he's one of the people I know that knows her). Well, I heard many references to her while dating the boy. He always seemed to want us to meet; he thought we would like each other and be friends. When we would be visiting the city she lives in, he would often suggest we go see her. I didn't say no, but I was not at all displeased when it wouldn't work out. Towards the end, I started to think that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to meet. Then he broke up with me, and I didn't think it would be appropriate to Facebook her, although I kind of wanted to. When I got back from my summer trip recently, I went to visit my sister and her family for several days. We went to lunch this one day. Awhile into lunch, my sister asked, "So have you ever met SuperGirl? She's here." You see, my brother-in-law knew her through some church education stuff, and now they are all part of the same congregation. It looked like SuperGirl was at lunch with co-workers, so I didn't think that would be the appropriate time to go up and say, "So you probably don't know me, but I thought I'd say hi because I've heard so much about you. We both dated the boy." However, as you see, my world can be kind of small, so I figured it was only a matter of time until we did meet. I just wasn't thinking about it possibly being today when I went to my sister's congregation, so I wasn't very prepared for it. I figured I might as well go through with it, though. It would have bothered me more not to do it. And it's interesting how this person, who has heard about me but wasn't super aware of me, is someone who I have been VERY aware of for a long time. But now the intro is out of the way, and if we are in the same place at the same time again, I can be more at ease. This summer, another mutual friend of ours told me that given any other circumstance I probably would love to know her. If we continue to bump into each other, maybe we will become friends and we will laugh about our connection and my insecurities about dating a boy who dated a SuperGirl before me.

STRESS!

2011-08-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like just breaking down because life feels so out of kilter? I am getting progressively worse again about missing the boy, which you probably know from yesterday's song. My heart keeps refusing to accept what my mind knows. I wrote my mission president a couple of days ago, and he and his wife wrote back and told me that the way my relationship was makes what I'm going through now kind of like a divorce, which at least sort of validates to me why this is so hard. In fact, isn't divorce one of those "top hardest life experiences" things?

Another thing that I believe makes that list is moving, and that's a possibility I'm facing right now. I love my house. I love where it is. I love the things it has. I love the things in it. However, my landlord is raising rent and there aren't enough of us here to keep rent down to what I think I can reasonable pay while trying to save money for a car to replace my current car that is getting old and sad. Therefore, it might be wise to move. However, I feel so stressed out about moving that I don't know if I can handle doing it right now.

These two things are enough to make me want to break down and cry or curl up in a ball and try to pretend like the world doesn't exist. At least the moving decision needs to be made within the next couple of weeks. Either I will be here, or I will be somewhere else at that point, and then that stress should be gone. As for the other stresser, I'm starting work again and hoping that having that back in my life will keep me from thinking about the boy so much.

Sad Song

2011-08-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

If we had any songs, I would say one of them was Parachute, by Sara Bareilles. Here's another of Sara's song that I happened upon tonight.

Another Song

2011-07-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

I mean to blog about my summer sometime; I just haven't done it yet. I think I heard this song recently, which I'm relating to. I can't quite say the last part yet, but I think I'm a little closer. I guess time is working on me little by little. Really I think Someone else is working on me; at least I'm hoping that I am letting Him.

I went by the Institute of Religion today to see if I could find some prospective roommates, and my favorite teacher was there. He's one of those people who makes you feel like you're unique and special. I've really enjoyed the classes I've taken from him, but I can only take night classes, and he's not teaching at night these days, so I don't get to see him very often. I had kind of hoped he would be there, but even when I found out he was I still considered not knocking on his open office door. I'm glad I did. He invited me in and we chatted a little - about my summer and some of the people I saw, about teaching, and some other things. He gives me more credit than is accurate, but it's nice to have a few people in your life who think more of you than you are - it reminds you to try to be better.

9 Weeks

2011-06-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

Well, guys, I've passed two months now. Tonight makes 9 weeks. I feel like I received some insights at church on Sunday, and I'm clinging to those. Tomorrow might set me back a little, but then I'm getting out of town for awhile, and I think that will be good. It has occurred to me that I can run, but I might not be able to hide, depending on fate, but we'll see what she has in store for me this summer.

In other news, I got to help a friend by participating in an experiment for his doctoral research today. Tomorrow I'm planning on going to watch him defend his thesis. Doesn't that sound like your idea of fun?

Baby Steps

2011-05-30T23:34:00.000-07:00

I need to go to bed; it's way after my bedtime. The boy would be impressed with the hours I'm trying to keep now. However, I just wanted to report what I think is a little step in the right direction. I was away for the weekend for my brother's reception. When I got back today, I found out that my roommate wasn't going to be home until tonight. I've hit the point now where I'm not so happy to be alone so much. I did not feel like it today, that's for sure. I considered texting the boy to see if he had plans tonight, even. In the end, though, I texted a friend to find out if there was anything going on tonight. He replied in the negative, so I invited him over to watch a movie. I told him he could invite a few people if he wanted to. Anyhow, he's the only one that came - I don't know if he invited anybody or not - and we watched a movie. I admit that I thought about the boy and how it would be watching the movie with him, but watching one with a different boy is a step, right?

I Had A Good Evening

2011-05-25T21:34:00.001-07:00

Isn't that great? A friend of mine, who I haven't talked to much in quite awhile (he was dating and then got married), and his wife, and a former roommate and her husband came over. Friend made a couple of different ice creams for us all to enjoy - and they were delightful. And when everyone left I realized that I spent a couple of hours enjoying the evening - I'm so glad. It was a nice blessing. And to top it off - I talked to an ex of my ex a couple of nights ago. We talked for quite awhile. She's a nice girl who I've been acquainted with for a couple of years, but I've never gotten to know her very well. She set me up with one of her brothers several months back. Anyhow, I left my scriptures in her car the other night. She brought them back this evening. In the pocket of my scripture case I found a card from her. It was so kind. What a lovely way to end the day.

Today's song comes from Paul Simon.

Running

2011-05-24T20:05:00.001-07:00

Have I told you about running? I've been jogging most days since around a week after the breakup. If you know me, this is a big thing for me because I hate running. I started at 5 or 6 minutes the first day or two. Then I began to add a minute each day. The idea is to do that Monday through Saturday. Take a break Sunday. Monday back up a minute and increase the rest of the week. I've missed a few days but have been mostly successful. One of my students suggested that once I hit 20 I stay at that for awhile - "Let your lungs catch up." I hit 20 sometime last week, so I stayed there the rest. Yesterday day I went 20, and this evening I went 21. I realized that I have probably never run for that long in my life (I've been hitting records for myself for awhile now, I'm pretty sure.). Anyway, it's not something that feels great to me, and some days it really doesn't feel good. Fortunately, though, most days don't feel bad, and it's a way to release a bit of all that's part of me right now. I have mostly jogged in silence. Recently, though I have listened to parts of a couple of religious talks, which has been nice. Tonight, I listened to music - part of The City of Angels soundtrack. I used to listen to it when I felt depressed during my sophomore year of college. Here is one of the songs. I feel like it is more about actual death than the death of a relationship, but there is grief in dealing with both.

Strength

2011-05-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

I talked to a girlfriend today who I haven't talked to for awhile. She was good and let me cry and talk. She has a level of understanding about this. Anyway, she told me to listen to this. I'm not as strong as the song - this week has been a lot of hurting. I don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I will sometime - hopefully sooner rather than later.

This weekend my brother and sister-in-law let me come over for dinner and a movie. I went there gladly, leaving my roommate and a bunch of girls at my place. They were making cheese. They get together every so often to learn cool things from each other. I've not been one to just hang with the girls (outside of roommates) for a long time. I've preferred hanging with the guys. However, being in a committed relationship, I didn't keep up friendships with the guys, of course. These girls are kind and welcoming, and I wonder if I should have stayed home the other evening. Maybe I should try to learn to love girl time.

I feel like it's been good to be learning how to be alone. I've always needed the company of others. Now I find a lot of comfort in being with myself. However, I feel like I've probably done that long enough, and it's probably time to come back to people. It's just hard to want to do that. Just fulfilling obligations that put me in public feels like enough people time to me. But it probably doesn't help me to move on to just be with me. I am grateful to not mind silence so much now, though.

2011-05-18T17:42:00.001-07:00

Hurt that

Echoes

Acutely,

Refusing to succumb to

Time’s

Aloe,

Coats the

Heart’s

Every beat.

Thoughts On Earlier

2011-05-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

Allow me to add a thought to what I wrote earlier. I just talked to my roommate about people asking us single people why we're not married, and I think this is why it's kind of a weird question or why I'm not sure how to respond - Because of my faith, I believe that marriage is important - necessary, even. Therefore, when people of my faith ask me about why I am single, maybe I feel like they should already know the answer. If they believe that I believe in my religion, they should know that I'm not single by choice and that it just obviously hasn't happened for me yet. Maybe that's exactly why they ask, though - because they don't understand why things don't seem to be going according to the ideal plan. We forget that we're not all on the same time-table and that God allows us to be mortal and to feel our way semi-blindly and stumble so that we can learn and become more than we would be if our lives were totally taken care of for us and if everything was ideal.

Loyalty of Ladies

2011-05-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

Before I get into what I thought I would post about tonight, I want to answer a question from yesterday's post. Someone asked how I find the songs I do that fit my thoughts and feelings. I think most of them are ones that I already know that just pop in at appropriate moments as I search for ways to express myself or to understand what I'm feeling - sometimes unconsciously. When I posted about Rob Thomas, I had been noticing the lyrics to Mockingbird for awhile towards the end of my relationship. When I looked him up, I selected a bunch of other songs and found that some of them, like Snowblind, were also comforting. I just really like music, and I listen to it too much. Fill your head with a bunch of stuff, and sometimes it will come back to you when you really need it. There's my confession for the day. :)

I went to a meeting tonight where some of us are new to each other. Therefore, the man in charge asked us to introduce ourselves. I didn't really know what to say about myself - some of the things that I mentioned are that I'm the oldest of five children, that all of my siblings are married, and that some of them have children. So then, the man in charge said something like, "Well, what about you? We need to get you married, too, right?" I just responded something in the affirmative. I did not break into tears and say, "Well, President, I kind of thought I was working on that for over half a year with someone who I think is one of your friends . . ." What was nice was that the other two women who were there with me jumped in and smoothed things over a bit. I know they love me, and I'm grateful for their loyalty.

Tonight's questions reminded me that I will be at a wedding reception for my brother soon. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I think I am so old now that people intentionally do NOT bring up marriage. Hehe! One never knows, though, if someone will be brave/clueless/tactless/curious enough to ask me why I'm not married or when I'm going to get married, etc. I figure that maybe I should be prepared and have fun answering if anyone asks. Do you have any suggestions? Should I break down and make it really awkward for them? Should I pretend like I'm a man-hating feminist? I think it was my roommate who suggested that I tell them that I am married, and I just didn't tell them about it.

Now, when I say "clueless" and "tactless," don't think that I say it with malice. I don't really care if people ask me. I can appreciate their questions. And really, I might just answer truthfully and say, "I don't know. It just hasn't happened yet." Meanwhile, there are a lot of great things going on in my life.

Today's Songs

2011-05-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

Daniel Bedingfield, Gwen Stefani, and Tim McGraw - Well, the Tim McGraw one was in my head yesterday? or the day before? but I just looked it up.

Heartache

2011-05-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed that the boy and I were dating again. I think I was scared because I wondered if he would break up with me again, too. I don't know if the dream is the reason, or if seeing him earlier this week is, or if running into one of his ex-girlfriends, or if buying baby things and holding my new little nephew are the reasons, but that ache in my chest has persisted throughout the day today. The topic in sacrament meeting was friendship. I think I miss our friendship and am sad that we didn't do a better job at developing ours. And, my! I just miss him.

I assure you that I'm doing much better than I was. I have felt like I was Bella when she wakes up after months of being out of it after Edward leaves. I've felt awake again, so I guess a day, here and there, is nothing to complain about.

This Morning

2011-05-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

I found a CD propped against my front door. It had pictures on it. Here are a few:

I always knew that he was a good-looking guy, but I think we didn't look half bad together, if I do say so myself.

Anyhow, this was not on the CD, but I don't know if I've posted it before. It's kind of unrelated, but I'm posting it here regardless.

Moms and Weddings

2011-05-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

First of all, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to my mom and all mothers!

Second of all, my little brother got married yesterday! Isn't that great? It feels kind of weird being the oldest and only unmarried child of my parents. Sometimes I wonder if God is trying to help me to be humble since I have such a hard time with pride. Sometimes I also wonder if it will help people who know and love me to be less judgmental of others who might be in the same boat as I. Regardless, it was a nice sealing yesterday, and it was good to be with my entire family. My brother and his bride looked great and in love. Maybe someone will send me some pictures sometime (I didn't take any), and I can post a few.

"Why don't you pour some lemmon juice on it, while you're at it?"

2011-05-04T22:33:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow will be exactly four weeks since he broke up with me. One of my worries while dating him had to do with faithfulness - would I be able to have eyes only for him? One month later, and I try to look at other guys, and I suppose I am starting to look a little, but everyone pails in comparison, especially if I actually contemplate dating. Meanwhile, I found out tonight that he went to this particular performance, and I doubt it was by himself. Speaking of him dating, there's a ball coming up. When he broke up with me, he asked, "Are you still going to go to the ball?" I've been thinking about it lately. I figured that he would probably take someone with him, in which case it really might be too hard for me to attend - I don't know if I can handle seeing him with another girl yet. And tonight I had my suspicion confirmed. To torture myself or not to torture myself? That is the question. I know I will have to see him with another girl sooner or later. And I may even see him with a significant other, so I just have to decide if I might as well get it out of the way now, or if it will be too much at this point. "The promises of a lady!" I think the Dread Pirate Roberts spits out. "Faithfulness, madam. He spoke of your enduring faithfulness! Tell me, did you wait a week to become engaged to your prince?" I'm sure I'm butchering the quote, but you get the gist. I'm not sure how I feel about the idea that it's the woman who isn't steadfast.
Okay, okay, I know that it's totally permissible for the boy to be asking other girls out. In fact, I think it is good and healthy, and I'm glad that he can get back in the game so soon. I'm just not good and healthy yet, myself. I am starting to have some hopeful moments, though, where I feel like life without him will be possible, and probably even better than it would have been with him, but I'm also fighting guilt and not wanting to be unfaithful. It might be less out of loyalty to him and more out of not wanting to be so unromantic as to be able to let go of my feelings for him and even transfer my affections to someone else someday. I know that's stupid, but I think it's probably a normal thing that a lot of people go through. Tonight I was thinking that I should be praying for his success in finding someone. If he finds someone before I'm over him, it will force me more to let go. Not only that but I could ask him about it - "What felt better about it to make you ready and desirous to take it to an eternal level this time?"

"Do Not Go Gently"

2011-05-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

I also thought of this poem today, I think because there is the part of me that fights letting go and that doesn't want to go quietly. However, last night I attended this wonderful conference at church, and I decided that it's probably time for me to stop bothering all the wonderful, supportive people in my life who have been so kind in listening to me cry and try to sort through things and understand. So, a new month has begun, and though I think I still have quite the road before me, I feel like I should try to leave everyone else alone and deal quietly with my heartache. We'll see if I can actually stick to that. I don't know that I can promise - you may be subjected to more. Especially on here, what with this kind of being a journal to me and an outlet.

Will There Really Be a Morning?

2011-05-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

I may have posted this before. Words by Emily Dickenson, sung by Conspirare.

Jonah Day

2011-04-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon my intestines started complaining a bit. I jogged very slowly (I was even able to talk during it without wheezing.) because I wasn't feeling so well. I have this great fear that if I skip a day that it will ruin my resolve for exercise. However, I don't know that I'll make it today. I went to bed at a decent hour last night. During the night I woke up and thought Yup. I'm sick. Maybe I get to stay home from work tomorrow. The only problem is that the other teacher went home yesterday, so I wasn't sure if he would be back today. Therefore, when I got up this morning I got ready - I stayed away from breakfast - and went down to work with the intention of coming back home if the other teacher came. I have a pretty good little commute to get down there, though, so after getting down there and settling a bit I thought maybe I should just tough it out, especially because my Institute class is tonight (We're going to finish Revelation), and I will probably feel too guilty to go if I am home from work. Well, I didn't make it very long before I decided that maybe I really should go home and try to sleep it off if I can and get better.

I just watched Anne of Avonlea this past weekend; she refers to having a Jonah Day in it, and I was thinking that I am having one today, too. I'm physically ill. My mental health is much better than it might be, but I feel unhealthy in some ways. I'm sad. My heart hurts. I guess we all have to have these Jonah Days from time to time, though, to remind us that our lives are really pretty great.

Not only that, but even though I feel a bit knocked down at the moment, I realize that my life is actually quite far from awful. I have a much happier life than many people even on days such as this. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat (I even bought bananas, bread, and apple sauce on my way home because I think I should be able to handle them.). I have a job that I really enjoy. I have friends and family who love me. I have my faith in God and Christ. So, really, I know life is good.

Hurt

2011-04-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

I felt pretty well last night and most of the day today. I got to talk to a very good friend of mine, which was great. I will even get to see him soon, which I am excited about. Then last night, a few friends came over for a barbecue, which was yummy. My roommate and some of the friends decided to watch the movie that the boy and I watched for Valentine's Day a couple of months ago; I decided not to participate in that, but it didn't make me weepy or anything. I felt pretty good for most of the day today, too, and I thought Maybe I'm getting over this. Ha! Silly girl.

The pain is back, and in a way I wonder if it is almost harder to deal with because of it's short absence. It feels intense enough at times that it's hard not to pick up the phone and call him, and say, "I can't do this!!" even though it doesn't matter if I can do it or not because he definitely can and is doing it - quite well, I think. So why can't I?

Easter

2011-04-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

This evening while with a friend from church, she reminded me "Better to have loved and lost . . .". I think that's true, but it means hurting something fierce after losing. Good reminder, though.

Happy Easter. That's really what I should talk about. It is an amazing thing that occurred a couple thousand years ago. I believe in the resurrection of Christ, and I believe that because he resurrected I will be resurrected. I take that assurance for granted, and I really shouldn't because it is such a gift for all of us. Christ loves us, and Heavenly Father loves us, and I am so grateful for that and to be able to feel it.

Heard on a Radio Program this Afternoon

2011-04-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

Sonnet 113

Since I left you, mine eye is in my mind;
And that which governs me to go about
Doth part his function and is partly blind,
Seems seeing, but effectually is out;
For it no form delivers to the heart
Of bird of flower, or shape, which it doth latch:
Of his quick objects hath the mind no part,
Nor his own vision holds what it doth catch:
For if it see the rudest or gentlest sight,
The most sweet favour or deformed'st creature,
The mountain or the sea, the day or night,
The crow or dove, it shapes them to your feature:
Incapable of more, replete with you,
My most true mind thus makes mine eye untrue.

- Shakespeare

Desires

2011-04-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

Last night a friend, my roommate, and I watched Anne of Avonlea. Although I don't think I care to watch most romances right now, I thought Anne might be okay because Gilbert and she separate for awhile and then come back together - okay, so I suppose that happens in a lot of love stories, but this one seemed like it would be alright. And it was. I did okay, even though I noticed that my former boy's physique is like Gilbert's in some ways. And I still did okay when I noticed that one of Gilbert's facial expressions is also like one that I have seen from the boy.

Also, earlier that night, I finished reading Elder Oaks' talk from a few weeks ago, Desire. It is such an awesome talk. I really liked it during Conference; when I first heard it, I listened in terms of being with the boy, and I remember thinking that I wanted to study it and take the counsel from it and see if it would help me in my relationship with him.

Anyhow, there is a part at the end of the talk that speaks about how and eternal marriage should be one of our "paramount" desires. Elder Oaks says, "Those who are single should desire a temple marriage and exert priority efforts to obtain it." That got me thinking - so temple marriage should be a paramount desire to me, and I should be exerting priority efforts to obtain one. I actually felt okay reading it and like, okay, I need to figure out what that means for me and I need to find someone who wants to marry me. I'm a little unsure about what exerting priority efforts means for a woman, as we're not the ones who do the asking out, but I guess it probably means that at some point I'm going to have to force myself to try to be social again.

But then I woke up with my stomach in knots today because I was going to a service project (cleaning a graveyard - yes!) that I knew he was going to be at. It wasn't as bad as I was afraid it might be, but it's hard not to be sad. I'm sure that when I get down the road a ways, and when I find someone, I will be so grateful that he broke up with me because it's not been easy for us anyway, and it would probably be wise to be with someone with whom the relationship was easier. Or he'll find someone and part of me will be devastated, but the other part of me will be glad that he held out for what he really wanted and that he found it because he will be happier that way. It's just hard in the moment, that's all.

Almond Extract

2011-04-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

Sunday when I was making frosting for some cupcakes I heard the boy tell me it would taste better if I added almond extract to it - so I did. I wasn't so obedient while we were dating, but I couldn't help but want to oblige him now.

I also did something less than intelligent last night - I asked him to come run with me because I was missing him so. He came, probably thinking that I must need something and that I shouldn't be running at night. The potentially positive thing about his coming is that I think (although we'll see if I can convince my heart) it helped me realize that he won't be coming back - that he really doesn't want me, and that's all there is to it.

I wish I had some money right now - if I did, I think I would go to Europe for awhile and try to lose myself in art and history and beauty. But I suppose I couldn't really lose myself, could I? I might be able to distract myself for awhile, but I would still have to work through this. It's frustrating; after talking to him last night, and throughout today I have felt 'Okay. I can do this. I can face it that he's not coming back, and I can accept it and be content with myself.' But here I am, it is evening, and I feel the sadness threatening to work its way to the surface and plunge me into an unrealistic, desperate wishing for things that will not be. :( Maybe that's because I'm supposed to be at his place tonight, eating dinner with him and talking to him and just being with him.

How to Deal with a Break Up, continued

2011-04-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I was reminded that one should always be careful about sounding too confident about something. I told my mom that I have really been doing quite well since the break up. Later that evening I had the worst cry-out that I've had in several years regarding a boy. The last time was after I had finally decided that I did want to date this particular guy. I was so excited about it because I knew that I just needed to tell him - then I found out that he had started dating someone else. Anyhow, I think what brought it on was taxes. Taxes are a good reason to cry, but that's not why I was crying, of course. He helped me get mine ready a couple of months back, but I never filed my state taxes. I finally tried to gather things and get it done on Thursday. In the process I came across memories, and that got the waterworks going. I had a question about the form, too, so I actually went and saw him that night after he finished teaching dance. He was just impersonally cordial most of the time. But he finally really looked at me - I wonder if I was still red-rimmed enough for him to suspect what had happened earlier in the evening. He fixed my hair a couple of times. He gave me a real hug after walking me to my car, and I was reminded that I fit well in his arms. Uggh.

Yesterday was kind of sad, too. I had two proms to attend, and he was supposed to be my date. I spent yesterday listening to Comfortably Numb because it was soothing for some reason. Being numb is nice sometimes. That night, during my high school's prom, Twisted came on, and I just wanted him to be there to dance it with me. After that, some Owl City song came on that added to the sadness a little.

How to Deal with a Break Up

2011-04-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

I did go through with it - I donated my hair. Since I was kind of nervous about how short it would be once it was cut, I kind of felt like I wanted to trust whoever was cutting it to make it look good. Because of that I called this more reputable salon that I know does Locks of Love to find out what the damage would be to my pocket if I had them cut it. It turns out the cut is complimentary if you have one of their students do it and it's for Locks of Love. I set up an appointment and went, and so far I'm pleased with the cut. The stylist actually didn't use the front of my hair for the donation, so that was able to stay longer. Not only that, but he was a really nice, calm guy, so it was an okay hour of my life. One of my students said he doesn't like it that I cut my hair, and my School Husband divorced me ("Thanks - first my boyfriend dumps me, and now my school husband divorces. I'm just rejected everywhere!"), but I think all of the other comments from students were positive.

I actually didn't start out to tell you about my hair-cut, although I suppose that plays into the title of my post because I did it because it was something that I had control over. Another thing I recommend doing to deal with a break up is listening to Rob Thomas. I don't even really own much of his music, but Grooveshark lets you create playlists, and that's what I have done, and I feel like Thomas has lots of soothing relationship-trouble songs. I especially recommend Mockingbird and Snowblind. Not only that, but I once heard that he had said something positive about Latter-day Saints (I don't even know if that's true), and I've had a special liking for him ever since.

Anyhow, what I really meant to write about is how I'm going through this guilt thing now. I wish I hadn't been so critical of the boy. I wish I had focused on his strengths more. I wish I hadn't talked about him to other people because things I shared to try to sort things out or vent were only that and did not reflect how great of a person he is, and I'm afraid that there are those who don't know that and do not have an accurate view of him. He wasn't perfect, but none of us are (I am especially imperfect), and he was a gentleman towards me and treated me well. He was thoughtful and romantic.

We had class this evening. I sat next to him, which irritated my loyal, protective roommate - "Why are you doing this? To what end?" but I kind of feel like for me - I'm weird, I know - it might force me to get into friend mode faster. Not only that, but if I had sat somewhere else I'm sure I would not have been any better off with my feelings. I'm not sure what he thought about it, though. He left early, which means that I didn't get to talk to him about it or apologize for everything I feel bad about. You know, I want to be kind, I want to be good - it's frustrating realizing how far I have to go to get there.

It's Over!

2011-04-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

I wish I had written so many more times in the past six or seven months so that you and I would have a clearer idea about what has gone on in them. I didn't, though, and now I can't chronicle the rest of my relationship because the boy broke up with me again - this time with the specific intention to really be done. He tends to stay friends with his ex-girlfriends, and I have long held to the idea that I would be similar, so we will see if I can handle remaining on friendly terms. Not that we wouldn't, but what I mean is that we will still see each other (we have one or two weekly things together), and so will we be aloof from each other, or will we pretend like we've only ever been good friends? "Hey! How was your week? How are you doing?" kind of thing. We still spent a couple of days together after breaking up - I hear my dad says we don't know how to break up - which probably doesn't seem like the best idea, but I was supposed to play for him to sing in his ward on Sunday, so we kind of had to see each other anyway. And, in a way I feel like it helped me resolve some things - tie up some of the loose ends.
As I have said before, I think this is for the best, but dealing with the loss is not going to be fun. I think I will feel lost for awhile. This morning I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I'm hoping to use my new-found time to really clean my house, to exercise and meditate, etc. I hope I can work on developing myself into a better person. The more impulsive part of me thinks I'm going to donate my hair this week, too. My hair is not as long as I would like it to be to do that (I think it will be quite short if I donate), so we will see if I have the guts/desperation/determination to go through with it - maybe tomorrow.

Fickle

2011-04-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

I feel rather hesitant about saying anything, but the boy and I are back again. I feel kind of wary about saying that, but since I posted about our last breakup, I didn't want to leave you thinking that we are really over. Still, though, I think I may not tell people about what's going on with us anymore until there's something more definite to say. That "can't live with him, can't live without him" thing has come to mind recently. I wish I wasn't so wishy-washy and that I knew my heart and mind better. I have a couple of goals that should help my health to improve, and I am hoping that working on those things will help me to be able to better understand this other part of my life. Por lo menos it won't hurt anything, other than it will require me to wake up earlier in the morning and go to be earlier at night.

Otra Vez

2011-03-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend and I broke up again. Uggh! As you know, I've been having more of a tricky time with my health for the past few months, and that didn't make things easier, and now I am single again. It happened earlier this week, so I have had a few days to reflect on it, and I fear many more such days to come. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing that we split - in fact, it may be a very good thing. However, I'm so stubborn about some things, and I didn't want to feel like I was giving up. I wanted to make it work. Anyhow, we decided to take a break. I am afraid it might be more permanent than a break, though, and in the moments where I feel his absence most acutely, that thought is especially unpleasant. I love him, but love isn't enough, and I figure it makes the hurt more painful.

A week ago we went to visit Lu and her husband, and I'm including a picture from the trip because it looks happy (and he's a looker ;) ).

Blessed

2011-02-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

Well, as an update, I've been doing better the last several days than I was doing when last I wrote. I feel wary to say that for fear that I will crash again. I'm not better yet - it's going to take time. It can be hard to be patient, but this life is about learning to endure well the trials we face, and I hope that I am learning more about myself in the process and more about how to handle life better. The boy has stuck by me so far, and I'm very grateful for that - I know it hasn't been easy for him. I feel grateful for many good friends and for my family who have been praying for me and checking on me and even writing me words of encouragement on here - thank you. And I'm so grateful for God's tender mercies - I know that He is helping me through. It's amazing to me to think about Christ suffering not only for my sins, but also for my pains; I'm grateful to know that He knows what I feel and can help me, too. So even in (and probably most especially in) our trials we are blessed.

So I Haven't Written for Awhile

2011-01-30T22:12:00.001-08:00

During the interim, the boy and I have hooked back up. We had a fantastic week following getting back together. Then I started slipping into my fun little anxiety pit. Therefore, I ask you all for your prayers, if you wouldn't mind. The people around me seem to suggest that I try to stick it out with the boy, but when I'm feeling crappy (which feels like most hours of the day right now), it's hard to try to do that. Not only that, but how horrible for my boy, right? He doesn't understand what's going on, nor can it be comfortable to think of dealing with this demon of mine long-term. I try to be pretty open about where I'm at and what I'm feeling, etc., but I don't know if that's all that good for him to know, either. Yesterday we were supposed to go to roller derby, which I've never been to before. He came and picked me up, and I felt a little panicked with him, which is frustrating. We went to dinner. Then we went by a post office before continuing to the games. Before we ever made it there, the panic built to the point that I thought I might throw up, so I finally asked my boy to take me home, which he did. He would have stayed with me, too, but I told him he could go to the game, so he did that. While I was home by myself, I cried and plead with Heavenly Father. Then I slept. Then I woke up anxious. Then Devin and his fiance came over and stayed with me until Desi came. Then she talked to me until the boy came back. Talking to her was good, and I enjoyed the time with him when he came back.
Today I just slept until I needed to get ready for church - sleep is the only relief one gets from thinking sometimes. I paid attention in church and took notes. Devin came and held me after the first hour. Then I went to the bathroom for tissue and cried. He brought me home after church and stayed with me until a roommate came home. Then one of my friends came and we soaked our feet, which was nice. She just listened to me talk about things for a long time, until her boyfriend - also a very good friend of mine - came over, and then he listened, too. He also gave me a head and back massage, which I so appreciated because I am so tensed up right now. My head has felt so hot lately. They stayed until my boy came, and I am so grateful that I felt good with him again. We chatted and read. So I feel mostly okay right now, but I am wary that I will wake up in the morning back in the pit.
All I ate today was a few bites of scone, a roll, a strawberry, and some peaches. So maybe I will lose some weight at least, eh?